


Rehab: 90's Style

by Burgoves98



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Accidental Drug Use, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Herb doesn't get cancer, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, bojack has a couple panic attacks, but like not a ton
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:02:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 66,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22871428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burgoves98/pseuds/Burgoves98
Summary: What if Bojack went to rehab way back in the 90's? And what if Herb stepped up and took maybe a little responsibility for his best friend/employee's dangerous and destructive tendencies and helped him get sober?And what if rehab is just the thing these two dinguses need to help them admit that they love each other?
Relationships: BoJack Horseman & Diane Nguyen, BoJack Horseman/Herb Kazzaz, Bojack Horseman & Princess Carolyn
Comments: 94
Kudos: 185
Collections: Ollywoo AUs





	1. Overdose - Bojack POV - 1993

_ Why is it so hot in here? _

Bojack was standing in the living room on set of Horsin Around. Were they filming or was this just a rehearsal? What day is it again? It felt like a Monday, the way everything was moving so slowly.

Or maybe that had something to do with the handful of pills Bojack just swallowed in his dressing room. Or the belt of scotch he had just thrown back with Sharonna 20 minutes ago.

_ They have  _ **_got_ ** _ to turn the stage lights down, why is it so goddamn  _ **_hot?_ **

He swayed a little as he tried to shift his weight from one foot to the other. Joelle's voice sounded weird.... Why is she talking so slow?

What episode is this again?

"Bojack?"

Who was that? Oh shit it's probably his line now huh? What was his line? He tried to ask but he could barely move his jaw, his teeth were clenched together. All he could get out was a grumble. He squinted and tried to see past the fog in his vision but everything was a blur of colors and light.

_ These lights are too  _ **_bright._ **

"Cut!", broke through the fog. Herb probably, but it was hard to tell.

The noises around him grew a little louder and a little vaguer. He heard Sara Lynn's voice but he couldn’t make out what she was saying. 

He felt like he could hear Herb through the fog, he sounded upset.

"Bojack?" 

Yeah that was definitely Herb, his voice was closer now.

_ Oh boy… getting harder to stand, getting hotter… _

He closes his eyes to block out the light.

The last thing he’s conscious enough to register is the feeling of his legs giving out from underneath him. Falling, someone yelling, a smashing pain in his head, and a scream.

Then the warm embrace of darkness.

Then more shouting. Then a shot like a million volts of electricity straight into his chest. He yelled some gibberish as he sat up quick, and his wide, panicked eyes darted around absorbing as much information as they could. And five things came to him in quick succession.

One: He was in an ambulance. 

Two: The paramedics were trying to get him to lie back down.

Three: His head hurt.

Four: They were still on the studio lot, or rather were moving through it.

Five: This was going to be a pain in the ass to explain later, and he really wanted a drink right now.

\---

After a couple of hours of being poked and prodded by a team of nurses and doctors, Bojack was finally going to be left alone to rest. The last nurse was finishing up and soon it would just be him and the heart monitor. He was honestly sick of having to run each person through the vague list of things he took and drank before he passed out earlier. 

Or, overdosed. 

He had overdosed.

He knew that was serious, but for some reason it didn’t feel all that bad. 

Overdose. 

So what? So he lost consciousness, so his heart stopped, so he bashed his head on the coffee table and nearly cracked his skull, so he probably scarred the kids for life, so he was just  _ barely  _ brought back to life, so Herb had to call an ambulance and watch his best friend’s lifeless body be man-handled by some paramedics and carted off in an ambulance, so if Herb didn’t make that call he’d be dead right now. 

_ No.  _

_ No, no, no, no. Don’t think about that. Don’t think about Herb. _

It was too painful for Bojack to think about what  _ anyone  _ might have gone through that day, most of all Herb. It was like thinking about an embarrassing thing you did years ago right as you’re about to fall asleep. 

_ You’ve always been a shitty friend to him but this really takes the cake huh? _

He managed to piece together the timeline based on what the nurses told him and what questions they asked him. 

He had gotten to set that morning with a hangover and drank in his dressing room with Sharona while she styled his hair for that day’s shooting. When she left he still felt off so he popped some stimulants to even out and some painkillers for his headache. 

_ Way to go idiot. You swapped out a hangover for a concussion. _

There were some other pills in his drawer that he couldn't really recall the name of, or what they did. But he thought it probably couldn't hurt to take them too. In retropect  _ obviously  _ that was a stupid move, but in the moment it seemed harmless to him to pop a couple more pills to help get his mind right. 

He went out onto set and they filmed the first couple scenes. He could barely remember now, it was an episode that had something to do with Ethan winning some school contest or something. 

Then things started getting fuzzy, and not just his memory, but things started to blur around the edges. Sound ebbed and bobbed behind a fog, and every now and then something would cut through it, usually his name, or someone shouting. Until the end. 

Then all the noise blurred and blended together. And it was so hot, and the lights were so bright. He could barely keep himself upright, and he could feel his body giving up on him. He had passed out and bashed his head on the edge of the coffee table. The doctors didn’t know but Bojack bet that Sara Lynn was the one who screamed, Jesus, he’s gonna get an earful from Carol about that later.

Herb was the one to call the ambulance, and he sent the kids home immediately.

Bojack was also informed that Herb stayed by his side until the paramedics got there.

Something about that hurt his heart more than the huge needle from the shot of adrenaline had. But he couldn’t really articulate his feelings about that yet, and he didn’t want to. 

He wanted a drink.

The nurse finished her inspection and made her way to the door,  _ finally  _ leaving him alone. He leans back onto his pillow and closes his eyes, hoping that he could quiet his brain enough to get some sleep.

“Mr. Horseman you have a visitor.”

_ Of course. _

Fat chance he gets to have some goddamn rest. Probably some guiltless Horsin Around fan who heard he was in this room and had no social awareness to realize how inappropriate it was to bother a person in their hospital bed. 

Oh wait, he had almost forgotten, he wasn’t a  _ person,  _ he was a  _ celebrity _ . 

Ugh. Great. Now he was gonna be bitter and mad all night instead of sleeping.

He sighed deeply and glared in her direction, “Who the hell could be visiting me right now?”

The nurse ducked her head into the hallway, he heard mumbling. Sounded like a man’s voice. She faced back into the room, “A Mr. Herb Kazzaz?”

_ Oh. _

His mind blanks for a minute. Is he really in the mood to be bitched out by Herb.  _ Will  _ he be bitched out? 

_ Is he just here to tell me I’m fired? That I’m an asshole? That he’s finally given up on me for good and the next time I OD he’s gonna let me di- _

_ Okay, that's too dark even for an angry Herb. It's probably just the first two things. _

“Mr. Horseman?

He blinks himself out of his self hating fugue state. “Y-yeah?”

The nurse looks sympathetic, she looks nice, like the way he wished his mother looked when he was younger. She clears her throat, “You can refuse a visitor of course, but he  _ has  _ been waiting to see you for a few hours.”

_ Shit, you’re definitely getting yelled at. _

“U-uh, yeah sure, let him in. Thank you.” The thank you felt uncomfortably genuine on his tongue.

She nodded and left, whispering something to Herb in the hallway before she was gone for good.

There was a beat and he held his breath.

Then Herb came in.


	2. Post Overdose - Herb POV - 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Herb contemplates Bojack’s substance abuse problems, his own avoidance of the problem, and how it got them both where they are now.

An overdose.

An  _ overdose _ .

Herb rolls the word around in his head over and over again. It seemed less and less real the more he thought about it. Despite what he went through just hours before.

They told him that Bojack had been mixing drugs and alcohol, but they couldn’t tell him exactly what yet. Herb had a sneaking suspicion that the bottles Bojack had recently started hiding in his dressing room were somewhat to blame. Among other things…

He ran his hands through his thinning hair and sighed. Playing all his memories from the past few months over and over again in his mind, looking for something,  _ anything _ , that would help explain what had happened. 

Anything Bojack had said that he hadn’t taken seriously, anything he’d done that had been ignored. Any clue, no matter how small, that would explain how things had gotten so bad so quickly that Bojack was now in the hospital for a drug overdose.

Herb felt sick to his stomach.

He shifted a bit in the uncomfortable hospital chair and sighed, propping his head up with his hands and leaning his elbows on his knees. He leaned forward and stared at the flecks in the hospital linoleum he had gotten to know so well these past few hours and thought.

How did this happen?

What did he take? Painkillers it sounded like. Did he get them from a doctor? Was he in pain and he just lost track of how many he took? Did he take a bunch on purpose? 

Herb’s gut twisted at the prospect that this was a suicide attempt. He refused to believe that it could have been, and pushed the thought out of his mind.

Bojack might have been taking painkillers sure, but he needed them right? And sure, Herb was aware that Bojack wasn’t one to shy away from drugs when he was at a party or something, but not just on the  _ regular _ . And yeah, Herb had known that Bojakc’s drinking had been getting a little out of hand lately but it wasn’t like it was a  _ problem  _ problem _ ,  _ right? He never did more than drink a little too much… and they both liked to drink! Bojack’s always been a heavy drinker- No, wait, that’s not true…. Bojack didn’t even drink when Herb first met hi-

Oh God. He laid the foundation to get Bojack here didn’t he?

And as much as it pained Herb to admit it, Bojack had expressed to him how stressed out he had been with the show lately and Herb had dismissed him.

He slumped in the chair and pressed his face into his hands. He thought he was beyond the point of crying by now. Thought that he had emptied all his reserves of tears hours ago, and he wasn’t sure he would ever forget just how terrified and helpless he felt. Everything happened so quickly. 

Herb took a shuddering breath and rubbed at his eyes, willing away the weak pin pricks of tears forming there. He jumped at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder and looked up to the face of a sheep nurse. 

“Sir, are you okay?”

Herb sat up straighter in his chair and swallowed thickly, “Y-yeah yeah I’m fine. Is he…? he’s gonna be okay right?”

The nurse scribbled something on her clipboard and adjusted her glasses, “Yes, he’s stable now, but in the future I would recommend he not mix painkillers, and alcohol if he wants to avoid death.”

Jesus Christ.

Herb turned his head to try and catch a glimpse of Bojack through the blinds covering the window into his room, as if just seeing him right now might answer all the questions racing through his head. He struggled to find his voice for a moment and managed to squeak out, “Can I see him?”

The nurse looked at Herb and gave him a once-over from top to bottom. Herb figured he must have looked pretty miserable because she only held her breath for a second and then said, “Give me a moment I’ll have to ask him.”

She leaned back into the room and asked Bojack’s permission for a visitor. Herb strained to hear his voice, he sounded tired and raspy and irritated but Herb couldn’t quite make out what he said.

The nurse turned back to face him, “Your name sir?”

Herb cleared his throat as he stood from his chair, “Herb Kazzaz.”

She looked back into the room and repeated his name. Then there was a long beat of silence, and Herb all of a sudden felt very self-conscious of his presence there. 

The nurse clears her throat and asks him if he wants to refuse the visit. Herb squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his hands into tight fists, praying that Bojack lets him in. He hears his voice again, and the nurse nods before turning back to him.

“Okay you can go in, but please keep in mind he is very weak right now. Don’t upset him, and keep it short, he needs some rest. Call if you need anything, and if you’re gone before I come back, you can visit him tomorrow alright?” And with that she patted Herb on the shoulder and turned down the hall, leaving him alone.

Herb stood there and didn’t move, he couldn’t, he felt like somehow he had been rooted into the tile. The second he was told that Bojack was alright Herb was desperate to see him again, but now that he was allowed he felt so…  _ exhausted _ . For hours he struggled to answer all the questions the doctors and nurses asked, and waited and waited for any note on his friend’s condition, not knowing whether or not he was going to survive.

Survive his overdose.

Herb took a deep breath, and walked into the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to wait to post this but i couldn't so here you go!!


	3. We Need To Talk - 1993

Herb stood in the doorway, he and Bojack briefly made eye contact, then suddenly they both decided that there were more interesting things to look at in the room. 

Herb didn’t move from the entrance, and Bojack finally broke the silence by tentatively offering a greeting.

“Hey.”

Herb still didn’t move. “Hey.”

An all encompassing silence followed, then Herb coughed lightly and moved toward the side of the room, where he grabbed a chair from the wall and brought it next to Bojack’s bed. For a brief moment, Bojack could see in his friend’s eyes that he’d been crying, and the jolt of guilt makes him so anxious he strains himself to sit up, just to dispel the energy. Herb sat with a sigh and rubbed at his eyes before looking back up at Bojack, clearing his throat. 

“How- how are you feeling?”

Bojack shifts a bit in the bed, “Well, I’m not dead so that’s probably good, huh?” He jokes, hoping to lighten the atmosphere in the room.

It does not work. 

Herb gives him an incredibly pained look, before his expression shifts to one of anger. 

“You stupid godamn jackass.”

Bojack jumps in before he can continue, “Herb listen, what happened today was just- just a freak thing.”

“What  _ happened _ ?”

“Herb-”

“Bojack, you  _ overdosed _ . You had so much alcohol, and so many drugs in you that your body shut down and you could have  _ died. _ Not to mention the fact that when you passed out you nearly cracked your damn skull on the coffee table!” Herb was overwhelmed, so he put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. Bojack had enough sense to stay quiet.

“Do you know what it was like for me?”

“Herb.” Bojack's voice came out as little more than a squeak.

“You just  _ collapsed _ . Sara Lynn started crying, and everyone was freaking out. The doctors here said I called just in time. But when the paramedics were taking you away, do you know what I heard?”

Bojack stayed quiet and looked at his hands.

“The last thing I heard was that you had no heartbeat. Then you were gone, and I had no idea where they took you, for  _ hours _ .” Herb lifted his head but kept his eyes down. “I thought you were dead.”

The room was silent. Bojack squeezed his eyes shut.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

Silence fell over them again, neither knew what else there was to say.

Herb’s face suddenly twisted into a grimace. “Christ, Bojack.” He looked up at him, making genuine eye contact with the horse for the first time since entering the room. “I’m sorry too.”

Bojack was stunned for a moment, then completely confused, “For what?”

“I should’ve never let it get this bad. I should’ve been looking out for you more. We were fighting all the time and,” Tears were threatening to fall from his eyes but he willed them to stay put. “I- I knew you had a problem but it didn’t know how I could help, so I didn’t.”

Bojack suddenly felt very protective of Herb. He reached out and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Hey, hey. Herb, this isn’t your fault at all. I’m an adult, and I made shitty decisions, and I hurt people… and I hurt you. That’s my fault.”

Herb sniffed but didn’t say anything. He tried to casually wipe his eyes, but Bojack noticed, and it made his heart twist in a way he wasn’t exactly familiar with.

“Herb, when I do shitty things like this it’s just because  _ I’m  _ shitty. And it’s no one's fault but mine.” He made a second attempt to lighten the mood, “Besides it was never your job to babysit me 24/7.”

Herb laughed a hollow-sounding laugh, ”Well, it probably will be soon… I can’t imagine the network is gonna take the news well.”

Bojack jumped a little at that, he hadn't even thought about the network executives. “Do- do you think they’re gonna fire me?”

Herb paused, “Definitely not.” He lied, he had no idea what was going to happen after tonight.

Once again the room grew quiet, but this time it was a more comfortable silence.

“I really am sorry for everything I’ve put you through, Herb.”

“I know, BJ.”

Herb sighs, but it’s not as heavy as it was before. He stood up and smoothed out his shirt, lightly avoiding eye contact, “Look, it’s late, I’m glad you’re okay. I’ll be in sometime tomorrow to see you and we can talk more about,” He waved his hand around in the air, “making a plan for all this.”

Bojack’s ears perked and he sat up a little more, “You’re coming back?”

Herb’s eyes widened before he snorted out stern but familiar, “Of course I’m coming back you  _ ass _ .”

“Oh...” Bojack smiled, “Okay.”

Herb gave him a small, tired smile back. Reaching out he pressed one hand into the horse's chest, gently pushing him back onto the hospital bed. 

“Get some rest BJ. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Bojack’s exhaustion hit him like a brick and he remembered how tired he had been just moments ago. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he yawned.

Herb let his hand linger for a moment on his chest, and they both noticed, but neither said anything.

“Bye BJ.”

Herb left and Bojack sighed, sinking a bit into his pillow. After about thirty minutes of restlessness, he finally fell asleep.

Thinking about Herb’s hand on his chest.


	4. The Final Straw - 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Herb and Bojack discuss a plan for the future.
> 
> Or, y'all already know what tf gonna happen! This bitch is getting sent to rehab

The pills and the alcohol on set the day Bojack overdosed were certainly the straw that broke the camel's back. But it turned out that Bojack had been such a heavy user that the hospital had to keep him on a controlled substance while he was in their care or else he could die of shock. 

Something about that made Bojack feel very embarrassed. Herb had been visiting him in the hospital every day, and Bojack was having a hard time making eye contact with the man. 

He still looked so tired. Like the whole event had aged him ten years at least. He certainly wasn’t sleeping well, that much was obvious. Hell, Bojack was the one recovering from an overdose and he looked better than Herb.

Then again, it was Herb who was dealing with all the backlash from the network right now, not Bojack.

As it turns out, calling every hospital in a 10 mile radius asking if Bojack Horseman had been admitted there for a drug overdose is not the best way to figure out where the ambulance took him.

The network executives were breathing down Herb’s neck for a solution to this PR problem, rumors had already begun circulating about Bojack and this was easily the worst thing he’d been in the news for since he fist fought Paul McCartney at the Golden Globes last year.

Finally, two days after Bojack’s overdose, (and subsequent head injury) the hospital was ready to discharge him, and Herb had whipped up a plan. 

\---

“ _ Rehab _ !? I don’t need rehab!”

Herb sighed heavily, he knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but he tried not to let Bojack’s stubbornness irritate him. He was after all, well versed in dealing with Bojack’s drama.

“BJ, you  _ overdosed. _ ”

“T-That was a freak thing I  _ told  _ you! Just give me some time and I’ll be fine-”

“BJ-”

“Herb,  _ trust me _ . Now that we know there’s a  _ problem- _ ”

“That  _ you have  _ a problem.”

“I  _ don't  _ have a-”

Herb stood up and pointed at Bojack. “ _ Don’t you dare _ .”

Bojack went silent immediately and looked down at his lap. Herb sighed pinched the bridge of his nose before he sat back down.

“I’ve been talking with the network-”

“Herb,  _ please _ , I- I just think-”

“BJ,” Herb’s voice came out much softer yet just as stern, he gave the horse a very pointed look, “this isn’t a request.”

He continued, “Sara Lynn’s mother is threatening to sue, the network is breathing down our necks, the media is running wild stories and rumors about you and the show.” Herb tried and failed to not let emotion overtake his voice when he added, “Hell, BJ, you almost  _ died. _ ”

He took another breath to steady himself and grabbed the papers that he’d brought in with him, “The network executives and I worked out a plan. You sign up for a six-month package at a clinic, once you’re finished with detox, we’ll start Horsin Around again on a modified shooting schedule. A couple of days a week you’ll come onto the set to film, and the rest of the time you’ll be getting treatment. What do you think, Buddy?”

Bojack had taken to looking out the window while Herb detailed the plan, and it was a long moment before he spoke.

"Why don't you just fire me?"

Herb cringed and tried not to let it show that that was something he had to talk a few execs out of. "C’mon BJ, we can't do the show without you."

Bojack didn’t look entirely convinced. He sighed and ran a hand down his long face. “Okay so, hypothetically,” he raised his hands and gestured with them as he spoke, “what if I  _ do  _ go to rehab, and I get sober, but when I get out, I’m just the same shitty guy, and I relapse again?” His hands fell into his lap.

“... Then you’ll get sober again.”

Bojack groaned and put a hand over his eyes.

“Listen BJ,” Herb gently placed his hand over Bojack’s that was still in his lap. The horse shifted a bit but didn’t move his hand. Herb thought he could see a faint blush take up real estate across his friend’s face but convinced himself it was his eyes playing tricks on him. He cleared his throat lightly, “Rehab isn’t some cure-all that’s gonna make everything okay. But it’s a good first step, and after you get out, we can take it from there.” 

Bojack peeked out from under his hand at the human but said nothing, Herb continued, “And I’m going to be there for you every step of the way.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Bojack hummed and reflected on this for a minute.

“Where is it?”

That wasn’t exactly one of the questions Herb had been prepared for. 

“Oh, well, I’ve heard good things about Pastiches, Malibu.” He said, leafing through his papers.

“And how- how long would I be there?”

“All in all the whole thing will take roughly three months.”

He nodded slowly, “and when would I leave?”

Herb froze up and hesitated before answering, “Today.”

Bojack’s breath hitched in his throat, that was a lot faster than he had anticipated. He clenched his hands into fists and took a deep breath, “ That’s… wow.”

“I know, and I’m sorry, but the network wants us to work fast. The hospital discharges you today and they don’t want to risk something happening.”

Bojack groaned and rubbed at his head, meanwhile Herb knit his eyebrows together and started formulating an idea.

He carefully started, “Y’know…… I live in Malibu.”

Bojack looked at him, “Yeah?”

“I could come to the clinic and get you on the new shooting schedule.” He sat up, excited, ”Yeah, pick you up for filming and bring you back at the end of the day!”

“You would do that for me?”

Herb smiled at him, “Of course.”

“Oh." Bojack smiled back weakly before sighing, "Well… okay, I guess.”

Herb perked up, “Yeah?”

“Yeah, sure.” He waved his hands around in the air, “Bojack Horseman is going to rehab! Beats dying I guess.”

“That’s the spirit.” Herb snarked.

Bojack snorted and Herb gave him the most genuine smile he’d seen directed at him from the man in a while, and he felt his chest swell a little.

But he tried not to overthink it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your kind comments, they really keep me going! :)


	5. A Horse Walks Into Rehab - 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack begins rehab and makes a friend as he adjusts to life at Pastiches.

Once Bojack was done with his registration, he was given a brief counseling session with a doctor who outlined for him what the next three months of his life were going to look like at rehab. After that, it was time for him to meet the other recovering addicts who he would be undergoing treatment alongside. 

He entered the Group Therapy room, it was a circular space with padded benches along the wall, and large windows letting in plenty of sunlight. Most of the seats were already occupied by other new patients. Some were talking, one or two were crying, most were just sitting quietly, avoiding eye contact or playing with their hands.

Bojack made a little anxious noise in his throat. For some reason, now that he was here, starting his first official day of rehab, he felt so scared, in a way he couldn’t really describe. It sort of felt like when he was a kid, and his parents sent him off to summer camp for the first time. Except now he couldn’t just hide in his bunk from his problems for the next few weeks. He sighed and headed to the far side of the room, taking an empty seat next to another horse. A Norwegian Fjord if he’s not mistaken.

He’s sitting with his arms crossed, staring out the window when Bojack approaches but turns to look at him once he realizes someone is sitting next to him.

He squints a little and says, “You look familiar, do I know you?”

Bojack pauses and realizes that for the first time since he got famous, he doesn’t want anyone to know who he is. He clears his throat, “Uh no, I don’t think so… My name’s… Bo.”

The horse sits up straighter and extends his hand, “Doctor Champ.” 

“Oh? What are you a doctor of?”

“Nothing.” He doesn’t miss a beat, like a man who has had to explain this to everyone he’s ever met. “My name is Doctor. So, what are you in for?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we all  _ know  _ what we’re in for, drugs and drinking and all that.” He says waving his hand around casually. “What did you, y’know,  _ do _ ? What was the ‘final straw’ that got you sent to rehab?” He asked with a sarcastic edge.

“Oh. I uh, I overdosed in front of my coworkers. A- and some kids I know. And my best friend.”

He cringes, “Yikes.”

“Yeah. Yikes...” Bojack turns his gaze to the floor.

The other horse leans over and pats him on the back “Hey don’t worry about it so much, there’s tons of people here who’ve done worse.”

Bojack looks up at him, “... What about you? What did you do?”

He grimaces and looks away for a moment, but turns back around right as the group therapist enters the room. Bojack had met him in the reception area, he was an overly peppy cockatiel who Bojack was  _ so sure _ he would totally  _ not  _ be completely sick of after three months. 

“Welcome to Pastiches Malibu, everyone! And welcome to our first group therapy session, let’s all begin the healing process together!” He says clasping his hands in front of him and grinning.

Bojack groans under his breath.

\---

He hadn’t really anticipated just how much he’d be throwing up here. 

Of course, they had explained to him what detox was going to be like, but he wished he had taken it more seriously. He felt like he was dying, it was like his overdose times ten. But instead of lasting for about an hour and having the sweet release of unconsciousness afterward, it would instead last for a week. And then he’d have to  _ finish  _ rehab on top of that. Ugh.

For a while, he was confined to his room, where he was left to throw up, cry, and stare at the ceiling wishing he was dead. Or, wishing he could drink, depending on his mood. After a while, he started to feel a little better, but then they wanted him to  _ do things _ . A proposition he took great offense to.

And there were  _ so many things. _

First, they made him go to Group Therapy, which was just the endless droll of a bunch of sad sacks complaining every day. Then, there was Art Therapy, oh what fun it is to create something so ugly it makes you want to cut off your hands. Plant Therapy was another, whole lotta good that did for his morale, killing a different plant each week. Yoga Therapy wasn’t that bad because the instructor was a pushover and he could just lay down on the ground the whole time. But Bojack’s absolute  _ least favorite _ was Hike Therapy. He could barely stand upright most of the time, and they wanted him to walk up a  _ mountain _ ?

Everything felt meaningless and terrible since he'd gotten to rehab. 

He was barely getting any sleep, he had stomach cramps all the time, he was unfocused and nauseous, he felt like he was making no progress so  _ what’s the goddamn point _ ? 

The food sucked, the people sucked, the doctors sucked. 

_ Rehab. Fucking. Sucked. _

The only thing he even remotely looked forward to was Writing Therapy, which consisted of writing letters to loved ones because apparently letter writing is therapeutic? Even then, he was only bothering to do that to tide him over until his first visitation day…

\---

Dear Herb,

Hello! This is a letter. Rehab is making me write a letter to a friend for Writing Therapy or whatever. 

Anyway, rehab is going okay I guess. The food stinks and they’re always trying to get me to move my body though. Lots of hikes, and movie nights, and yoga, and I think next week we’re doing a color war? 

And, it’s good that I’m here, I get that. 

And it’s good that I’m not drinking or taking pills, but I keep thinking about how this isn’t real life y’know? It's summer camp, temporary, easy. And as nice as this is, I know that soon I’ll have to go back to the real world. And I don’t know what that’s gonna be like for me, or anybody else, you know?

I miss you, buddy. Does everyone on set hate me?

Anyway, that’s my letter! I probably won’t even send it, but if you’re reading this, I guess I did?

Your Friend, Bojack

P.S.

Horseman

\---

Dear Mom and Dad,

Hey, so, ignore anything you heard about me on the news. I’m fine. I had a little incident on set and now I’m gonna be staying at a rehabilitation clinic in Malibu for the next three months. 

But I’m fine.

  * Your Son Bojack



\---

Herb visits on the first Friends and Family Day after Bojack’s detox is officially over. He was led into an open room off the reception area that had plenty of seats, big windows looking out onto the beach, and groups of people talking and embracing one another. He started to scan the room for a sign of Bojack but didn’t have to look long because he suddenly felt someone grab his shoulder, and was turned around face to face with the horse himself. 

His first reaction was that he didn’t look so good. He had heavy bags under tired eyes and it looked like he had given up on properly brushing his mane. His voice came out in a sad, desperate whine, “Herb! Thank god, I’m so glad you’re here, never leave my side.”

Suddenly Herb found himself being squeezed into a tight hug, his face pressed against Bojack’s chest and his own heart skipping a beat. He shook off his surprise and wriggled his arms out of Bojack’s grip to wrap them around him and return the gesture. 

Herb gently patted the larger man on the back and greeted him, “Hey BJ!” Herb let go of him to take a step back and get a better look at the man, and his voice took on a softer tone. “You look..… alive. How’s rehab been, Buddy?”

Bojack grimaced at him and scoffed, crossing his arms and pouting like a child. “ _ Shitty _ .”

Herb frowned and reached out to touch Bojack’s shoulder, feeling the way his tense muscles relaxed his to his touch. “Hey, I know it’s hard right now, but it won't be that way forever.”

Bojack sighs heavily.

“And as long as you keep working at it, you’ll be just fine.” He pauses, “You  _ are  _ working at it, right? Because, your therapist says you seem to be, resisting treatment… ”

Bojack stiffened up indignantly and prepared himself to hotly defend himself and claim that this was all a waste of time but the fire inside him died as quickly as it was lit.

He slumped forward, “It’s... hard.”

Herb gives him a sympathetic look, “I know Buddy. But you wanna know what else I know?” He points at him, “That you can  _ do  _ this. You know why? Because you’re Bojack goddamn Horseman.”

Bojack smiles despite himself and hums in response.

Herb rubs at the back of his neck, “Your first day back at set is next week, do you think you’ll be ready?”

Bojack takes a deep breath, “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I uh, I’ve missed you, Herb.”

He smiles at him, “I’ve missed you too BJ.”

\---

Bojack sees a familiar horse sitting alone again, long after visitation hours are over and approaches him, “Hey, Doctor Champ.”

He looks up and watches Bojack sit next to him, “Hey Bo, you not interested in movie night either?”

He shakes his head with a sneer, “No, ugh, I don’t even like regular hockey, why would I wanna watch a movie about it?”

Doctor Champ leans back in his chair, “So how was your visit with your friends, and or, family?”

“I was nice, I feel like I’m, gonna be okay you know? How about you?”

Doctor Champ crosses his arms over his chest and shifts uncomfortably, “My husband and my daughter couldn’t make it. B-but they’ll be here next time.”

Bojack winces a little, and gives a strained smile, “Oh. Yeah, I’m sure.”

There’s a long, uncomfortable moment of silence until Doctor Champ finally breaks it. “Hey I saw you with your boyfriend, he seems nice.”

“Herb? Yeah, he’s a real-  _ wait.  _ I- he-” Bojack chokes on his words, struggling to explain himself without offending Doctor Champ. “He- he’s not my  _ boyfriend _ , he’s just my  _ friend _ .” He forces a chuckle to make it seem nonchalant.

Doctor Champ raises an eyebrow and smiles a bit but lets it go, “Okay.”

Bojack fidgets uncomfortably before hopping out of his seat “Y’know, I think I  _ will  _ join movie night, “The Mighty Ducks'' sounds like a hoot! I’m just gonna, see you later. Alright, take care!” And quickly exits the room.

Doctor Champ snorts to himself.

\---

Dear Herb,

We had a lot of people leave Pastiches since I saw you. And anytime someone leaves rehab they tell you to think about your own progress. Some days you think that you’re not progressing at all, but other days you think, well, maybe a little. 

The main thing I think about is how stupid I am that I didn’t do this sooner. I wasted so many years being miserable because I assumed it was the only way I could be. 

But I don’t wanna do that anymore.

Also, am I crazy? Or have I gotten really good at writing letters?

This is Bojack by the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God did I feel galaxy brained when I figured out that I could make Doctor Champ a patient at Pastiches. 
> 
> Also! As of right now, I have almost 30 chapters loosely planned out for this AU


	6. Relapse - 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack has become the face for substance abuse recovery, and ABC wants him to make an appearance while he's in rehab. It does not go well for him.

The ABC executives had a very interesting solution to the PR scandal Bojack had raised in regards to their network and substance abuse. Days after Bojack had been dropped off at Pastiches, ABC released numerous statements and news articles about how they were first and foremost a  _ family  _ network, and they were going to treat their employees in need like family. And before anyone knew what had happened, Bojack had become the new poster child for substance abuse awareness, and an icon of rehabilitation and recovery.

That was all fine and dandy when Bojack didn’t have to deal with any of it, but now the execs wanted him to make appearances at parties, and give soundbites for magazines and newspapers. Herb had tried to appeal to their sense of decency, but with how much positive attention ABC was getting out of Bojack being in rehab, they insisted (demanded) that he come to at least one event while in recovery.

That’s how Bojack and Herb ended up at a network party only one month into Bojack's stay at Pastiches. And how Bojack ended up hyperventilating in the bathroom while Herb went off to grill Angela Diaz as to why there was so much alcohol at a party meant to celebrate a man’s  _ rehabilitation process. _

The minute they had arrived Bojack was swarmed with cameras and microphones. He managed some clear and positive statements despite his irritation and smiled until his face hurt. When they finally left him alone, he was left with a headache that only got worse and worse the longer they were there. 

Everybody was drinking and Bojack’s alcohol cravings were through the roof. He started to feel like the room was closing in on him, surrounding him with no escape, his heart beating like a jackhammer until he managed to hide away from it all in the restroom. He splashed some water on his face and took several deep breaths until his heart rate slowed to a non-panicky level.

Some suit Bojack didn’t recognize came in to fix his hair, and Bojack struggles to look like he wasn’t having a panic attack a couple seconds ago. He fails.

“Hey buddy you don’t look so good.”

Bojack grunts and squeezes his eyes shut, “I’m fine, I just have a headache… Hey, you have an Advil or something?”

The guy laughs and then smiles at him, digging into his pocket he produces a small white pill. “Sure thing horse-guy, take this little buddy and you’ll be feelin better in no time!” He hands it to him and laughs again making his way to the door, but he stops short of leaving and turns back to Bojack.

“Hey, aren't you the Horse from Horsin Around?”

Bojack rolls his eyes and swallows the pill, “No.”

\--- 

The lights that once amplified his headache now feel so warm and inviting on his skin. Everything felt soft and comfortable, like wrapping yourself in a blanket fresh out of the dryer. Bojack can’t remember what he was freaking out about before, this party seems so nice.

There are lots of people here, he recognizes a few but brushes past them, he can’t exactly tell what anyone is talking about anyway. Every now and again he thinks he hears a snippet of a conversation but it leaves his mind as quickly as it arrives. A small group of people near him start laughing and he laughs along without caring why.

He didn’t know where he was going when he left the bathroom but he ended up at the bar. He thinks he can hear his name but he doesn’t respond. there’s an untouched beer on the bar top and he reaches for it without thinking.

A hand reaches out and grabs his arm before he can get to it, and Bojack furrows his brow and pouts like a child. Turning to see who stopped him from getting a drink he looks right into Herb’s stern.

“What the  _ hell  _ do you think you’re doing?”

Bojack wasn’t sure how he should answer since it seemed obvious what he was  _ trying  _ to do.

“Getting a drink?” Bojack snorts, finding the situation funny all of a sudden, “Why?”

Herb’s eyebrows shoot up before they knit back together into an expression of anger. 

“Are you goddamn kidding me? How many drinks have you had already? I left you alone for  _ ten minutes _ BJ. ”

Bojack started giggling, and Herb felt a twinge of panic shoot through him. Bojack didn’t giggle when he was drunk, but he definitely wasn’t sober right now. Herb glanced around the room nervously taking count of just how many people here he knew for a fact were drug users in one way or another. He stopped counting at fifteen and turned his attention back to Bojack, who was presently trying to flag down the bartender after someone had taken the beer he wanted.

Herb reaches back over and tugs Bojack away from the bar by his lapels, making the horse scrunch his face up in annoyance. He grabbed his hand and led him out onto the dark patio far from the ill-conceived party inside.

Bojack seemed confused as to why he was suddenly outside but just smiled at Herb and squeezed his hand. Herb instinctively pulled his hand away from the horse’s and tried to ignore how Bojack frowned when he did so.

“BJ… '' Herb sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I’m not gonna be mad, just tell me what you took.”

Bojack’s eyes widened and he threw his head back in a dramatic way, “Oooooooh!  _ That’s  _ what this is about!” Bojack smiles dumbly at him and waves his arms around trying to illustrate his story, “I had a headache remember? From all this  _ bullshit, a _ nd this stupid  _ party _ . And everyone  _ looking _ at me, y’know? Like  _ that. _ And I- I took an Advil.”

A gnawing feeling grew in Herb’s chest, “Where did you get an Advil?”

Bojack staggered over to a bench and leaned on it, waving his hand around dismissively, “I unno, some guy in the bathroom gave it to me.”

A deep sense of dread spread through Herb’s chest. He left Bojack alone for ten minutes. What the hell was he thinking, leaving a rehab patient alone at a  _ network event _ like this? Which to top it off apparently had an open bar. Thanks ABC.

Herb follows Bojack to the bench and sits down, rubbing at his eyes, “Bojack I am  _ so sorry _ .”

Bojack plopped heavily next to him onto the bench and asked, “Why? I feel  _ great _ !” , as he stretched his arms out over the backrest. Herb groaned and put his face in his hands, debating whether or not to explain to his friend what was actually happening, seeing as he was too high to realize he’d relapsed.

Bojack lolled his head over to look at Herb, and a very warm, very genuine smile slowly spread across his muzzle. Herb took a deep breath and turned to face Bojack just in time to see his glassy eyes fill with admiration and felt a blush spread across his face despite how much he tried to repress it.

Bojack just kept smiling, seemingly unaware of his friend’s flustered state, and settled his head against his own shoulder. 

“Hey.” 

Herb fidgets. “Yeah?”

“Do you remember… that time in Griffith Park, when you kissed me?”

Herb felt his heart jump into his throat. He and Bojack had never discussed that kiss beyond the initial backpedaling and rejection, followed immediately by seven years of extremely specific amnesia.

He cleared his throat and tried to look anywhere except his friend’s face. “I uh, yeah, I do. Why?”

Bojack closed his eyes and sloughed his free arm off the back of the bench, pointing at Herb as he talked, “Yeah! You kissed me!” He paused for a moment and his face fell, his eyes trailing to the ground, “and I pushed you away didn’t I? ... I’m sorry I did that Herb.”

Herb momentarily forgot about being embarrassed in his confusion, “Huh?”

Bojack moved closer to Herb, sitting up and sliding his arm behind the smaller man, “I’m sorry for pushing you away… I just panicked…” 

Bojack leaned closer and said in a low voice that made Herb want to shiver had he not been so tense, “That’s not what I wanted to do.”

Herb scooted closer to Bojack against his better judgement, his heart rate slowing and his eyelids lowering.

“... Yeah? What did you want to do?”

Their faces were inches away from one another’s.

A loud clattering and voices sounded from behind them and nearly gave both men heart attacks. Each man jumped away from the other like he was made of red hot metal and assumed what they prayed were casual poses. They stayed frozen in place as a caterer came out to throw some garbage away and returned back to the building. The heavy door closed with a thunk, and a solid moment passed before Bojack and Herb both let out the breaths they were holding.

Bojack looked much less high than he had before, and Herb was a lot redder than he had been before.

Neither said anything for a long time until Herb broke the silence with a voice barely above a whisper, “I think we should take you back to rehab now...”

Bojack just nodded.

\---

The drive back to the rehab clinic is dead silent, and Herb is incredibly thankful to whoever picked the venue that the party wasn’t too far away from the rehab center.

Bojack had quickly sobered up after the scare they got on the patio but still felt a little sensitive and warm. Or maybe that was just the warmth that he felt in his cheeks every couple of minutes he got distracted by something he saw out the window, got bored, looked back at Herb, and remembered that they had almost kissed (again). 

Rinse. Repeat.

After a while, Bojack gets tired of the pattern and has sobered up enough to start thinking about the ramifications of the night’s events, and not just with Herb. He slides down in his seat a little and looks over at his friend.

“Do you think I'm gonna be in trouble at Pastiches ?”

Herb sighs deeply, “Yeah, probably.”

“Oh.” Bojack looks back at him with the saddest eyes he’s ever seen from the man, “You think they’re gonna take my chip away?”

Herb nods silently.

“Oh.”

The rest of the drive is quiet, and when they reach the clinic they only give each other one-word goodbyes. Herb watches Bojack go in, and sits in the parking lot thinking, he sighs after a while and leaves, only a little ashamed to be thinking about the bottle of wine he has calling his name back home.

\---

Bojack managed to slip into Pastiches with little questioning from the staff. It breaks his heart that he’ll have to explain what happened tonight to his therapist tomorrow. And he briefly considers not telling anybody anything, but then decides that if anyone found out later, they might not let Herb see him anymore. And above all else, he  _ needs _ Herb right now. Even if he made things between them  _ super  _ weird now...

Bojack sulks into his room and falls face-first onto his bed, not bothering to close the door. After a second he groans and turns his face to the side, trying for a less uncomfortable position. He gazes at the stripe of yellow the hall light throws onto the floor and thinks about the things he had said to Herb earlier.

It was kind of hard to remember exactly, but he remembers bringing up the time they kissed at Griffith Park. How close their faces were. What he might have had the guts to do if that caterer didn’t take the trash out then. Maybe...

The sudden appearance of a horse-shaped shadow blocking the light startles Bojack from his thoughts, and he looks up to see Doctor Champ standing in the doorway.

He yawns, “Hey, you’re back, how was the party?”

“I relapsed.” Bojack bluntly replied, “Someone at the party gave me drugs when I asked for an Advil.” 

Doctor Champ’s eyes widen, taken off guard by the sudden confession, “Oh god. With what?”

Bojack things for a minute and sits up, “Hmm, I was all touchy-feely, and I was like, okay being around people? Which is totally not me usually, and I felt really warm and fuzzy, so I wanna say… Ecstasy?”

Doctor Champ shifts his weight from one foot to another, “I thought it was a party about being clean? Why would there be drugs there?”

“No, it was a  _ network  _ party about how I’m clean now...  _ Was _ clean…” Bojack groans and grabbed a pillow to shove his face into. “They're gonna take my one month chip away… and it's not even my fault! I mean, I know they brainwash you into thinking these things are more important than they are. But I was so excited when I got it, all I thought was, ‘I wish Herb could see this’.”

Doctor Champs hums sadly, “That’s rough. I’m sorry that happened, Bojack. Are you gonna be okay?”

He sighs, “Well, I’ve got a few more months here, let’s hope I don’t get drugged again.”

Doctor Champ was quiet and Bojack felt compelled to ask him a question he’d been wondering since he met the man. 

“How long have you been here?”

The man shifted again and crossed his arms, “Same as you… But this is my second time in rehab.”

Bojack cringes and squeezes his eyes shut, sighing again.

“But hey, y’know what? It gets easier.”

He opened his eyes and looked at him, “Yeah?”

“Yeah, every day it gets a little easier.” He points at Bojack, “But you’ve gotta do it every day, that’s the hard part. But it does get easier.” He smiled and patted the door frame before leaving him alone.

Bojack sat on the edge of his bed and stared hard at the floor, “... Okay.”


	7. The Phone Call - 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after Bojack's relapse at the party he gives Herb a call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my readers can have a little chapter, as a treat.  
> (adjfhdksj I wrote this today before class because I realized it's the perfect time to reference Bojack's call to Diane in season 1.)

Herb’s phone rings but he doesn’t answer it. 

The bottle of wine he downed last night was wreaking its havoc on him now that it’s morning. He had managed to get out of bed for some water, but he made the mistake of lying on his couch and now he couldn’t get up.

The phone continued to ring and Herb grabbed a throw pillow and pressed it over his ears, tightening it harder and harder as each ring pierced through his hangover. Finally, the ringing ceased and he relaxed with a sigh, then he heard his answering machine beep, and the tape started rolling.

“Hey, Herb,” came Bojack’s voice through the speaker.

Herb’s eyes shot open, he tried to sit up but fell flat back on the couch when a wave of nausea rolled over him.

Bojack’ continued, “It’s uh, me,” he laughed nervously. “Listen, things got a bit weird last night, so uh, I just wanna make sure we’re still on for Friends and Family Day on Wednesday. I also wanted to just um, let you know how much I appreciate all that you’ve been doing for me, helping me through rehab and all.” 

His voice sounded strained. 

“And I’m sorry if I’ve been difficult in any way during this whole process, y’know it’s really hard to have somebody,  _ know _ you, I guess. A- and you do, know me, Herb.“

Herb hands tightened in the fabric of his shirt and he closed his eyes.

“And I know I’m not the perfect guy, I actually kind of hate myself a lot of the time. But when, when I’m with you, I uh, don’t hate myself. I like being around you, a- and I like you. A lot. And you’re my best friend. And I don’t know if I ever told you that in so many words. So, I’m telling you. Call me back. This was Bojack by the way. Horseman, obviously.”

Herb couldn’t help but chuckle as the machine stopped recording.

\---

It was another three hours later when Herb managed to call back. Of course, he got the front desk at Pastiches and the receptionist had to call Bojack to the phone. He waited until he heard some muffled noise and shuffling on the other end, followed by Bojack’s familiar voice.

“Herb?”

Herb had to fight the urge to hang up. “Hey BJ, how’re you feeling?”

“Oh, um, I’m fine. My therapist isn’t happy with the network but uh, I told her I wouldn’t take unidentifiable pills from any strange men in bathrooms again.”

Herb laughed in spite of himself, “That’s probably a good rule to have.” His tone shifted, “So uh, I saw you left me a message-”

Bojack butted in nervously before he could continue. “Delete it. It was just me last night when I was high reciting a recipe for bunt cake.”

Herb paused and listened to him, a little ashamed at how disappointed the lie made him.

He replied carefully, “Okay. Well, I’ll see you on Wednesday, right?”

“Yep, yeah, Wednesday, sounds good! Uh, see you then Herb.”

“Yeah, see you then.”

Herb hung up the phone and groaned, pressing his hands into his eyes. “This man is gonna kill me.” He mutters to himself.


	8. And We're Horsin Around - 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack faces some challenges on his first day back on set Horsin Around.

Bojack’s relapse at the network party had put a bit of a wrench into ABC’s plans but after another week at Pastiches and a couple of intense reviews by doctors, Bojack was deemed fit to go back to work on Horsin Around. And, after a week of limited contact with Herb, with no words further words exchanged about anything Bojack had said, or what might have happened between them had they not been interrupted at the party, Bojack resigned himself to the same convenient forgetfulness that he imagined Herb was undertaking.

Herb had actually stopped by to give him a fresh script a few days ago and Bojack had been clinging to it like a security blanket ever since. Carrying it everywhere with him through Group Therapy, to Plant Therapy, and even accidentally getting some paint on it during Art Therapy. 

By the time Herb came to pick him up for work the following week, he knew the script like the back of his hand. And that was the only comfort he had at the moment because he was  _ terrified  _ of being back on set. 

The idea of what everyone was thinking about him was driving him crazy. Not only that, but he was fairly certain that he hasn't been sober at work in years. He remembers why he started drinking on set in the first place, it was to help him do a hard scene, after that he figured that it couldn’t hurt to get a little help for  _ all  _ the scenes. And look where  _ that  _ got him.

He’s excited to get back to work, he really is, but he can’t stop that gnawing grating voice at the back of his head:

_ You’re not a real actor. You’re a clown. _

_ You’ll never be able to do your job sober. Your mother was right about you. _

_ Herb should have fired you when he had the chance. You’re gonna ruin his show. _

Bojack understood that now that he couldn’t drink away the voice. But he still didn’t know how to stop it, and he just hoped it would quiet down a little when Herb came to get him.

\---

As Herb shifted gears and they left the parking lot, Bojack pulled the well-worn script out of his pocket and flipped through it absentmindedly.

“Jesus BJ, what the hell did you do to that thing?”

“Nothing,” Bojack said defensively, “I read it like you asked.”

“Yeah I said read it not destroy it,” Herb leaned in for a closer look and squinted, “what’s that stain?”

“Oh, it’s paint from Thursday,” Bojack replied as he brushed his hand over the cover. Herb shot him a concerned look and Bojakc sat up straighter, “Look, don’t worry I’m totally ready for today.”

Herb turned to look at the road and said nothing for a moment, concern still marked on his face, “Are you  _ sure _ ?”

Bojack gave him a smile, “Herb trust me, I’m fine.”

\---

Bojack was definitely not fine.

The second he stepped on set everything went quiet. Then slowly the chattering and murmuring started as everyone tried to pretend that they weren’t gossiping about him as they worked.

Bojack sat in his chair backstage and sighed deeply, trying to ignore the large ball of anxiety forming in his gut. He fidgeted with his hands and pulled the battered script out again rolling and unrolling it nervously. He felt everyone’s eyes on him, burning into him, waiting for him to slip up, an he felt sick to his stomach. Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, he jumped slightly and turned his head to see Herb giving him a sympathetic smile.

“Hey BJ, why don’t you head back to your dressing room for hair and makeup okay?”

Bojack swallowed the lump in his throat and stood up, “Y- yeah, okay, good idea.”

Herb patted his arm, “I’ll come get you when we’re ready to shoot alright?”

Bojack nodded and turned down the hall to his dressing room.

\---

Somehow being in his dressing room felt worse.

As soon as he was in there he felt compelled to look for any remaining pills or alcohol that might have been left behind. Mentally assuring himself that he was looking just in case, and if he found anything he’d throw it away immediately.

But part of him wasn’t sure of that.

It turned out he didn't need to be sure anyway because it looked like everything had already been cleaned out before he got there.

He flopped into his chair and groaned, rubbing his hands down his face. He could really use a cigarette right now, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to wade through the crowd of judgment right now. It reminded him of when he was a teenager, he’d come down from his room for a snack and his mother would criticize his weight. Eventually, he just started sneaking down in the night. Unfortunately, there was no way to get anywhere on set to smoke without running into someone.

Bojack took out the script once again and plopped it onto the coffee table, not bothering to review his lines. He groaned and kicked off the floor sending his chair spinning. While he spun he closed his eyes and leaned his head onto the back of the chair.

As it slowed to stop he heard a light knocking followed by the sound of the door opening. He opened his eyes to see Sharonna standing in the doorway, smiling faintly.

“Hey, look who’s back.”

Bojack opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to figure out what he should say, he settled on, “Hey.”

She rubbed at her arm and avoided eye contact with him. “How, are you? Since the, uh, the thing?”

“I’m alright now.” He has just as hard a time meeting her gaze.

“That’s good! That’s great,” she smiles but it disappears quickly, Bojack… I’m- I’m so-”

“Sharonna, it’s okay, you don’t have to say anything to me. We both made mistakes.”

“No. I was the one who got you drinking on set, I was the one who drank with you that morning, I was the one who didn’t stop you from taking those pills. Bojack, I’m so-”

“You never forced me to drink Sharonna. What happened to me wasn’t your fault, it was mine.”

She puts a hand on his shoulder, “Hey. You gotta let me do this.” Bojack stays quiet.

“I’m sorry Bojack, I’m so so sorry for what I did to help what happened to you. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

“... You could do my hair and makeup.” He says with a chuckle.

Thankfully, she laughs at that, and gives him a tired smile, “That I can do.”

Bojack can feel himself relax as they chat. A little about addiction, a little about rehab, a little about the L.A. Kings, then, back to sobriety. 

Sharonna clears her throat after a while, “Yeah, I uh, I’m going to these AA meetings now.” She smiled at him through the mirror, “You should come join us when you get out of rehab.”

Bojack smiled back, “Yeah? Maybe I will.”

She finishes up with his hair and brushes off his shoulders, “There, all set. You ready to go out there? 

Bojack gives himself a hard look in the mirror. And for the first time in a long time, he feels okay with what he sees. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

\---

Bojack goes out on set and tries to ignore the sheer amount of eyes on him. 

He sees Sara Lynn sitting on the living room set couch and it stops him in his tracks. His mind is at a complete blank on how to interact with her now. Does he be really nice to her and they forget his overdose even happened? Does he avoid her forever and hope she forgets? Does he pretend he’s not a coward for a second and have an honest talk with her about what happened? Probably not that one, but he has to do something, they’re filming a scene together in five minutes.

He doesn’t have to think about it long though, because she spots him in that bright orange sweater almost immediately.

“Bojack!” She’s all smiles, and he can tell that if she didn’t have a makeup artist actively working on her she’d jump up and hug him. Something about that makes him want to squirm, but in a good way.

“Sara Lynn,” He smiles at her, “H- how are you kiddo?”

“How am  _ I _ ?” She asks in that way that kids do that’s always so dramatic, “You’re the one that went to the hospital!”

Bojack cringes at the memory, “Yeah, I, uh, I’m really sorry you had to see that. It must have been pretty scary.”

She shrugs as the makeup artist finishes up and leaves, “Oh well, it wasn’t  _ that _ scary. At first I thought it was just a part of the episode that I forgot about. Then you hit the table.” She gestures to the coffee table in front of them. “Is your head okay?”

“My head? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Um, do you know why I passed out?”

“My Mom told me you had a stomach bug, and it made you faint.”

“Oh yeah? Well, that’s-”

“But then Herb explained to me that what happened to you was a drug overdose.”

Bojack sits on the couch, just a little disappointed, “Oh, he did? … Yeah, that's what happened,” he sighs.

“He says you’re staying at a place in Malibu right now that’s gonna make you feel better. And that’s why we’re filming episodes on this new schedule.”

Bojack nods his head.

“So you’re gonna get better, right?”

He pauses before he smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring way, “Yeah.”

She smiles back, “Good.”

Herb’s voice cuts through the murmur of the crew, “Alright people, let’s get this show on the road. Bojack, Sara Lynn whenever you’re ready.”

Bojack takes a deep breath and turns to Sara Lynn.

“Why the long face Prickly Muffin?”

\---

Bojack catches glimpses of Herb out of the corner of his eye during the rehearsal, and he can’t quite pin the emotion he sees on his face. It almost looks… perplexed? Or maybe amused? Whatever it is, it makes him self conscious after a while, and once they break for lunch, Bojack decides to hang back in the kitchen set and lean against the table to wait for him. Herb finishes up talking with one of the camera guys and approaches him. 

“Hey. How’re you feeling?”

Bojack crosses his arms and leans back on the table, trying to look casual, “Fine… Doing the show is so, different, when I’m sober. But like, the same? I don’t know… Hey, what was with that face you were making?”

Herb cocks and eyebrow, “Huh?”

He shrugs, “I don’t know, you were making like a face at me.” He starts to rub at the back of his neck nervously, “Was I, doing okay?”

Herb messes with his clipboard a little, “Yeah! Yeah, actually I think you were doing  _ better  _ than you usually do. You seemed more present, y’know? More involved than usual.”

Bojack’s ears tip forward a little, “Really?”

“Yeah, you’re a pretty good actor when you’re not drunk or high,” he jokes.

Bojack chuckles with him, “Didn’t know I had it in me did you?”

Herb’s eyebrows knit together and he offers the horse a fond smile, “No I knew.”

Bojack’s eyes widen in suprise before his expression softens into one of affection. “... Yeah?”

Herb returns the look with a smile, “Yeah.” He puts his hand on Bojack’s back and leads him off the set, “C’mon BJ, let’s go eat.”

Bojack thinks about that conversation for the rest of the day, trying to shake off the memory of butterflies in his stomach.

\---

He gets back to Pastiches later that evening and goes into the sitting area with the big windows. The room is empty save for a familiar horse getting coffee at the snack table.

Doctor Champ turns when he hears someone enter the room and smiles, “Hey look who’s back, it’s the Hollywood big shot.” He waves his hand around and calls to the empty room, ”Everybody come get an autograph, it’s Bojack Horseman!”

Bojack rolls his eyes, “Ha ha, very funny.” He looks around before his attention is pulled to the ceiling by a large banner that proclaims, “Good Luck Adam!”, in big pink letters.

“Looks like I missed the party”, he says as he approaches the snack table.

Doctor Champ cheers lazily, “Yep, and a non-alcoholic toast to him!” He says as he raises his coffee cup. “I still think that he was actually Adam Clayton, no?”

“I’m telling you he was not. He barely even looked like him,” Bojack snorts as he grabs a cookie, “Besides, you couldn’t even tell who I was when I first got here.”

The horse laughs, “Your show comes on at 9! I was always drunk by then… Speaking of, how’d your first day back go? Good?”

“Yeah, it felt great to be back on set. And it turns out, I might actually be a good actor?”

He chuckles, “That’s great, seeing as it’s your job.”

Bojack gets himself a cup of coffee and stirs some sugars into it, “Yeah Herb said it too, and he’s really honest so it’s gotta be true.”

Doctor Champ hums to himself, “Hey so, quick question.” He puts his cup down and points at Bojack, “You’re in love with Herb right?”

Bojack nearly chokes on his coffee but manages to sputter out a, “ _ What!? _ ” despite that. 

Doctor Champ shrugs, “Well, you told me you two weren’t dating. But outside of Group, he’s all you ever talk about. He’s the only person who ever visits you, and every time he does, you’re excited all day to see him, you give him a big long hug when you finally do, and then you get really mopey when he leaves.”

Bojack’s face is unmistakably red as he struggles to maintain his composure. “I am  _ not-  _ I- why would you even- as  _ if _ \- his laugh is  _ dumb _ .”

Doctor Champ puts his hands up in front of him in mock surrender, “Alright alright, Listen, whether or not you’re in love with him.”

“ _ Not _ .” Bojack snaps with his hands now firmly planted on his hips.

“ _ Whether or not _ ,” Doctor Champ points to Bojack, “that guy is definitely gay.”

Bojack flusters at that and starts stuttering again, trying to deny it, “What? Herb?  _ Puh-lease _ . He isn’t- I mean- we- definitely  _ not. _ ”

“Oh yeah? Think about it, has he ever done  _ anything  _ that might suggest he’s not interested in women?”

“No. I mean, his most recent girlfriend broke up with him like seven years ago, and when she did she told me that she didn’t think she was what Herb was looking for, and they were always inviting me with them on their dates, and she told me Herb thinks the world of me, but none of that means he’s  _ gay _ , jeez!” He huffs crossing his arms before adding, “Oh and he kissed me once.” 

Doctor Champ busts out laughing. “Oh my god!”, he swings his arms out in front of him, “Face it Bojack, you’re in love with Herb!”

Bojack throws his hands up in frustration, “Oh,  _ come on _ . Why are you obsessed with this?” He starts pacing the room, “I mean, am I attracted to him? Sure. Do my days feel better when I'm around him? Of course. Does he get me in ways no person ever has? Indubitably. Do I fantasize about him? Yeah, but only in like three positions. Look, am I the kind of guy who would fall in love with his best friend just because he’s supportive and kind and funny and has a beautiful smile? Yes.  _ But am I in love with him _ ? The answer's no, so stop worrying about it so much because it is none of your business!” He shouts indignantly.

“Oh dear lord.” Doctor Champ slaps a hand against his face as Bojack storms off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this is my longest chapter yet! 
> 
> Boy bojack got real gay in this one fellas, I PROMISE they get together soon ;)


	9. You're At The Party - 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack is freshly out of rehab and has a panic attack when Mr. Peanutbutter throws a Halloween party at his house unannounced, so he calls Herb to calm him down.

_ Who  _ throws a Halloween party at the house of a recovered addict and alcoholic only a few months after he’s been released from rehab? Mr. fucking Peanutbutter  _ apparently _ . 

Bojack can’t even remember the conversation he had had with the labrador, but supposedly he had said something about Halloween that made him think that showing up with a bunch of party-goers and  _ tons  _ of alcohol to Bojack’s house  _ unannounced  _ was a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

Bojack would be wringing his furry neck right now if he wasn’t up to his withers with anxiety. Not to mention embarrassment, I mean, who doesn’t have a costume for his own Halloween party?

The party had arrived at his house around two hours ago and was now in full swing. At first, Bojack thought he might be able to weather the unexpected dive headfirst into his old vices. But as the night went on and on and  _ on _ , he found it harder and harder to deny his cravings. The thought of drinking again made him feel sick and ashamed, but he was unable to stop the lingering desire for a drink. And it would be  _ so easy to drink right now. _

His hands twitch and flutter from a nervous tic he’s had since he was a child, and he has to stuff them under his armpits and cross his arms to ground himself. His heart is beating so fast he feels like a hummingbird, and he briefly wishes he actually was one so that he could just fly away from this nightmare of a party and never look back.

The festivities are centrally located in his living room, and he does another of his multiple sweeps as he passes through the house to make sure that no one has brought drugs, or at least isn’t  _ openly  _ taking them. He also has to stop to ask a couple of partygoers to  _ please  _ put down his bust statue and stop playing keep-away with it, but he walks away from them fast enough that he’s sure they won’t listen.

Suddenly, an annoying voice carries across the room and over the booming music, “Hey hey! Is that Bojack Horseman!?”

_ Ugh. _

Bojack whips around to see none other than Mr. Peanutbutter himself in a hippie costume excitedly approaching him. He quickly tries to calculate his chances of getting away if he can successfully vault over the sofa and get out to the deck. But some D-bag in an alien costume he doesn’t even recognize blocks his path, and before he knows it the labrador has wrapped a strong arm around his shoulders, locking him in place with no escape.

“Hey Buddy! I missed seeing you around for the last few months! I heard you were at a resort or something?” He laughs and shakes his head, “Oh but who can remember!”

Bojack stiffens up and practically seethes, “I was in  _ rehab _ .” His voice dripping with as much venom as he could muster. Unfortunately, it flies right over the man’s head.

”Rehab!?  _ You _ ? Now I’ve heard everything!” He laughs again before his voice quickly takes on a concerned tone, “Although I do happen to recall a surprisingly large number of empty flasks around you when you were celebrating your win at the 1991 Animal’s Choice Awards. But I didn’t want to say anything. You were so upset!… for some reason.”

Bojack groaned at the memory, trying to repress his instinct to drink it away. As well as trying to ignore the way Mr. Peanutbutter swung his cup around as he talked, sloshing the no-doubt alcoholic drink everywhere.

Mr. Peanutbutter relaxes his arm around Bojack’s shoulders and leans closer to him, his voice softening, “But for real buddy, how  _ are  _ you doing?”

Bojack was briefly thrown off by the man’s concerned tone, and his desperate need for attention kicked in enough that he suddenly didn’t mind Mr. Peanutbutter’s presence  _ that  _ much, “Oh, well, it’s been kind of hard lately being between shooting seasons of Horsin Around, because without work I-”

“Erica! Where did you get the permit for that costume!” Mr. Peanutbutter pokes Bojack in the chest, “Hang on to that thought pal.” The next thing Bojack knew, he was alone, stranded in a sea of increasingly drunken party guests. 

And all at once, he was made severely aware of the suffocating scent of alcohol around him. On the breath of every guest, permeating every surface it got on and wafting through the hot air. It made him feel nauseous and dizzy, and his thoughts raced. He decides he needs a glass of water and weaves his way through the crowded living room. He moves on autopilot, barely noticing anyone around him anymore, and when he makes it to the kitchen he figures that it’s not worth it to dirty a glass, it is a party after all, and grabs a disposable cup. His hand goes directly to the bowl of cider, and he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing until he hears a sharp voice break through the roar in his ears.

“Oh don’t drink that, it’s spiked!”

He jumps and drops the ladle back into the punch bowl with a clatter, and turns to see a pink persian cat in a pilot’s costume standing next to him, looking worried.

“Huh? What?” He stutters, his mind still racing, and subconsciously embarrassed from being caught.

She takes the empty cup from his hand and walks past him to the sink, “You’re Bojack right? Just got out of rehab? You don’t want to drink the punch, it’s  _ really _ strong.” She takes it upon herself to fill his cup with water and places it carefully back into his shaky hands. Bojack looks down at his wobbly reflection and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath before downing the entire cup. He sighs and opens his eyes to see that the cat hadn’t left and was still watching him. He clears his throat.

“Thanks. Um, I feel like I know you?”

She laughs and extends her hand to him, “I’m your agent Marv’s intern, Princess Carolyn.”

“Oh right! Vigor hired you a little before I went into rehab.” He shakes her hand, “Sorry I didn’t recognize you. It’s been a crazy year.” He glances around at the raging party surrounding them and adds, “And a crazy day.”

She laughs again, nervously this time, “Yeah, I was wondering about that. Uh, I take it rehab didn’t really go well?”

He jumps to defend himself, waving his hands in front of him, “No no, it did! I’m totally sober now!”

“Oh? Then why hold a party like this?”

Bojack groaned and pressed his hand to his face, “I  _ didn’t _ , that stupid  _ hack _ Mr. Peanutbutter brought the party to  _ my  _ house with  _ no warning _ .”

Her eyes widen and she shakes her head, “Oh! That’s, not good…  _ Wow _ .”

He jumps forward frantically gesturing with his hands, “Exactly! That’s totally messed up, right? I’m not crazy? Cause this party is making me feel  _ crazy _ !” He shouts and earns a few heads turning in his direction from the rest of the party guests. He shrinks back down a little, “Sorry. It’s just, nice to know that  _ someone  _ at this party isn’t a total dickhead.”

“Haha yeah,” She rubs her arm and looks around, “Are you, gonna be okay here? Do you need me to help you?”

“What? No. God, you’re not even on the clock, just, have fun. Somebody should I guess.”

“Well is there anyone you can  _ call _ ? Like, uh, an AA sponsor, or a friend, or something?”

His eyes light up and he grabs her by the shoulders, making her yelp in surprise, “Yes! That’s a great idea! I’ll call Herb! Thank you Marv’s assistant!” He releases her and runs to his office, nearly barreling over a man dressed as a bunch of grapes on his way there.

She stumbles backward a little before righting herself and calls after him, “I’m actually his intern! And my name is Princess Carolyn!”

She hears his voice faintly carry across the party, “Thanks Marv’s intern!”

She sighs to herself, “Alright, I’ll take it.”

\---

The line rings for what feels like an eternity until Bojack can hear the sweet, sweet sound of the receiver being picked up, followed by Herb’s groggy voice through the phone, “Hmm, Bojack?” 

Bojack clutches the phone like it’s his lifeline and all his worries just come tumbling out of his mouth, “Herb! Herb, I need your help! Peanutbutter showed up at my house with tons of people in costumes with booze and I didn’t know about any of this and I feel sick and dizzy cause there’s so much alcohol here and so many people and I really want a drink and I don’t even have a costume so I feel like a dipshit and I’m freaking out and I just wanted to watch ‘Pretty Woman’ on CBS tonight but now it’s a Halloween party! Can you come over?”

There’s silence on the other end.

“Herb?”

“... Okay, BJ, Buddy, it’s like midnight. You know that right? Walk me through this one more time?”

Bojack groans loudly in annoyance, “There is a  _ huge  _ party going on at my house  _ right now _ . And I feel like I’m gonna  _ relapse _ , and I’m gonna  _ lose it. _ ” Herb sat up in bed, Bojack sounded extremely upset, like he was going to cry, his voice was tight and Herb could tell he was having trouble breathing.

“Okay okay, calm down! How did this happen again?”

“I- I don’t know, stupid Mr. Peanutbutter just showed up and there were just all these people, and they just  _ barged  _ in! Now there’s a full-on  _ rager  _ going on at my house and- and- and-”

Herb was out of bed now, “BJ. Take deep breaths.”

The horse does as he’s instructed but when he speaks again his voice is still just as strained and pleading, “Herb I’m not ready for this, I’m freaking out, I  _ need _ you. There is  _ so much _ alcohol here.”

Herb decides to ask one more question before he commits to putting his pants on, “Can’t you just ask them to leave?”

“Herb there’s like  _ sixty  _ people here,” Bojack says peeking out of the blinds at his deck, still swarming with party guests, “besides I don’t want to be a bad host.”

“Yes you do!” Herb shouts over the line in disbelief and Bojack winces, moving the receiver away from his head. Herb sighs, “Never mind, just don’t do anything, and I’ll be there in 30, alright?”

Bojack can hear the sound of the other man grabbing his keys and jumps up from his office couch, “Wait, Herb!”

“Yeah?”

“Can I still judge the costume contest?”

Herb pinches the bridge of his nose, “... Yes Bojack, you can still judge the costume contest.”

\---

Herb is pretty sure he broke some traffic laws on his way to Laurel Canyon, but that’s the farthest thing from his mind right now. After his phone call with Bojack, he turned the information he’d gleaned from their conversation over and over in his head, trying to make sense of it. 

Mr. Peanutbutter shows up at Bojack’s house with party guests and booze, tells him it’s a Halloween party, and just, takes over the recovering addict’s house? Herb never really thought much of the labrador, Bojack certainly hated him, but it wasn’t his fault he was cast in a rip-off of their show, and Herb generally tried to let things like that slide off his back. But now? If what Bojack told him was correct, he thought he might be able to find it somewhere in his heart to hate Mr. Peanutbutter just a little bit. And to blame him for anything bad that might happen to Bojack tonight.

Still, as Herb speeds down the 101 he can’t shake the aching fear in his gut that says if Bojack relapses tonight, it will be  _ his  _ fault for not getting there on time… 

He finally makes it to Bojack’s house and is shocked to see just how many cars are there, parked up and down the road, clogging the driveway, surrounding his house really, and wonders if Bojack might have been underestimating just how many people were here.

He pushes through the front door and nearly bumps into a small group of people, “Oh! I’m sorry, excuse me. Um, have any of you seen Bojack anywhere?”

A woman in a pumpkin costume cocks her head and thinks, “Hmm, last I saw him he was judging the costume contest in the garage, I think?”

“Oh? Thank-”

“Yeah, but then someone in a ‘Wayne’s World’ costume asked him if they could set up a beer pong game in his office, and if he wanted to play.”

Herb’s heart dropped, Oh no.”

“And  _ then  _ someone in a Scooby-Doo costume wanted him to do shots with them and their friends in the kitchen.”

A sick feeling was brewing in his stomach, “Oh god… ”

“But last I saw him was when a guy in a skeleton costume wanted him to play that game with him where you see how fast you can get drunk. I remember because he, like, freaked out and ran out onto the deck.”

Herb perked up a little, “Oh! Okay uh, thanks!”

\---

He walks around the pool twice until he finds him, hiding away in a remote corner of the deck alone. He’s sitting on a bench, bent over with his hands on his knees, and Herb can hear him gasping for air.

“BJ?”

Bojack turns around and chokes out, “Herb?” But doesn’t stop hyperventilating, gripping tight wads of fabric from his pajama bottoms into his fists. Herb closes the distance between them quickly, he’s seen Bojack upset before, but  _ never  _ like this. He places a hand on his shoulder and tries to steady him, “What’s wrong Buddy, are you okay?”

Wildly gesturing with his hands. “I don’t know. I- I don’t know, this is all too much, a-and it feels like, like someone is standing on my  _ throat _ .” He stands abruptly and looks up to the night sky, his eyes wide and terrified, “I can’t breathe Herb, I feel like- like.”

“Bojack.”

He brings his hands to this throat “I’m  _ drowning. _ ” He sounded on the verge of tears, and if he could manage to catch his breath Herb was sure he’d be crying.

_ “Bojack.”  _ Herb stands and manages to grab the larger man by the shoulders, turning Bojack to face him. He’s still gasping lightly but he’s looking at him now, and that’s something. Herb doesn’t know what but it’s  _ something. _

He squeezes Bojack’s shoulders and tries to sound confident and comforting, “Look at me. Look around you, there’s no alcohol here, there’s no drugs. You’re safe here with me, and I’m not going to let anything bad happen. Okay?”

Bojack took Herb’s advice and looked around the small area of his deck, it was true, no one else was here, they were separated from the party and any chance that Bojack might relapse. His breathing slowed and he closed his eyes to take a couple of deep breaths. Herb’s grip loosened but he didn’t remove his hands from the horse’s shoulders.

Bojack takes a deep breath and drags his hands down his face, “Okay, okay… Thank you Herb, I’m,“ he swallows thickly, ”I’m sorry I’m freaking out like this...”

Herb gently guides him back to the bench and rubs his back, “Don’t apologize, I get it, this is a lot all at once. Surrounding you with all these people, all this alcohol, so soon out of rehab, it would make anyone freak out.”

Bojack sighs, “Yeah, but, it’s not just that though. This party is just like the ones I used to throw before rehab. Actually, if I’m being honest its  _ much  _ tamer than those parties. I used to think if I filled the house with people, I wouldn’t feel so alone, and it never worked, but I kept doing it. And I would drink and snort and swallow all this shit to make me feel… anything but terrible, which is what I felt most of the time. This party… it reminds me of the horse I used to be. And I don’t wanna be him anymore.”

Herb lets his words sink in before he speaks, “You’re not. These days you actually remind me more of the horse I met back in ‘85 at the Laugh Shack.” He smiles, “You remember him?”

Bojack chuckles, “That kid? Yeah, I think so... He was a dork.”

Herb laughs, “Yeah maybe, but I liked him… Still do.”

Bojack glances at him and smiles, but when he notices the feeling of heat in his cheeks he looks away and clears his throat, “Thanks, again, for coming all the way down here so late just to calm me down, this night has been terrible.”

He frowns, and his eyes start to dart around as he reaches up to rub at the back of his neck. “This uh, is gonna sound weird but uh... ” He points at Herb, “And don’t make fun of me but, can I…. have a hug?”

Herb smiles warmly at him, “Oh BJ, of course buddy, come here.” He sits up to reach the taller man and wraps his arms around him.

Bojack returns the hug and squeezes him tight, but when the hug reaches its natural conclusion however, neither fully pulls back from the other, choosing instead to settle their arms around the other man’s waist, and they’re left with a comfortable silence surrounding them.

Bojack tilts his head to look at Herb at the same moment Herb turns to look at Bojack. Their eyes meet, and there is no hesitation when they close the gap between them with a kiss. Herb’s hand comes up to gently cup Bojack’s face and he can feel the horse relax deeper into it. The kiss is brief but sincere, and each man can feel the other smile into it.

When they finally break contact they’re both slightly breathless, the blush on their faces impossible to ignore.

Bojack chuckles despite himself, “I’ve wanted to do that for months...”

Herb laughs, “Maybe this night isn’t so bad after all?”

Suddenly, Bojack felt compelled to blurt out a question he’d been wanting to ask Herb for a while, “Hey, do you… want to go to the movies with me this weekend?”

Herb was taken aback for a second before he felt a warmth spread through his body. He tried not to let his excitement get the better of him, “Like a… date?”

Bojack nods, a nervous smile developing on his face, and Herb squeezes him just a little tighter, “Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Sure,” He pauses, “Can I ask  _ you  _ something?”

“What?”

“You wanna kiss again?”

Bojack could feel his chest swell a little, “ _ Please _ .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT! This chapter took forever to finish because of what I feel are obvious circumstances with the world right now. On a more personal note, my school has closed and I'm now finishing my senior year of college from home, which will be an even bigger challenge than it already was going to be, considering my family and how they are.
> 
> I'm of course still working on this fic, just slowly, and I'm jumping around to other chapters more than working in order, but still, progress is being made!
> 
> I hope you like this chapter! Took me a while obvs. The next chapter will feature a time skip to 1996 following Horsin Around's final season.
> 
> Oh, and the title of this chapter is based on the Lemon Demon song of the same name here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Itz55DWnYUs   
> (fun fact this chapter was originally going to be part of the relapse chapter, but I split them up into two!)


	10. The Audition - 1996

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horsin Around finishes production and Bojack and Herb start to optimistically adapt to their changing worlds, both professionally and personally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a long time what with the state of things, but I’m happy to finally have something to post! Thanks for hanging in there everybody! :)

After nine seasons, two Emmys, and the successful circumventing of a PR scandal concerning a certain horse attending rehab, the popular family sitcom Horsin Around ends comfortably in 1996. All the members of the cast were already slotted with tons of interviews and talk show guest spots following the announcement of the show’s cancellation. Everyone in Hollywood wanted to hear their take on the end of the ‘Horsin Around Era’ of television, and more importantly, what they were going to do  _ next _ .

Herb had been doing more interviews now than he’d done in the entire run of the show combined. People expected him to feel strongly about Horsin Around’s cancellation. And on some level he did, but in his opinion, the show had gone on for way longer than he would have liked, and it was high time for it to make a peaceful exit and make way for something new. (Hopefully not another knock-off though, he wasn’t sure he could keep Bojack from losing it if one of those popped up again.) More than anything he was grateful for the experience of working on the show for the last nine years, but he was excited to close this chapter of his life and move on to bigger and better things. 

Currently, he was happily clearing out his office, relieved that these were the last boxes he’d have to pack for a while. He’d seen more than enough of his share of cardboard in the last few weeks after finally selling his place in Malibu and moving in with Bojack in Laurel Canyon. 

They had decided to take the big step in their relationship after word had reached them about the show’s cancellation. It was an adjustment at first, but after a couple of weeks together they were confident it was the best decision they could’ve made. Now with the production of Horsin Around over, they had more breathing room in their relationship than they’d ever had, with the added benefit of more privacy together. 

The last few years trying to keep their relationship secret on Horsin Around had become a difficult strain on them. And if Herb’s being honest with himself, he’ll miss working with Bojack every day, but no more Horsin Around is going to make things  _ way  _ easier for them. With less of a chance of being caught on a daily basis, came away more freedom. No more “carpooling” to set together. No more of Herb buttoning his shirts all the way up to hide suspicious hickies. No more  _ constantly  _ having to be on guard and worrying and self-analyzing their behavior towards each other in public. Herb had been riding on such a high for the future in the past two weeks, and cleaning out his office was the cherry on top of a very optimistic sundae. 

He collects the last few items off his desk and arranges them in carefully the box. Grabbing a small frame with an old photo of Bojack in it he stops his packing to affectionately run his thumb down the picture, chuckling at how young the horse looks in it. It must have been taken nearly ten years ago at this point...

A sudden booming and rhythmic tapping which sounded more to Herb like artillery shells came suddenly from above him and shook the walls. He gently places the photo of Bojack into the box and takes a deep breath. 

_ “Hey Buddy! If tap dancing was gonna be a thing, it would have happened already!” _

\---

Bojack tries to make quick work of clearing out his dressing room. He lazily tosses his things into a box, his mind more preoccupied with him and Herb’s dinner plans that night and his appearance on Oprah tomorrow to put much thought into what he was doing. After all, there was a finite list of things he wanted to keep anyway. 

Fan letters and crayon drawing gifts? Check. 

His tasteful nude portrait? Check, already hung with care in his home office.

One of The Horse’s iconic sweaters which the network said was okay to keep? Check.

Old to current postcards from Charlotte? Check.

The telescope Herb gave him that day in Griffith Park when they first kissed? _ Check. _

Bojack flops onto the couch, taking a break from the  _ exhausting  _ work of throwing things into a box. He toys with the telescope in his hands and sighs fondly, these last few weeks living with Herb had been incredible. Just the thought that he’d get to wake up every day next to him was enough to keep the horse grounded in the whirlwind that was the last days of Horsin Around.

He had interviews packed into his schedule for weeks, and the job offers just kept flooding in. He doesn’t want to get ahead of himself, but he’s pretty sure he’s gonna be the next Jim Carrey.

His new cellphone starts ringing, pulling him out of his thoughts. He flips it open and holds it up to his head.

“Talk to me world.”

Marv’s voice echoes loudly through the phone, “Bojack goddamn Horseface, I’ve got news for you so good, you’ll goddamn kiss me.”

Bojack chuckled, “What is it Marv?”

“Secretariat! It’s back on, and Hollywood Pictures needs a lead ASAP.”

Bojack startled at the unexpected news, “W- what? But I thought it got stuck in turn-around? Also a quick question while I’ve got you, what does turn-around  _ mean _ ?”

“You don’t have to worry about any of that anymore, the point is, the picture’s live and they want you to come in for an audition!”

Bojack bounced on his heels excitedly, “Yes! I can’t believe this, thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Marv laughed on the other end, “Don’t thank me just yet Kid, but you nail this audition and you can forget about being just ‘The Horse from Horsin Around.’”

Bojack laughed politely and memorized the date and time Marv gave him. They said their goodbyes and when the line went dead Bojack let his arm fall to his side. As he looked around at the empty room he heard Marv’s words echo in his head.

_ Just the horse from Horsin Around. _

\---

It was Friday night and Bojack and Herb had decided to watch a movie to celebrate the fact that Horsin Around was officially done as of that afternoon (for them at least) when they finished filming the last few scenes. Herb was in the kitchen making popcorn, while Bojack flipped through the channels, eyes unfocused, not grasping anything he was seeing. Herb watched Bojack while he waited for the microwave and got worried when he realized that the horse had cycled through every channel three times without seeming to realize it.

He raised his voice slightly to help it carry into the living room, “BJ, are you okay? You seem a little distracted.”

Bojack started and shook his head, “Oh, yeah I’m fine, I guess I’m just nervous for my audition Monday.”

The microwave dinged and Herb removed the bag, dumping the hot, buttery contents into a bowl. “I’m sure it’ll go great! Oh and don’t forget we have the warp party for Horsin Around next week.”

Bojack started flipping through channels again, albeit slower. “Right, right...”

Herb placed the bowl of popcorn onto the coffee table and snuggled next to the horse on the sofa, eyeing him carefully.

“That’s not all you’re thinking about is it?”

Bojack sighed and laid down, settling his head onto Herb’s lap. “Herb, are you worried at all? That now that the show’s over everything’s gonna change?”

Herb chuckled and ran his fingers through the horse’s mane, “No BJ, I’m not worried. I think the future is bright.”

\---

The day had finally come. His audition for Secretariat was just minutes away as he waited in the hallway at the Hollywood Pictures office building. Bojack squirmed and fidgeted in his seat, anxiously awaiting his invitation into the room as he replayed his lines over and over in his head. Finally, the door into Micheal Lynxton’s office opened and a woman Bojack could only assume was a production assistant popped her head into the hall. 

“We’re ready for you Mr. Horseman.”

He stood and followed her into the room where he was greeted by Micheal Lynxton himself.

“Bojack, you know Kelsey Jannings, our director.”

Bojack smiled and extended his hand towards her, “I really appreciate you giving me this opportunity.”

She grunted in response and made no move to shake his hand so he awkwardly pulled it back. “Uh, Secretariat was kind of my hero as a kid.”

Her face remained unchanged, “Yeah he was a lot of people’s hero.”

Bojack bristled at that but tried to brush past it, “Yeah, well, you know, here was a guy who had everything-”

She glared at him, “Yeah, I know the story. I’m  _ the director _ .”

Lynxton put his hand on her arm and scolded her, “Kelsey, be nice.” He turned his attention back to Bojack, “Sorry, she’s just cranky because we’ve already seen 30 people audition for this role and we are just so goddamn sick of seeing auditions. So just, whenever you’re ready. Just jump right in.”

Bojack felt his confidence falter and hoped they couldn’t see it. As he sat down he flashed a smile, “Alright, let’s get down to it.”

The Production Assistant starts the camera and clears her throat. “Hey, ain’t you that horse who ran all them races?”

Bojack sits up straighter, “Not today ma’am. Today I’m just a customer, who wants a warm slice of pie.”

She continues her stilted reading, “Can I ask you a question? When you’re out there on that there race track, what are you running from?”

He sighs, “You want to know the truth? Nothing.”

“Everyone’s running from something Sugar.”

“No, I’m running from nothing. I’m terrified of nothing.” He uncrosses his arms as the weight of the script sinks into him. “People come up to me. They want my autograph. They want my picture. They think they recognize something in me. And I wanna be that person they think I am, but I’m not. They see greatness in me that they mistake for goodness.” 

He looks off into the distance far beyond the walls of the office and forgets where he is for a moment. “But I know there’s nothing there. And as fast as I run, I can’t get away from that.”

The room was still, Bojack refocuses his eyes and blinks a couple times, looking back in time to see Lynxton and Kelsey smiling at each other and he allowed himself to feel a small seed of hope unfurl in his chest.

The sharp ringing of the desk phone slices through the swelling energy in the room and undercuts Bojack’s hopefulness so abruptly he flinches. The production assistant was quick to answer it as Lynxton cleared his throat, “Wow, Bojack, I think I speak for everyone when I say-”

“ _ Oh my god _ . Jim Carrey said  _ yes _ !”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This section and the next were actually just one long chapter but it became too much for me to handle so I had to break them up.
> 
> I decided to keep Kelsey as the director because the Bojack wiki says that Kelsey may be based on real-life director Kathryn Ann Bigelow, who is 68 right now. So say Kelsey the same-ish age, then she'd be roughly 47 in 1998 for Secretariat. Bump that down to 37-ish and the timeline still makes sense to include her teenage daughter. 
> 
> I also decided that since I’m keeping Kelsey I better change the production company too so it’s not exactly the same as the show. Hollywood Pictures is a real company that in 1996 was headed by Michael Lynton and made movies that were in the same vein the Secretariat was originally imagined in.
> 
> Some more period notes: Jim Carrey was breaking into dramatic roles at the time. And cell phones were smaller by 1996 so the cell Bojack uses in this fic is not the same one he uses in the show.


	11. Afterwards - 1996

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack struggles with the news that Jim Carrey got the part for Secretariat instead of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sick of looking at his chapter so it's going up now. sorry if there's grammar or spelling errors but it should be readable

Bojack hadn’t left the house in days, and Herb was getting worried.

After losing his chance at playing Secretariat to Jim Carrey, the horse had fallen into a depressive spiral. Herb had helped Bojack through his episodes like this before, but he had never seen it as bad as this. He had canceled and flaked on the remainder of his interviews for the week, he wasn’t taking calls from Marv, and he was spending all his time on the couch watching TV.

When Herb came home to this exact same scene for the fourth day in a row, he decided it was time to intervene.

He walks into the living room and crosses his arms over the back of the sofa, “Hey Baby, how was your day?”

The horse doesn’t look up from the NordicTrack infomercial that is currently flashing action shots across the screen, but manages a weak shrug, “Fine I guess.”

Herb shifts his weight from one foot to the other and clears his throat, “Princess Carolyn called for Marv this morning before I left. She says that an offer came in for you for a part in a new sci-fi action movie about-”

“Pass.”

Herb pinches the bridge of his nose and resists the temptation to groan, “BJ, I know you’re bummed out about not getting Secretariat but-”

“ _ Bummed out? _ I’m goddamn miserable Herb!” Bojack spits at him as he sits up suddenly. ”Secretariat was all I ever wanted to do. And now it’s happening, and I won’t get to be a part of it because of  _ stupid  _ Jim Carrey.”

Herb sighs, “I  _ know  _ Baby, and I’m  _ sorry _ , but locking yourself away in the house and watching TV all the time isn’t healthy.”

Bojack winds himself up for more arguing but struggles to find a counterpoint to that and deflates, slumping over to lean on his knees. He sighs deeply and says nothing as Herb makes his way around the couch to sit next to him. He stays silent until he feels Herb snake an arm around his shoulders and pull his body against him, in a low whine he asks, “What if Horsin Around is all I’ll ever be known for?”

“BJ we’ve been over this, just because it’s what you’re known for  _ now _ doesn’t mean that that won’t change in the future. Besides you’ve got  _ tons  _ of other offers coming in, that’s gotta count for something right?”

“But what if they’re wrong and stupid and the truth is I suck?” Bojack huffs, crossing his arms and sulking.

Herb rolls his eyes, “You realize you’re being ridiculous right?”

“Honestly Herb, what if it’s true...? What if I’m not as good as everybody thinks I am, and I’m just some dumb sitcom actor who’s in over his head?”

“Hey, hey, the work you did on Horsin Around  _ was _ real acting. And, think about it like this, its gonna be a lot easier to go from comedy to drama than it would be to go the other way.”

Bojack was quiet for a moment and stared down at his lap.

“.... Do you remember what you told me about my acting back in ‘88?”

Herb chuckles as he pulls the horse closer, “Do I remember a single conversation we had eight years ago? Hmm, you’re gonna have to refresh my memory Hun.”

Bojack sighs, “It was when I invited my mom to a taping of the show. She called me a clown and I came to ask you if that was true.”

Herb’s frowns, “Oh… What did I say?”

“You said I was good at hitting my marks and saying my lines. And you told me that someday I’ll have to do  _ real _ acting, but that for the time being I shouldn’t worry. So the last nine years I acted on the show  _ wasn’t real  _ acting.” He glares at Herb and tightens his already crossed arms, “According to you.”

Herb’s eyes widen, “.... I said that?”

“Yeah.”

The smaller man grimaces and removes his arm from Bojack’s shoulder, struggling to find the right response. “I… I’m sorry Bojack, I don’t even remember saying that…” He averts his eyes to his own lap and rubs at his neck, “... How long have you been thinking about what I said?”

“..... Eight years”

Herb winces. “Oh BJ… Maybe, maybe what I said then may have been true- ”

Bojack whips his head up and fixes Herb with an incredibly hurt look.

Herb quickly waves his hands in front of him in defense, “At the time! At the time!” 

Bojack settles back down into the couch and he continues, “When I said that to you, we were still in our first season, we were all struggling with our new jobs, but that was  _ years _ ago. And I can say now, honestly, after all this time, that you  _ are  _ a  _ real  _ actor.”

Bojack didn’t look convinced. “Are you telling me that as my boyfriend or as my director?”

“I- … Both?”

Bojack groans and slides even farther down the couch. Herb reaches over to wrap an arm back around his shoulders, frowning. 

“You don’t believe me at all?”

“It’s not that it’s just… Everyone I know is always  _ telling  _ me how great I am but I can’t really trust any of them. Or you, because you love me. Or they’re my agent, or I work for their network.” He picks at a loose thread coming off his pants and continues to think out loud, “If only there was some way to know if I really  _ was  _ a good actor, like, if we got together an impartial group of people who didn’t know me at all. They could tell me what they really thought.”

Herb tries and fails to avoid smirking at him, “Like 51.3 million viewers globally? Or maybe a huge fan club dedicated to you, as an actor?”

“... Okay now you’re just being a dick.”

Herb laughs affectionately and pulls Bojack up out of his slumped position and into an embrace which the horse readily accepts and returns. He gently rubs small circles into the larger man’s back and hums, “Baby… I understand what you’re going through. You’re in a shitty spot right now, but the only way out is to keep moving forward. Right?”

Bojack sighed and rested his head on Herb’s shoulder, “I guess...”

“The Horsin Around wrap party is tomorrow night, promise me you’ll  _ try  _ to have a good time?”

Bojack rolls his eyes in dramatic mock annoyance, a smile subtly spreading on his muzzle “Ugh,  _ fine _ . If it’ll make you happy, I’ll  _ try _ .”

Herb chuckles and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.”

\---

The Horsin Around series wrap party was actually pretty baller. The network had spared no expense, and thankfully since three out of four of the main cast stars were still underaged, and the remaining one was a recovering alcoholic, there was a respectful limit put on the alcohol. Tons of old guest stars had shown up, along with numerous different network hotshots, and everyone was having a good time reminiscing about the show.

Around 9PM for probably the seventh time that night, an increasingly tipsy Herb tugged on Bojack’s suit jacket and pointed into the crowd of people, “Hey look, look, is that David Hasselhoff over there?”

Bojack squinted, “Oh yeah, I think so. Wasn’t he in season two?”

Herb nodded with a smile, “Uh-huh, one of our first guest stars. Remember what a kick Joelle got out of that?”

“Hey speaking of Joelle, you hear what she’s gonna do now?” Bojack asked as he sipped his soda.

“Yeah. Over to London for stage acting. Pretty bold move but I think she’ll do alright.”

“Brad’s going back to Seattle he said.”

Herb nodded slowly. “Yep... But hey, uh, Sara Lynn’s gonna be sticking around here in LA! She said she’s working on an album now.”

Bojack hummed. “Have you decided on what your next thing’s gonna be?”

The smaller man shook his head, “Nah, haven’t found something that feels like the right fit for me yet.”

Bojack jostled him gently by the shoulder, “You’ll find something, god knows any network would be lucky to have you.”

Herb laughed, “Alright charmer, how about you mingle? I’m gonna go get another drink.”

Herb made his way to the bar, Bojack found himself alone and wholly uninterested in starting a conversation with anyone near him. He could see the lights of cameras on the other side of the sitting area and started to try and inconspicuously inch his way somewhere else. Suddenly the shrill ringing of a cell phone cut through the general noise of the party. Multiple people reached for their pockets and Bojack laughed nervously as he realized it was his phone. 

“Oh, that’s me, everyone, sorry!” 

He finds a nice quiet alcove to slip into and brings the phone to his head.

“Hello?”

“Bojack, it’s Kelsey Jannings. I’ve got news about Secretariat.”

Bojack’s heart skipped a beat and he cleared his throat, “What’s up?”

She sighed, “Apparently he got into some kind of accident at the grand opening of the Museum of Latin American Art down in Long Beach. The clumsy bastard broke both ankles, and there’s no way he’ll be able to do all the running for Secretariat. We’ve got to find a new lead and you were the best other applicant, so if you’re still up for it-”

Bojack blurted out, “Yes!” Before he could stop himself.

Kelsey sighed, “Are you sure you’re ready for a picture like this? You’re gonna need to lose 10 pounds of fat and gain back 10 pounds of muscle.”

His other hand came up to grip at the phone, “I can do it, I’ll do anything for this role.”

“Listen Bojack, this is my first big film. So you better be on your best behavior. I’ll tell you right now, I’m not gonna put up with any woe-is-me bullshit or any diva histrionics. But if you wanna make this movie and you’re ready to work-”

Bojack stood from his seat, “I- I will, I can, I do! I promise Kelsey, this movie is as important to me as it is to you.”

“Good. Oh and Bojack?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t ever call this number, if I want to talk, I’ll call you.”

And with that, she hung up.

Bojack stood in place, still holding the receiver in his hand. The news slowly sunk in, and he grew a wide, giddy smile across his muzzle.

He whispered to himself, “I’m gonna play Secretariat.”

Then he lifted his head to the night sky and shouted, not caring who heard, “I’m gonna play  _ Secretariat _ !”

He pants lightly, his thoughts moving a mile a minute. He was more optimistic and excited for the future than he had been since he and Herb moved in together.

Herb.

Oh, he’s  _ gotta  _ tell Herb this.

\---

Herb was sitting alone at the bar twisting a business card in his hands when Bojack found him. The horse ran up to the smaller man and plopped onto the closest stool surprising him out of his thoughts. He shook his head and smiled up at him.

“Bojack! Where did you run off to?”

Bojack laughed. “Funny you say  _ run _ . Because you happen to be looking at the new star of Secretariat movie! Carrey had to drop out!” He explained proudly, puffing out his chest.

Herb’s eyes widened, and his expression lapsed into worry before he flashed a forced smile to the horse.

“Baby that’s incredible! I- I’m so proud of you!”

Bojack frowned and rubbed the back of his neck. That wasn’t really the reaction he had been hoping for. 

“Uh, you sure? Because you don’t look that enthused.”

Herb opens and closes his mouth a couple times, struggling to find the right words. 

“BJ...  _ sweetie. _ ”

Uh oh.

“Can we go talk somewhere private?”

\---

They end up leaving the party early and sitting quietly in the parking lot in Bojack’s Mercedes-Benz. Bojack waits for Herb to talk, he’s too anxious to say anything. Herb only calls him ‘sweetie’ like that when something’s wrong or he’s mad at him. He wasn’t sure what he could have done though...

Thankfully Herb takes a deep breath and finally speaks up. 

“BJ, I really am so so happy for you, that’s incredible news and I know how much you wanted this.” He reaches across the median and takes the horse’s hand. “And I know that you’re going to do a fantastic job playing Secretariat. It’s just… well...”

Herb digs into his pocket and pulls the business card back out.

“What is that?” Bojack asks.

Herb hesitates, “It’s a business card, that I got, from a guy I met at the wrap party.” 

“Okay… Who?”

“... Lorne Michaels.”

“Lorne Michaels?  _ NBC’s  _ Lorne Michaels?”

Herb smiles nervously, “Yeah. He, uh, he offered me a job, writing for SNL.”

Bojack made a face before he could stop himself.

“What's that for?” Herb whined, frowning and taking his hand back.

Bojack waved his hands around between them, “No no no, that’s cool! It’s just, their last season kinda stunk out loud...”

Herb perked up “Exactly! They’re hiring a lot of new staff for the next season, and they need new writers, and so he offered me this job,” He started to trail off, his expression reverting back to one of worry, “and, well, I think it could be a really great opportunity for me.” 

Bojack placed a hand on his shoulder, “Baby, that is amazing news!” 

Herb smiled but didn’t say anything, so Bojack gently pressed, “So... what’s the problem?”

His smile vanished. “They need me to relocate to New York.”

Bojack’s heart sank to the floor. 

“Oh.”

Herb sighed, “I know I can’t ask you to move with me, obviously, I mean you just got cast in  _ Secretariat  _ for god's sake! That's a huge deal for you! It’s just-”

Bojack cut in before he could finish, “Hey. If this job is important for you, I say do it.”

Herb looks at him, his eyes wide, “Yeah?”

“Totally! We can do the long-distance thing for a while. And as soon as filming for Secretariat ends, I can come up to New York to be with you!”

Herb smiled, “You would do that?”

“Are you kidding? New York is a great place to live if you’re rich and famous and insanely wealthy and are only there for a definite period of time.”

Herb chuckles, but still looks uncertain, “Are you sure? Cause we were just starting to get things  _ really  _ started in our relationship.”

Bojack shrugs, “Hey, we can do that from anywhere, and _I’m_ happy as long as _you’re_ happy.” He leans across the console and kisses Herb, when they separate he adds, “Besides, LA’s not going anywhere. Unless “The Big One” hits and creates a giant sinkhole and we all plummet into the earth. Wherein the population soon resorts to cannibalism and worshipping fire. But what are the chances of that happening?”

Herb laughs again and sighs, “This is a good idea, right? This isn’t stupid, what we’re doing?”

Bojack smiled at him and he started the car, “No, this feels like a good move. We can enjoy being together right now, I’ll film the Secretariat movie, and then we’ll be together again before we know it. There’s always later, right?”

Herb smiled back as they pulled out of the parking lot, “Yeah, I guess there is always later...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was a good move to break this chapter up, I got it done way quicker! might have to do the same with the next chapter too bc its getting pretty long.
> 
> Anyway! Next chapter features some classic bojack brand hijinks in New York!


	12. Secretariat: Starring Bojack Horseman - 1996

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack struggles to adapt to his new serious role as Secretariat and gets a little advice from Princess Carolyn. He also gets into some emotionally charged hijinks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all intents and purposes, pretend that PC already knows about BJ and Herb’s relationship here and moving forward in the fic. (I kind of forgot to write that in, maybe I’ll lampshade it later).

Starring in his dream project, depicting his childhood hero on the silver screen, at the height of his career...

And Bojack Horseman was currently hyperventilating in his trailer.

After his success in nabbing the role as Secretariat in the upcoming film about the life of the infamous racing star and his tragic death, Bojack had been dedicated to the new role and eager to finally start filming. That is until the filming actually started. Each flubbed line, each tone deaf scene, and each pointed look exchanged between a coworker and the director drove another nail through his heart and skyrocketed his anxieties. Kelsey was merciful enough to give everyone an early lunch, and Bojack used it to go straight to his trailer to try and relax. 

It was not working, and the voice in his head was eagerly chugging along.

_You can’t even do a simple line read correctly. You are gonna screw this whole operation up for everybody involved._

_They’re gonna fire you y’know, and replace you with someone who knows what they’re doing._

_Your mother was right all along, you aren’t an actor._

_You’re a joke._

He sits in his make up chair with his head between his knees, breathing deeply and desperately trying to slow his rapid heart rate. He feels like the walls of the trailer are closing in on him, he gets a sudden idea and starts blindly feeling around on the table for his cell phone. He shakily dials the number for Vigor, screwing up and starting over three times before he finally gets it right.

A familiar voice answers the phone on the first ring. “Vigor talent agency, Marv Sbarbori’s office, how can I help you?”

“P-Princess Carolyn? Is Marv in? I’m kind of freaking out right now… And I need to talk to him.” He says in a shaky voice.

“Bojack? I’m sorry, Marv just went into a meeting. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“O- Oh. Well it’s no big deal, really, I’m just having trouble getting in the, uh, character’s head, a- and I’m messing up all the scenes, _and I can’t do this_ , and I’m _freaking out_!”

“Okay Okay! Calm down, everything’s gonna be okay Bojack, it’s the first day of filming, you’ll find your groove soon enough.” She reassures him, already reaching for her bag as she talks.

He starts to have trouble breathing again. “But what if it _never_ comes? What if I can’t do this? I- I don’t, I _can’t-_ ”

She stands from her desk, “Hey. Hang in there, how about I come down to the studio?”

“R- really? But what about your job?” 

She waves her hand, “Ah, Marv won’t be out of that meeting for at least a few hours. He’s trying to get Sarah Michelle Gellar to do some kind of vampire show with WB. I can be down in 15 minutes. ”

“Okay... thank you Princess Carolyn.”

He hangs up and sighs, running his thumb over the buttons on his phone as he weighs the pros and cons of making another call. Suddenly, the phone rings in his hands, startling him so much he nearly falls out of his chair. He checks the caller ID and cringes, hitting the ignore button. After a moment of hesitation, he dials a number. It only rings twice before it’s answered.

“Hello?”

Bojack injects some pep into his voice to try and mask the recent panic attack. “Hey Herb! How uh, how’s it going?”

“BJ, Baby! It’s going good, I just got into work.” The never-ending cheerfulness of Herb’s voice wriggles it’s way right into Bojack’s heart, and he can start to feel himself calm down a little.

“You just got in? It’s already eleven, when does your day start?”

“At eight, which is what time it is right now. Don’t forget about the timezones Hun, I’m three hours ahead of you here.”

He rubs the back of his neck. “Oh, that’s right... Yeah, well I’m on lunch here and, just thought I’d give you a call, y’know. See what’s up”

“Is something the matter?”

“No no, nothings the matter! Everything’s going so great here. I just, miss you is all.” 

“Aww, I miss you too BJ. How’s filming going for Secretariat, Mr. Movie Star?”

There’s a knock at the door and Bojack jumps.“Uh, just a second!” He turns his attention back to his phone, “Listen Herb, I- I gotta go. This doesn’t replace our Sunday night call alright?”

Herb laughs. “I know, I know.”

Bojack smiles despite his nerves, “Alright, talk to you then... I love you.”

“I love you too BJ.”

Bojack hangs up and takes a deep breath, pressing the phone into his chest. He sets the phone down and opens the door to see the pink cat herself smiling at him.

“Hi Bojack!” She greets him, as enthusiastic as ever.

“Hey, Princess Carolyn.” 

He walks away from the door and flops back into his makeup chair as she lets herself in. She puts her bag on the floor and sits on the bench by the window, flooding her hands in front of her and flashing a smile to the horse. “So, what’s going on? Did somebody make fun of you behind your back? Do you think you maybe misinterpreted a comment someone made? You know I often find that a criticism, can actually be a compliment if you look at it the right way!”

Bojack is so confused he briefly forgets about his anxieties, “What?”

“You know, why are you so down on yourself?”

Bojack opens his mouth and responds before he even knows what he's about to say. 

“Because I'm terrible.”

She frowns, “What? No you're not, you’re Bojack Horseman!”

He snorts and looks away, crossing his arms. “Yeah well, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”

Princess Carolyn taps her finger to her lips and thinks. “Hmm, Something must have triggered these feelings. I know! Tell me about your day up until now, we’ll pinpoint exactly when you started doubting yourself.” She pulled out a pen and paper from her purse and clicks the pen expectantly, waiting for him to start.

Bojack was skeptical that any of this would help, but he decided to play along since it was just nice to have the company, “Uh, well, first I got here. And I said hello to some of my co-stars.”

She quickly scribbles on the paper, “Uh huh, uh huh. Anything happen then? Were they rude to you?”

He waves his hands in front of himself, “No, not at all, they’re actually really nice.”

She hums as she quickly takes notes. “Alright, so it’s not that… Keep going.”

“Well, then I made a little speech to the crew about how excited I was to make this movie with everyone... And then we started filming.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Uh huh." She looks up, "And how’d that go?”

He grimaces. “Shitty. The _first line_ , and I already started messing up.”

“Messing up how?”

“I just fell back into that campy over the top crap I used to do on Horsin Around, but this movie calls for drama and subtlety and I don’t think… I know how to do that...”

There’s a knock on the door followed by a voice, “Fifteen minutes for lunch Mr. Horseman!”

He groans and leans forward, covering his face with his hands. “What am I gonna do?”

Princess Carolyn looks down at her pad of paper, scribbling in the margins and worrying that she might have gone out of her depth as an assistant by coming here.

“... Would it make you feel better if I hung around the set for a while?”

He looks up at her, “”

He sighs and stands up. “Sure, why not?”

She gathers her things and stands with him. “That’s the spirit! And hey, now that you’ve had the chance to shake off the rust, I’m dure these next few takes will be much better.”

\---

Bojack and Princess Carolyn stood to the side, speechless as they watched the fire spread across the destroyed set. The crew frantically tried to put out the fire and scrambled to save what they could. It seems that there was a rather large cable twisting and turning across the set that people probably should have been warned about because a PA had tripped over it and caused a terrible domino effect that ended in the set being completely destroyed in the middle of Bojack’s 12th excruciatingly bad take.

Kelsey crosses her arms tightly across her chest and visibly tries not to lose her temper, “Alright. We’re gonna need a couple of days to rebuild the set. So, lets all just use this time to regroup, and really figure out what we’re doing,” She looks directly at Bojack “ _and why we’re here_.”

\---

Princess Carolyn watches Bojack stress smoke two cigarettes silently in the parking lot, but when he reaches for a third she speaks up, “Bojack maybe you should stop with all the smoking?”

He turns on her and snaps, “Hey. After I got out of rehab these were one of the only things I was allowed to have anymore that made me feel like I still had any shred of control over myself. And if I want to be lectured about my smoking, I’d do another round of those god awful D.A.R.E. appearances.”

She shrinks away from him and rubs at her arm, “Oh... I’m sorry I didn’t mean, it’s just a lot of smoke is all.”

He sighs and drops the second butt to the ground, stomping it out with his foot. “No, I’m sorry, it’s not your fault. I just, don’t know what to do about all this.”

She hikes her bag up on her shoulder, “Listen, I gotta get back to the office soon. Are you gonna be alright?”

He puts his hands in his pockets and shrugs as he gazes out onto the lot.

She’s running out of ways she can help but feels like she shouldn't leave unless shes sure he'll be alright. So she throws out the first thing that comes to her mind. 

“Maybe... you can take this time to relax a little. Go somewhere nice, like a spa or something, and try to enjoy yourself.” He stays quiet but his ears perk up a little as she talks, so she continues with this trail of thought. “Or, why don’t you go spend time with some of your loved ones?”

His eyes light up and he lifts his head. “Oh… Oh!” He turns around to look at her with an excited smile on his face, “That’s a great idea!”

She beams back at him, “I’m glad you think so, thank you!”

He rubs his chin and quickly looks around as he starts thinking, “If I go home now and pack… I could be there by tomorrow!” 

She looked away to dig into her bag for her Vespa keys, “Well you just have fun Champ. And hey, if you could tell Marv about today that’d be a big help for-” She looked up to see him already running off to his car.

He calls behind him, “Thanks for your help Princess Carolyn, I’ll see you on Monday!” 

She sighs, but still smiles “Yeah, okay.”

\---

Princess Carolyn hadn’t heard from Bojack since the accident on set yesterday, so imagine her surprise when she picks up the phone at work to the sound of him out of breath, indignant, and frantically asking her for help.

“Vigor talent agency, Marv Sbarbori’s office, how can I-”

“Princess Carolyn! It’s Bojack, I need you to hack into SNL’s employee database and find me any information there on a writer named Philip, then do more research and find me everything else you can on him so I can learn his weakness and _destroy_ his life from the inside out.”

“........ _What_?”

“ _Ugh!_ Come on PC I know I’m in a disgusting New York telephone booth but the sound quality can’t be _that_ bad.”

“You’re in _New York_?”

“Yes, _duh_. Did you find out his weaknesses yet? 

She waves her hand around in front of herself, “Wait wait wait, why are you calling from a payphone? I thought you had a cell phone?”

“I do, I just came in here for some privacy. Sidenote, the actual phone in here was ripped off the box.” He laughs, “New York is a dump. Anyway! Does Philip have any allergies? Because I feel like I could really use that to my advantage.”

“Phillip _who_?” She asks just a little too loud and shrinks away from the many eyes suddenly turned on her in the office.

“I don’t _know_ his last name, I just know that his first name is Phillip and that he’s a home-wrecking _bastard_!” He shouts into the phone and Princess Carolyn can distinctly hear the sound of him slapping his hand against the glass of the booth.

She struggles to work against the tidal wave of confusion that just washed over her. “Okay, there’s- you- I don’t even _know_ where to begin with this Bojack. First of all, I can’t _hack_ into anything, I’m not even sure that’s information I could _look up_ , especially without a last name.” 

He butts in. “He’s a goose if that helps.”

“ _It’s not._ Secondly, why are you trying to destroy this guy? And third, _why_ are you in New York?”

“Well, Kelsey said we’d need a couple days to wait for the set to be repaired.” 

“Yeah?” 

“So I hopped on a plane to New York so I could surprise Herb.”

“Well. that sounds sweet...” She had a bad feeling brewing in her stomach already and didn’t like where this was going.

“Yeah, it _would_ have been,” he barks into the receiver, “but when I got here I went straight to Rockefeller Center and what do I see? Herb and this “coworker” of his named Philip getting _awfully_ close with each other on the street.”

“What do you mean _close_?” She gasps, “Did they kiss?”

Bojack hesitates, “Well… no, they were just talking… But you don’t know Herb like I do! He was _really_ into the conversation. And get this, when they were done talking, they _hugged_ goodbye.”

“..... So?” 

“So!? Princess Carolyn, can’t you see what’s happening here? Herb found himself a new guy! A guy that _doesn’t_ live 3,000 miles away from him, and doesn’t break down over every little thing, and doesn’t struggle with substance abuse recovery.” His voice started to crack, “Why did I ever think I could do Secretariat? I should’ve just moved here with Herb. Now I’m gonna lose my dream role and ruin my career, and I won’t even have my boyfriend left when it’s all over!”

Princess Carolyn rubbed her eyes and put on her best motherly tone, “Oh Bojack…. That’s…" She sighs, "Do you _really_ think Herb is cheating on you?”

Bojack sniffed over the line, “Well, maybe not _cheating_ cheating… But- but emotional cheating! He _likes_ this guy, I can tell!”

“Okay so, _hypothetically_ if this all makes sense somehow and he actually _is_ cheating on you, what would you even do?”

“I… I don’t know… Cry I guess? Break up with him, maybe? I don’t know, I... didn’t think that far ahead.”

“So to clarify, you have a four-day weekend to be with Herb, and you’re currently utilizing that time spying on him with no real basis of suspicion, instead of _actually_ spending time with him.”

Bojack reaches to rub at the back of his neck, “... Well when you say it like that it sounds, kinda bad… ”

“Bojack, are you sure this isn’t just a ploy to try and push Herb away, because you’re afraid of losing him?”

“What? How does that make sense?”

She wedges the phone between her head and shoulder and leans back in her chair, pyramiding her fingers together, “Well, the way I see it, you’re completely stressed out from working on Secretariat, and you’re struggling with feelings of inadequacy. On top of that, your long term boyfriend moved across the country very suddenly. You’re afraid that your relationship with him is going to deteriorate because of the distance as well as your anxieties, and in an effort to avoid all that dragged out pain in the future, you’re subconsciously trying to push him away _now_ with a bogus accusation of unfaithfulness in a desperate bid to end it quickly.”

“.... Damn Oprah, where’d that come from?”

There’s a long beep on the line and Bojack groans, “Hang on I’m getting another call.”

He checks the caller ID and groans before ignoring it and returning to his conversation.

“Nevermind, it was nobody important.”

Princess Carolyn sighs, “Bojack listen, you want to snoop around New York all day and end up damaging your relationship with Herb? Be my guest. But if you want to spend the next few days with him, then come back to LA, I’ll be here to help you through Secretariat.”

“... Really?”

“You bet it. And when this movie’s done, I can see a spot on your shelf for an Oscar!”

“An Oscar? You really think so?”

“I _know_ so! So what do you say? You wanna be a professional?”

Bojack groans lightly and runs a hand down his face. He looks out the grimy telephone booth window and sees Herb and his coworker exit the Rockefeller Center together. 

“I'm… I gotta go talk to Herb first."

\---

Before he can overthink it anymore Bojack makes his way up the sidewalk and enters into the men's view and clears his throat loudly. Phillip’s eyes light up with recognition immediately and Bojack has to fight the urge to let his ego get distracted by that.

“Holy shit is that Bojack Horseman?”

Herb turns around and Bojack steels himself, just in case he was right all along about the relationship between the two men. But all that dissolves when he sees the way Herb’s eyes sparkle, and how that smile he’d missed so much spread across his face. 

“BJ!” Herb shouts in surprise as he rushes to embrace him. Bojack returns the hug warmly and can’t help but nuzzle into the smaller man’s shoulder as he presses his own face into Bojack’s chest. 

Herb pulls away to look at the horse, the same brilliant smile still on his face, “What are you doing here?”

Bojack hesitates and stutters, “I, uh, I came to see _you,_ duh!”

Herb beams at him. Then, Phillip slides up next to Herb and nudges him with his elbow, grinning, “Herb, aren’t you gonna introduce me to your famous Hollywood friend?”

Bojack forces a smile onto his face as Herb laughs and gestures between the two men. “Philip this is Bojack, Bojack this is Philip.” He looks up at the horse, “Phil and I work at SNL together, we’re both writers!”

“Wow. It is so, nice to meet you.” Bojack says through a tight smile, but neither man seems to notice as he shakes the goose’s hand.

Something seems to occur to Herb and he turns to Philip with a sheepish smile, “Oh I’m sorry Phil, now that BJ’s here, we’re gonna have to cancel our plans tonight.”

Bojack’s ears perk up and his eyes narrow, “Plans?”

Herb smacks him playfully in the chest as Philip explains, “Herb and I were gonna compare some of our skits tonight. But hey no worries, my wife will probably be happy to see me home before sunset,” He laughs, “besides my kids are probably gonna need help with their math homework again.”

Bojack just stood there, wide-eyed and horrified, wishing for nothing more than to go to a quiet room to be alone and bash his head against the wall.

Phil clapped a hand on Herb’s shoulder, “But hey, you two have fun together, I’ll see you at work Monday Herb!” And waved goodbye as he left.

“Take care!” Herb calls after him before turning his attention back to Bojack. He takes advantage of the semi-privacy of a New York street, where’ nobodies looking at anybody anyway, and leans up on his tiptoes to plant a kiss on the horse’s lips. Still all smiles when he pulls back he asks, “BJ, why didn’t you call?” 

“Uh, well, I kinda… didn’t think about that... Heh heh.” He rubs at the back of his neck, incredibly embarrassed by his actions for the last few hours entirely. “I didn’t think about a lot of things, I sort of just jumped on a plane when I heard we had all that time off. Sorry about that...”

Herb waves a hand dismissively, “Aw don’t worry about it. I’m just happy to see you!” He leans in for another hug wrapping his arms around Bojack’s neck. “I missed you!”

Bojack smiles and hugs him back tightly, “I missed you too Baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter reads alright, it's been hard getting in the right headspace lately.


	13. Beatrice - 1996

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack tries to enjoy his time in New York with Herb, until his mom calls.

In a few days, Bojack would be going back to LA to finish filming for Secretariat, but he was going to great lengths to keep that fact as far from his mind as possible. The night after his call with Princess Carolyn, he and Herb went back to Herb’s apartment and made dinner together while they caught up. They were riffing and carrying on like nothing was different, and for while they could pretend that it was. They were having a particularly spirited discussion about “pizza by the slice” when a muffled ringing carried from the bedroom over their conversation.

Herb looks in the direction of the noise, “What’s that?”

Bojack wipes his hands off on his apron, “Oh that’s my cell phone, I must’ve left it on the bed. I’ll be right back.

Bojack makes his way back to the room, pausing to stretch before he starts digging in his bag for the ringing phone. He finally finds it, and checking the caller ID, he wishes he hadn’t. But this is the third time she’s called, and he knows that she has all the time in the world to annoy him, so if he doesn’t pick up now she’ll just keep at it.

He sighs deeply and answers, “What do you want Mom?”

Her voice rolls through the speaker and makes Bojack wish he had just blocked the number. “Look who finally decides to pick up the phone.”

“Do you need more blood?”

“I don’t need blood... I heard your show got canceled.”

He sits down on the bed, “Last year, boy you’re really on the pulse you know that?”

She scoffs, “I never understood the appeal. It’s just a bunch of silly stories.”

He sits up straighter, ready to defend the show, “Well, maybe it’s not Ibsen, but a lot of people  _ like _ silly stories.”

“A lot of good they ever did me…” She sighs, “It would only depress me, watching you  _ bumble  _ around like that…  _ All  _ the sacrifices I made, for you to do  _ this. _ ”

There was a long period of silence before Bojack spoke up, “Well, it was great talking to you Mom. Tell Dad I said ‘hi’ I guess.”

“Oh, that’s right, a few minutes of conversation and it’s time for you to go! That’s the Hollywood way! God forbid you talk to your mother for longer than it takes to smoke a cigarette.”

Bojack groans and runs a hand down his face, “Yeah, believe it or not Mom I have things to do, so-”

“You’re going to be in a movie is that right?”

Oh. 

“Yeah, I’m starring in Secretariat.”

“That runner you were always yammering about when you were a child.”

“Yeah, that one.” He squeezes his eyes shut, his voice rising slightly as he tries to bluff against his own self-hatred. “I know you think I’m just some dumb sitcom actor, but it turns out,  _ I’m  _ good enough to get a role in a major film. I’m living my  _ dream _ .”

Beatrice takes on a mocking tone, “Oh, so you’re going to be in a little movie, and that makes everything  _ perfect  _ for you does it? You’re finally  _ happy  _ and  _ accomplished _ ?”

He opens his eyes, “W-what? Mom-”

She sighs again, cutting him off, “I don’t want to fight you Bojack. I just want to tell you know  _ I know _ . I know you want to be happy but you won’t be. And… I’m sorry for that.” 

His heart stops. “What?”

“It’s not just you, you know, your Father and I we- Well, you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside you. You were born broken, that’s your birthright. And now you can try to fix your life with your movies, and your TV shows, and your little stints in rehab. But it won’t make you whole. You’re Bojack Horseman. And there’s no cure for that.”

Bojack feels empty, hollowed out by her blunt and honest assessment. He says nothing because there’s nothing he could say.

“Anyway, do you remember who directed ‘The Philadelphia Story’? Five letters, second letter U.”

“... Lubitsch?”

She sighs, irritated, “No Bojack. Goodbye.”

The line goes dead. Bojack closes the phone and holds it in his lap. After a while he lies back onto the bed and stares at the ceiling, listening to the sounds from the street below, and of Herb still working in the kitchen. 

The voice crackles to life inside his head.

_ She’s right you know. Nothing like Mom’s old brutal honesty to put you in your place. _

He isn’t sure how much time has passed when he suddenly hears a gentle tapping on the door. He sits up to see Herb in the doorway of the dark room looking concerned.

“You alright BJ?”

He pushes himself off the bed and stands, still holding the phone he clears his throat, “Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Just, thinking about work is all.” 

Herb isn’t so easily pacified and makes no attempt to move from the doorway. “Who was on the phone?”

Bojack hesitates. “My Mom.”

Herb cringes, “Oh brother, what did she say?”

Bojack’s eyes trail to the floor and he just stands there. He can feel all the feelings he’s been repressing start to build up inside him, but he wills them down just enough to keep from crying. A technique he’d perfected as a teenager. Herb waits patiently, and when Bojack finally speaks his voice comes out so quiet Herb has to strain to hear him.

“I think I’m gonna quit Secretariat.”

He flinches as Herb shouts, “What!? Why would you do that?”

“Because I’m  _ awful. _ I’m not getting any of my scenes right, I’m completely screwing any tact or emotion I’m supposed to be expressing, and I can tell the director’s getting sick of giving me chances.”

Herb still stands bewildered in the doorway, he fans his hands out in front of himself. “Why didn’t you tell me you were having trouble?”

Bojack flops back down onto the bed. “I didn’t want you to worry...”

Herb frowns and joins him on the bed, resting a hand on the horse’s leg. “Oh BJ come on. I’m always going to worry about you.” His tone changes to be much sterner, “ _ But _ , I’d worry a lot less if you  _ told  _ me when you’re struggling with these things instead of bottling them up.”

_ Herb always knows what to say. Why can’t you be a good boyfriend like him? Why can’t you be  _ _ his _ _ rock? Why is it his job to always be comforting  _ _ you, _ _ you sorry sack of shit?  _

He takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the voice, “I just feel like this movie is my  _ one big shot _ , and if I blow this, I’ll never get anywhere in LA. And then I won’t even have my dream anymore.”

Herb is quiet for a minute and just looks at him. When he finally responds he says, “Well, that’s stupid.”

“What?! No it’s not!”

“Yes it is! You think this is the end-all-be-all of your career? Because it’s not.”

“But I want to make this work! And I don’t know how!” Bojack whines.

“Then you need to  _ ask for help _ .”

Bojack’s eyes widen before he turns his face away from the smaller man, embarrassed.

Herb places a hand on his back and continues, gentler this time, “You can’t keep doing this thing where you try to take on everything alone. You have people around who want to see you succeed just as much as you do. Me, Marv, your director, the 200 people working on this movie...”

“Princess Carolyn’s been a big help actually...” Bojack mumbles.

“Exactly! And with all that support, you can’t lose! You just can’t keep pushing everything down Baby.”

Bojack sighs, “I’ll try... It’s just, there’s this one scene that’s really giving me trouble.”

“Well, what’s the scene?”

“It’s from early in Secretariat’s career, when he was losing a bunch of races and he’s afraid he’s going to lose his scholarship. I’m supposed to act sad but I just, freeze up when we try to film it and act all goofy. I don’t know, what do you think?”

“On how to be sad?” Herb scrunches up his face as he thinks, “Uh, well, I’m not accustomed to dramatic projects like this, but maybe you can, tap into memories that you have where  _ you  _ were sad? You were pretty depressed yourself when you thought you weren’t gonna be in Secretariat. Do you have other memories like that that made you feel, I don’t know, empty and dejected?”

Bojack thinks for a minute and looks down at his hand, which was still gripping the small black phone. “Yeah, something like that…” He looks back up, “That’s actually good advice Herb, thank you.”

Herb brightens up, “Really?”

Bojack feels some warmth returning to his chest as he chuckles. “Yeah.” He leans over and wraps an arm around the smaller man, pulling him close and kissing him in his ticklish spot right below his ear, causing him to giggle. 

Herb leans into the hug and sighs. “Feeling a little better?”

Bojack nods. “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Herb chuckles and leans up to kiss him, “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's sad horse hours babey
> 
> next chapter time skips to Bojack starting his oscar campaign!


	14. The Road to Oscars - 1997

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack begins his campaign to win an Oscar, and gets an interesting phone call while he's doing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sick to death of working on and looking at this chapter, just take it as it is

A couple of months of filming and two more of editing later and Secretariat was officially ready to begin its film festival circuit, kicking off with an advanced critic’s screening in Los Angeles.

It was the first time Bojack had gotten to see the finished product and he was blown away with the result. Sure, the plot had ended up a little too feel-goody for his tastes, but what really stunned him was his own performance. It was one thing to act out the scenes on set, but to see himself blown up larger than life on that big screen, seeing the audience react in all the ways they were supposed to, clapping and cheering for  _ him  _ when it ended. It gave him a bit of a headrush.

The credits started rolling and it took him a moment to get his thoughts collected. “Wow… that was... Actually kind of amazing.”

He felt a hand clap him on the shoulder and turned to see Micheal Lynxton smiling at him as they brought up the lights in the theatre. “You said it Bojack, it’s a hell of a movie. And we’re doing the whole awards push! You should clear your schedule for the next year.”

Bojack’s eyes widened, “The next  _ year? _ ” He started laughing nervously, “But I thought, you know, you’d be done with me after the movie was finished. I mean, y- you guys have got it handled, what do you even need  _ me  _ for at this point?”

Lynxton shook his head and jostled him by the shoulder, “Are you kidding? You’re gonna be doing interviews, articles, guest spots, promos, a whole new “For your consideration” ad campaign, hobnobbing with all the elite award voters, the works! And at the end of it all...” He pauses for dramatic effect and presses himself shoulder to shoulder with Bojack, sweeping his hand across the air, “ _ Oscar _ .”

“Woah.” Bojack’s imagination started running wild on what his future would look like as a possible Oscar winner. So many more doors would open up for him. No one would ever think again that he was just some TV actor that they threw into a movie, not even him. He’d be a real  _ movie star. _

… He’d be in LA for another  _ year _ .

Bojack would like to try and tell himself that it was a tough decision to make, but it wasn’t. His eyes fixed themselves to a spot on the floor as Lynxton continued listing all the things that needed to be done in the next few months to ensure his winning an Oscar. He furrowed his brow and contemplated the best way he could break the news to Herb. The sooner he did it the better, or else it would eat him up inside. He needed to rip it off like a band-aid.

Lynxton noticed his unfocused expression and patted him on the back, breaking him out of his deep thought. “What’s the matter Kid? You nervous?”

Bojack shakes his head, “Oh um, no it’s not that I just uh, gotta make a phone call...” Bojack mutters.

Lynxton waves his hand, “Sure sure, go ahead, get your arrangements in order. Once you get back, I’ll introduce you to your new publicist!”

Bojack nods before slipping out of the room and into a lonely spot in the lobby. He sighs and dials Herb’s number, listening to the phone ring a few times before he can hear the click of the receiver being picked up. 

“Hello?”

Bojack swallows thickly, “Hey…”

“BJ! Hey Baby, what’s up?”

Herb’s bright, excited greeting made Bojack’s chest feel tight. “So... they did the first screening of the final cut for Secretariat today.”

“Oh, that’s great! So the movie’s completely finished then?” Bojack can hear the sounds of the other man washing dishes through the phone.

“Yep. Uh-huh… It’s done.”

“So when are you coming up to New York?”

He sighs, “Yeah, um, so here’s the thing...” 

“Oh?”

The sounds of dishwashing stop completely, and Bojack can hear the sadness edge it’s way into the man’s voice, it makes his chest feel that much tighter.

“The film festivals and promotions and stuff are gonna take a couple of weeks, but since there’s so much buzz around the movie, they want me to start working on my Oscar campaign now.”

“ _ Oscar campaign _ ?” Herb cries out in surprise, “Bojack that’s, incredible!”

He smiles but remains tense, “I know right? Like I didn’t even think about that as an option! But uh, yeah, they think I have a real shot at winning best actor and they hired me a publicist and everything so... so I’m gonna have to stay in LA for a little while longer… ”

Herb couldn’t keep the disappointment out of his voice, “Oh… For how long?”

Bojack’s voice got high and tight as he reached around to rub at the back of his neck, “Well... best case a couple months...”

“Uh-huh, and worst case?”

“... A year.”

Herb sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth, “That’s, wow. That’s a long time...”

“Yeah… I’m sorry Herb.”

He sighs, “It’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine _ ,  _ but it’s  _ fine _ , y’know? It’s just something that comes with the job, right? Honestly, we should have seen this coming.” His voice is soft and comforting despite his obvious disappointment, and it makes Bojack want nothing more than to hold him, only further deepening the painful reality of their conversation. 

Herb continues, “But hey, you supported me when I got my job here, the least I can do is support you for one more year.” He pauses. “You’re sure it's  _ one more  _ year right?”

“I think so?” Bojack scoffs, “I couldn’t imagine what the hell else I’d have to do for when this is all over. Like what, are they gonna do? Start a  _ third _ ad campaign?” Herb chuckles and Bojack starts to feel some of the tension of the call start to lift. He sighs, “I’m still really sorry Herb.”

“Hey, don’t be. This is amazing for you BJ, and I am  _ so  _ proud of you. And I  _ know _ that you are gonna win that oscar.”

Bojack snorts fondly, “How can you believe that? You haven’t even seen the movie yet.”

“Don’t have to.” Herb responds smugly. “I’m your boyfriend, of course I believe it.” 

Bojack smiles.

\---

“You’ve been trying to get this movie made since you were on “Horsin Around.” And things fell through a couple times before finally becoming a solid production. Did you  _ ever  _ think you’d be sitting here talking about Secretariat?”

“Sitting here? In this hotel room?”

His publicist clears her throat in warning, so he plasters on another tired smile.

“It’s a dream come true.”

He would go on to repeat that phrase like a mantra for every journalist and interviewer that came into the room that day. All asking him the same question, “what’s it like to play secretariat?” Well here’s the real answer, it was  _ exhausting. _

Not only did it take a couple of mild to severe breakdowns, one soul-shattering call from his mother, and many  _ many _ heart to hearts with his boyfriend for Bojack to even grasp that he could depict the role well. 

But Lynxton and Hollywood Pictures were basically breathing down his and Kelsey’s necks during the whole production to make sure that the dark, gritty, real-life story of Secretariat’s rise and fall was still family-friendly enough to make an optimized level of revenue.

Sure the end result was a movie that was actually  _ really  _ good, surprising even Bojack. But he can’t help but wonder why he had to do  _ so many _ interviews about it. Couldn’t people just watch it themselves and make their own opinions? Maybe then he wouldn’t be whittling away all his time in New York on dumb interviews instead of spending time with Herb.

Instead, all day it was, “What was it like to play Secretariat?” 

And if it wasn’t that, people were  _ still  _ trying to talk to him about Horsin Around. At least one woman shook it up a little and asked him how long he was in the city for. He responded with a dry travel plan that would lead him from New York to Chicago with days full of the same fun fun interviews he was doing here. Followed by a colorful quip about blowing his brains out that  _ he  _ felt came off as charmingly self-deprecating, but was ultimately shut down by his publicist 

As well as any sarcasm. Which unfortunately limited Bojack’s natural response options.

Bojack was only going to be in New York for a couple of days, so he crammed as much time into his schedule packed full of stupid bullshit as he could to spend some time with Herb. He had begrudgingly agreed to sleep in his hotel room for the duration of the trip to avoid suspicion, but he still managed to sneak away from his publicist now and again. 

That day he had slipped away for lunch, meeting Herb at a cafe in Manhattan. They had just gotten their food when Herb turned the conversation to asking about the campaign.

“So! How was your first big day at the press junket?”

“Endless.” Bojack groans around a mouthful of an Italian sub. He swallows quickly so he can continue complaining, “Being a movie star is the hardest job in the world, and we get  _ no  _ recognition for it!”

Herb smiles politely and decides not to engage with him on that one, “I’m hearing lots of good things about the movie.”

Bojack snorts, “You’d better, they’ve got me doing more interviews for the next few weeks. By next month they want me starting on the film festival circuit. Uh, excluding Cannes.”

Herb cocks an eyebrow at him, “Because of that thing you said in ‘92?”

He gestures with his cup sloshing the ice and soda inside as he talks, “Hey, I stand by my critique of Sartre, his philosophical arguments helped many tyrannical regimes justify overt cruelty.” He pauses to take a sip of the drink, “Also the french are smelly and I hate them.”

Herb smirks and stabs at his ceasar salad, “Well at least you can still do Sundance and POFF.”

“POFF? What’s that?”

“The Pacific Ocean Film Festival, it’s the biggest underwater film festival in the world. How do you  _ not  _ know that?”

Bojack squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head, “Underwater? Ugh, no I am definitely  _ not _ going to that one. They’re just gonna have to send Kelsey. I haven’t been underwater since my mother tried to drown me in the tub when I was 22. ”

Herb nearly chokes on his lettuce, “She  _ what _ ?”

\---

It was around 8 o'clock that night when Bojack’s cell phone rang, he slapped his hand around on the side table, not wanting to take his eyes off the CBS Sunday night movie he was watching, which was in fact “Mars Attacks.” He finally found the phone in his blind grasping and brought it his ear.

“Hello?”

A disarmingly controlled woman’s voice cooed over the line at him, “Ah, Why if it isn’t Mr. Bojack Horseman, exactly the horse I was looking for. I was wondering if I might ask you a few questions? It won’t take too long, I assure you.”

He groans, and contemplates telling the woman off for calling with interview questions so late, and that she can contact Marv tomorrow if she wants to talk to him. But he thinks better of it for the sake of coming off as  _ friendly _ like his publicist asked him to. “Yeah, fine, but make it quick.”

She hums, “I understand you’ve taken  _ multiple  _ trips to New York City in the past few months since beginning work on the filming of Secretariat?”

Fear struck his heart like an icy knife, and if it was at all biologically possible, he was sure that the color would have drained from his face. His mind starts racing. Had he and Herb been too careless? Did somebody finally take notice to how close they had become in the last few years? Oh of  _ course _ somebody did. How did they ever make it this far in the first place? How did they ever think that they could keep their relationship hidden at all? Wait, shit, she’s still waiting for a response. 

_ Say something idiot! _

He swallows the thick lump that had formed in his throat. “Um, yes, yeah that is true.”

“And yet, there are so few details and photos of your little trips published anywhere. Almost like you were  _ avoiding  _ paparazzi…” She pauses, and Bojack can faintly hear the sound of papers being shuffled around. “I also understand your  _ best friend _ and the former director slash showrunner of “Horsin Around”, Herb Kazzaz, is currently  _ living  _ in New York?”

_ Oh god oh fuck. _

“Yes, yes he does.”

“One would almost think you were traveling to the city so often for a reason, a very particular, private,  _ personal  _ reason.”

His heart was beating out of his chest, and he could feel his composition start to buckle like Carol Yager’s chair. He struggles to keep the shakiness out of his voice, “U- uh, and what reason do you think that might be?”

Suddenly her voice raises to a boisterous shout, “ _ I  _ think it’s because  _ you  _ know business, show business that is! You were a beloved sitcom actor for nine years, now you’re a box-office smash-hit of a movie star, practically guaranteed to win awards. What’s next for Bojack Horseman? I think you already  _ know  _ what’s next. THEATRE!”

He winces and pulls the phone away from his ear, struggling to process the mood whiplash he just experienced. “W- what? Theatre?”

“Exactly! Why else would you be taking trips from LA to New York so often? Is it because you  _ enjoy  _ being crammed into a stuffy metal tube with dozens of other strangers for six hours? NO! It’s because you were scoping out your next project, and let me tell  _ you _ , your next project should be with  _ me.  _ Betty Lauren, at the Soho Repertory Theatre in New York!”

“Theatre…” He rolls the word around on his tongue. He’d never imagined himself on an actual stage, doing live acting, with no safety net of reshoots. “But… That’s what real actors do.”

She snorts, “Oof, I’ve heard  _ that  _ one before. Listen Kid, if you win that Oscar everyone’s been talkin’ about, you’ll basically get a free ticket to do whatever you  _ want _ . And when that happens,  _ I  _ just want you to keep us in mind.”

“I’ll…. Think about it.”

\---

To Bojack’s credit he did, in fact, think about it. He thought about it so hard that he talked himself into a self-deprecating spiral that ended with him fully refusing to think about it anymore. Which would have been fine by him, except that he wanted to tell Herb about the phone call, but in a way in which he wouldn’t feel responsible for having given up on it already.

He was leaving for Chicago with his publicist the next day and was having dinner at Herb’s apartment. As he psyched himself up to bring it up he avoided eye contact with the other man, pretending that whatever Seinfeld was up to was more interesting and important than their conversation. 

“Soooo, a lady called me today, about uh, about a job. Here. In the city. Of New York.”

“Really? Doing what?”

“Oh, you know... theatre.” He tries to laugh it off, rubbing the back of his neck as he talked. “Can you believe that?”

“Wow, look at you BJ! That sounds great.”

“Yeah, maybe, I don’t know, I’m probably not gonna do it anyways.”

Herb opened his mouth to protest but paused and shut it. Opting instead to just look at Bojack until he could get some consistent eye contact. He knew the horse could feel his stare and after a couple seconds of silence, he turned his head to look at him nervously out the corner of his eye. Herb crossed his arms and tried not to sound  _ too  _ judgmental of Bojack’s behavior, “Why not?”

“Well, we don't know what is gonna be like when this whole thing is over. I could have better offers in a few months.”

Herb tightens his arms across his chest, a nagging feeling of anxiety wriggling into him, “In New York?”

Bojack hesitates, “I’m- I just don’t want to  _ commit  _ to anything yet.”

Herb sighs, “I’m not  _ asking _ you to commit to anything. I just don’t  _ get  _ it, this sounds like a great opportunity for you.”

“Sure, on the outside, but come on Herb,  _ theatre _ ? That’s what  _ real  _ actors do.”

Herb gave him a look that said ‘did you really just say that about yourself?’ 

“BJ...”

Bojack waves his hand in the air, embarrassed, “Yeah, yeah I heard it when I said it…” He sighs. “I’m just… There’s been so much pressure from the oscar campaign… I don’t think I’m ready to take on any more thoughts about the future.”

“Okay okay, so don’t, just focus on your campaign. For now, just promise me you’ll think about it?”

He sighs, wondering why people want him to  _ think _ so much these days. “Alright, I’ll think about it.”

Herb narrows his eyes, “That better be a  _ real  _ ‘I’ll think about it’, mister.”

Bojack rolls his eyes, “Yes, it’s real.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The SoHo Rep is a real theatre in NY and will show up again in this fic. Carol Yager was the fattest woman on record and she died in 94 so BJ probably had knowledge about her at this time. 
> 
> Betty Lauren from SoHo Rep is partially based off Paige but she probably won't be showing up again.
> 
> As always thank you for reading and thank you for your comments! Sorry if I haven't responded to some yet, I'm a college senior and it's finals time so you can imagine the stress I'm under lol.
> 
> The next chapter will feature the Oscar nominations!


	15. The Happiest Day of My Life - 1998

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The oscar campaign is over and Bojack learns whether or not he was nominated for best actor.

Herb flops back onto the bed and sighs, “It is  _ so  _ nice to be back in LA. Even if it’s just for a few days to hear your nomination.”

Bojack turns away from the TV and stops biting his nails to look at the other man from his anxious perch on the edge of the bed, “Why? What’s so good about LA?”

“Uh, for one it’s not freezing fucking cold.” Herb props himself up on his elbows and grins at the horse, “Get ready for that once you win this damn thing and come up there with me. Do you even  _ own  _ a heavy coat? Do they even  _ sell  _ those around here?”

Bojack shrugs. “How should I know? I’ve never even seen snow.”

Herb laughed as he pushed himself up to sit properly, “Wow. You’re really gonna be in for it then. Alright, put buying a coat on the list of things you need to do after you win.”

Bojack cringed and turned back to the TV. “Don’t talk like that. We don’t even know if I’m nominated yet.”

The other man waves his hand dismissively, “Oh come  _ on _ BJ. Of course you are, everyone already knew you’d be nominated since before the movie even came out. Including  _ you  _ at one point, if I’m not mistaken.”

The horse scoffed as the announcer took the stage, “Yeah well losing all those other awards didn’t exactly boost my confidence.”

Herb rolled his eyes, “BJ we’ve been over this, just because Leonard Maltin liked “Titanic” better than “Secretariat” doesn’t mean  _ anything _ .” He scoots up to sit next to Bojack, who sighs and turns to him as the nominations start being read.

“Herb, best case scenario, I get nominated and win. Worst case scenario, I don’t even get nominated. Probable case scenario? I get nominated and I  _ don’t  _ win.” He gestures with his hands, “I just don’t want to get my hopes up so high, that when I inevitably fall, it’s from a low enough height that I retain the use of my legs.”

Neither one of them notices what category the show is in until they hear it.

“Bojack Horseman for Secretariat.”

The words slap him like a brick in the face, and practically send him into shock.

There it was. There  _ he _ was. Wedged between Mitt Dermon and Durstin Hofflemon. An Oscar nomination for  _ best actor. _ Him. Bojack Horseman.  _ Oscar nominee _ .

He feels his boyfriend’s arms wrap around him and his brain scrambles to catch up with what’s happening. A smile spreads across his face and he can hear Herb laughing in excitement.

“BJ! You just got nominated for an Oscar!” 

He chuckles softly, still grappling with the news, “Yeah... Woah.”

Herb pulls away from the embrace and looks up at the horse with a smile, “You are an Oscar nominee! How do you feel?”

Bojack stands up proudly and puffs his chest out. He chuckles, “I feel...l- I- feel…. “ His shoulders slump and he feels the fleeting sense of any emotion quickly slip out of his body, “I feel the same...”

Herb’s eyebrows knit together, “Huh?”

Bojack starts pacing the room as the other man looks on, worried. “It happened again! Why do I do this? Why do I keep thinking things will make me happy? What is  _ wrong  _ with me?”

As the horse passes him, Herb grabs ahold of the sleeve of his bathrobe and tugs him back to sit down onto the bed. “Bojack, there’s nothing wrong with you.”

He stares at the carpet and balls his hands into fists at his sides. Herb recognizes that he’s breathing in the shaky way he does when he’s about to start hyperventilating. 

“I don’t think I deserve this…Herb I am  _ not _ a best actor.”

Herb frowns at him, “That’s bullshit BJ. They wouldn’t have chosen you if they didn’t think you were Oscar nominee material, right?”

Bojack just groaned and flopped onto his back. 

The smaller man patted his leg reassuringly, “How about you just relax, and I’ll go get you a glass of water, alright big guy?”

He grunted as Herb stood from the bed, chuckling as he walked out the door, “If this is you after the nomination I’d hate to see you after you win.”

Bojack laughed nervously as he stared at the ceiling, his hands clutching desperately at the fabric of his bathrobe.

\---

When they called his name at the ceremony a month later he didn’t even register it. It took Herb jostling his arm to snap him out of the fog around him, and he realized that it really _was_ his face on that big screen up above the stage. His legs somehow felt shaky and heavy at the same time but he managed to take his body up to the podium without making an ass out of himself. Smiling and waving despite his actual feelings, or lack thereof, was second nature to him at this point.

The statue was heavier than he’d imagined. And it made a small ‘thunk’ sound when he placed it on the stand and looked out into the dark cheering crowd. He knows there are familiar faces surrounding him but they all just turn into one dark mass and a near-deafening roar of applause. 

He had practiced his speech with his publicist about a thousand times beforehand and delivers it perfectly. Hitting all the points, he goes from thank yous, with a special but not suspicious sounding emphasis on Herb, all the way to telling a short anecdote about his childhood that subtly stuck it to his parents (if they happened to be watching) while staying lighthearted and vague enough to make the audience laugh.

Next thing he knew, he was back in his seat, and they were introducing the nominees for best supporting animal. He stares at the back of the seat in front of him, his hands lying limply in his lap. He knows that Herb is staring at him but he is unable to meet his gaze, certain that if he did he would burst into tears... for totally normal reasons. He can hear the other man quietly whispering his name and turns away in response.

Herb silently puts his hand on Bojack’s arm and gives it a squeeze. For the rest of the ceremony, Bojack doesn’t look at Herb, and Herb’s hand doesn’t move.

\---

The drive back home from the Oscars was uncomfortably quiet. The kind of quiet that occurs after your boyfriend seems to, for some reason you can’t understand, completely emotionally shut down after winning the highest accolade in the acting world. While Herb drove, Bojack stared out the window in deep thought, his brow furrowed and a vice grip on his new trophy.

Herb twisted his hands over the steering wheel anxiously as he drove, trying to think of the best way he could break the silence without coming off as a worrywart. He knew how cagey and defensive Bojack could get when someone shows concern for him. They came to a red light and he took his chance, clearing his throat.

“BJ? Baby? Do you… want to talk?”

“About what?” Came the horse’s gruff reply. “I won an  _ Oscar  _ tonight. It’s the best goddamn day of my life.”

Herb grimaces. “Ah… You don’t seem very happy though.”

Bojack was quiet for so long Herb thought he just wasn’t going to respond. But instead, he sighed and turned to look straight ahead, still not willing to make eye contact.

“Do you know what I thought? When I was standing on that stage holding my Oscar? I looked down at the statue and thought, ‘This is what I’ve always wanted. This is what I’ve worked so hard for, what my whole career has been leading up to. This is supposed to be the happiest moment of my life.’ And I… I never felt so miserable.”

“… why?”

Bojack didn’t respond at all this time.

\---

When they got back to the house Bojack went into the living room and sat down on the couch as Herb stood by the stairs. 

“Are you… Coming to bed BJ?”

Bojack gripped the Oscar in one hand and rubbed the back of his neck with the other. “You go, I’m just gonna... Watch TV for a while. Maybe have a smoke.”

Herb pursed his lips like wanted to say something more, but instead he just nodded. “Alright...” 

He went to bed without another word and Bojack sighed heavily, dropping the oscar down on the coffee table with a ‘thunk.’ He leaned his head back onto the couch and stared at the ceiling, trying to process the night. Suddenly the phone rang, startling him from his thoughts. He jerked upright and shook off his surprise before he grabbed the phone from the side table.

“Hello?”

“Bojack!” It was Princess Carolyn, it was always Princess Carolyn. Bojack half thought she might be pulling a “Weekend at Bernie’s” type situation with Marv’s body since she seemed to be the one handling all the work these days. She sang over the line, “First of all, congratulations! I always knew you could do it buddy! What an amazing night, you’re movie is a huge success, everybody loves you, you just won an  _ Oscar _ !” She laughs, “If you couldn’t be happy tonight then maybe you’ll never be happy again.” 

He winces, “Is that supposed to be encouraging? Because it’s  _ super  _ bleak.”

“Anyway, not to interrupt your big night, but The SoHo Repertory Theatre called back about you doing that play in New York and-”

He cuts her off, “I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“What!? Why?”

“It doesn’t matter,  _ none  _ of it matters.”

She stutters trying to make sense of the mood whiplash their conversation just took, “Bojack… You- I don’t- What happened tonight?”

He sighs, “I gotta go.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor bj just can't catch a break! I almost feel bad because fic-wise, the hardest parts of his life are occurring right now in the late 90's.
> 
> Bojack's post-Oscars depression is based off both his golden globe win and the cuddlywhiskers speech from Bojack Kills.
> 
> The next chapter features another classic Bojack depression, but with a silver lining at the end!
> 
> (again, thank you all so much for your kind comments! sorry I'm not responding rn I'm just gonna be swamped for like 2 more weeks till school is over!)


	16. Bojack Horseman is Dead and Living in New York - 1998

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack and Herb are living together in New York in the months following Bojack’s Oscar win and instead of things going well, this horse is de-pressed.

Bojack carried around his oscar for  _ a month _ before Herb finally got it away from him. It took the smaller man threatening to duct tape it to the ceiling to get the horse to leave it alone. But the actual oscar was  _ the least  _ of his worries. 

Bojack seemingly had no ambitions or desires anymore. He hadn’t worked since he won his Oscar, and actively avoided any interaction with his agent, or  _ anyone  _ in the business for that matter. Very little got him excited anymore. He spent all his time either watching TV, sleeping, or eating. And as guilty as it made Herb to feel this way while his boyfriend was obviously in the throes of a severe depression, but Bojack was  _ annoying,  _ and the complaining. Never. Stopped. 

Herb tried to understand what Bojack was going through, he really did, but he struggled with it. It didn’t help that Bojack was naturally unwilling to talk about his feelings, depression or not. And as the days stretched into weeks and then months, Herb could feel his ability to connect with Bojack slipping. 

He tried to get him outside as much as possible, but it would take hours of begging and end with him having to practically drag the horse out of the apartment. Herb thought he had seen the worst of Bojack’s mental health during rehab, or when he thought he’d lost the lead role in Secretariat, or even when he struggled with his acting abilities while filming the movie. But this was somehow much worse. 

Especially since Herb couldn’t  _ fathom  _ what was wrong.

Through Herb’s perspective, all the hardships his boyfriend had faced to get where he was should have added up to an inspiring underdog-type story. All the struggles he went through should make him feel all the more accomplished when he won his Oscar. But after that night, Bojack had changed. Herb hoped that he would gradually get better if given time and support like he had in the past, but as time went on he found there was little he could continue to do for the horse.

It was Wednesday night, and Herb was sitting in his office, spinning a pen between his fingers and pretending he was getting work done. He can hear the phone ring in the living room but doesn’t think much of it, that is until it continues to ring and ring and  _ ring _ . He hears the prerecorded message of the answering machine kick on and frowns, leaning away from his computer and straining to listen. But there is only silence after the beep, quickly followed by the phone ringing  _ again _ . He groans and raises his voice to help it carry across the apartment. 

“Bojack, could you get that  _ please _ ?” 

In the living room, Bojack rolls his eyes, annoyed that his daytime TV was being interrupted. And strains to push himself into a seated position while balancing the bowl of Cheetos in his lap. He snatches the phone off its base and grunts into it. 

“What?”

The peppy voice of Princess Carolyn jumps through the receiver at him, “Bojack! How’s my boss’s favorite client?”

“Hello Princess Carolyn...” Comes Bojack’s half-hearted greeting. Already starting to plan how he can lead this conversation into ending as quickly as possible.

She politely ignores the tone of his response, “I thought you’d like to know that Marv and I have got some more offers in for you. There’s movies, television, commercials, endorsements, theatre, all happening out of New York! What do ya say?”

“Eh, I don’t know PC, I’m not really interested in anything right now...” He starts to drift from the call and focuses more on the TV in front of him than their conversation. “Besides, I’m still decompressing from my last job.”

She scoffs, “Secretariat was two years ago Boj! Come on, you won that Oscar you were after, now you’ve gotta strike while the iron's hot!”

“If Secretariat was two years ago, how's the iron  _ still  _ hot?” 

Bojack can see Herb enter the room out of the corner of his eye. He can also see that he is pretending to seem not interested in his phone call, despite the fact that he totally is.

“That’s just how hot you are buddy! Tons of people still want to work with you, I’m getting some  _ very _ interested messages from playwrights up there. On-Broadway, Off-Broadway, touring, you can name your interest Bojack!” She sounds nervous, “Just so long as you still  _ have  _ interests… Of any kind?”

Bojack notices the nonchalant look Herb is giving him and sighs, rubbing at his temples. “Listen… why don’t you fax me over some of the best ones and I’ll... take a look.”

“Yes! I’ll get right on it Bojack, you won’t regret this!”

“Well, I already do, but I appreciate your enthusiasm.” 

He hangs the phone up and leans back on the couch with his arms crossed, almost pouting as he waits for what he knows will come. In a few seconds, he is proven right, and Herb is at the side of the couch, hopefulness and expectancy written across his face as he clears his throat.

“Well?”

Bojack snorts, “You heard. She’s sending me over some stuff.”

The other man smiles and opens his mouth to say something before closing it again, he cocks his head in confusion. “She? That wasn’t Marv?”

“No, it was Princess Carolyn.”

“Oh, hmm...”

Bojack wants to let it go, since he’s annoyed he has to put the effort into pretending to think about work now. But his curiosity gets the better of him. 

“What?”

Herb shrugs, “I don’t know it’s just, I feel like recently you’ve been doing more business with her than with Marv. I mean, what does Marv even  _ do  _ these days?”

Bojack hums and rubs at the back of his neck, “Well, Marv’s getting up there in age. Maybe it’s for the best, PC will be an agent someday, right? Maybe I can be her client then. Besides she's so  _ peppy _ .”

Herb nods with a smile, but doesn’t move. Bojack shifts uncomfortably under his gaze and looks back at him again, “What?”

“You…  _ Are  _ gonna look over that stuff, right?”

Bojack rolls his eyes and grabs a handful of his snack, “Yes,  _ Herb _ .”

\---

Days later, and Bojack had not even taken a passing glance at the jobs Princess Carolyn had sent him. They sat in a pile next to the fax machine gathering dust in much the same way Herb was gaining impatience with Bojack.

After over a week with no movement being taken on Bojack’s end, Herb was beginning to prepare himself for one of his classic “Get Bojack to Stop” talks. But what he didn’t plan on was Bojack accidentally answering the phone that night he planned to confront him. The horse was distracted by a rerun of M.A.S.H. that he swore he’d never seen but Herb knew for a fact he had. He swiped the phone from its base and held it to his ear.

“Yeah? Hello?”

Princess Carolyn strained cheerfulness carried over the phone, “Bojack! So good to hear your voice buddy! Especially since you never called me back about those offers I sent to you.” She laughed nervously.

Bojack jumped off the couch and quickly turned away from Herb, trying to conceal the conversation from him regardless of the fact the smaller man could obviously tell what was going on. 

“Oh shit, hey PC. Uh, yeah, sorry about that. I’ve been really busy lately and uh-”

She cuts in, her patience waning as much as anyone else's. “Listen, there’s this great theatre in SoHo that keeps calling me. They’re producing an Off-Broadway play called “The Country Club”. The script is amazing and they need someone to play the charming ex-boyfriend. The writer is  _ really  _ interested in working with you. Maybe you can give him a call?” There’s a pleading edge to her voice, but Bojack ignores it with a scoff. Somehow managing to be narcissistic despite his months-long depression.

“Off-broadway? Princess Carolyn, I'm an  _ Oscar-winning _ actor and movie star, I think I’m a little above-” 

He is cut off suddenly by Herb stomping over and reaching up to snatch the phone right out of his hand, ignoring the shock on the horse’s face.

“Princess Carolyn, whatever it is, he’ll do it.” 

“Herb!” Bojack shouted.

He ignored him and continued, “Thank you for all the hard work you did to put this together. Fax us the info as soon as you can alright? Take care.” He hung up the phone and took a deep breath before he turned back to Bojack, who was still reeling over what just happened.

“Okay, Bojack, before you get mad-”

“I can’t believe you!”

“BJ-”

“What the hell gives you the right to do that?” 

Herb straightened up to defend himself, “I made an executive decision!”

Bojack glares at him, “You are  _ not  _ an executive!” 

“Fine. Then I made a ‘my boyfriend is a depressed wreck and  _ somebody  _ has to make a decision’ decision.” 

“Why are you so hung up on me working again? It’s not like any of it matters!” He was fuming.

Herb was taken aback slightly, “What?”

Bojack gestured wildly in the air with his hands, “This. All of this. Acting, showbusiness, Oscars. It’s meaningless, it’s all meaningless!” He starts to pace around the living room. “I thought winning an Oscar would make me happy but I was wrong. I starred in a hit movie about my childhood hero and it didn’t make me happy. If you’d of told me when I was a kid that someday I’d win  _ an Oscar  _ for playing  _ Secretariat _ , I’d never have believed you. But now I’ve done it, and…” He trailed off and stared into the carpet.

Herb walked toward him but stopped short of touching him in case of another outburst, “BJ...”

“I’ve peaked haven’t I...? My dream has been fulfilled, so… So what do I do now?” His voice starts to crack, and tears prick at the corners of his eyes. “I don’t  _ know  _ what to do. Am I doomed? Are you doomed? Are we all just  _ doomed? _ ” 

Herb reaches out and presses his hands into the larger man’s back, “Oh... Bojack, no. No one is doomed, j-just calm down.”

The horse and buries as much of his face in his hands as he can. “I don’t know how to  _ be  _ Herb. It isn’t getting better and it isn’t getting easier.”

Herb was quiet for a long time before he spoke, his voice came out just above a whisper and Bojack had to strain to hear it. He turned around and cocks an eyebrow at the smaller man.

“What?”

Herb shakes his head, “BJ, I can’t, I-I don’t... “ He takes a deep breath. “I don’t have the answers for you. And I can’t keep pretending that everything is gonna be okay.” He crosses his arms across his chest and hugs tightly to steady himself, and looks up at the horse, “I have been your  _ rock  _ for the last six years Bojack, but there’s... there’s a  _ limit  _ to what I can do for you. Telling you I love you, and that you’re good enough, and that everything’s gonna be okay… it just isn’t cutting it anymore obviously.”

Bojack frowned and put his hands on Herb’s shoulders as he watched tears begin to pool in the other man’s eyes, “Herb, I- it's not your job to save me...”

Herb sniffled and shook his head, “Then why do you always make me feel like it is?” 

Bojack’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to figure out what to say, but nothing came.

Herb took a deep breath and wiped at his eyes, “I’m not a therapist BJ. I don’t know how I can help you without sacrificing more of myself.” He reaches out and grasps Bojack’s hands between his, “But I love you,  _ so much _ . And I need you to remember that when I say… I think you need professional help.”

That triggered Bojack’s flight response and he recoiled from Herb, “I- I don’t  _ need  _ help. And I don't  _ want  _ help. What I want is to be in control of myself, and my happiness, and my emotions.”

“You didn’t want to go to rehab at first either and that turned out alright.” 

Bojack crossed his arms and averted his eyes from his boyfriend. His mind raced with excuses but each one he thought up was more ridiculous than the last. He hears Herb take a step closer and feels his warm hands on his arm.

“BJ, I don't like seeing you like this...”

Bojack snorts, “Then why are you here?” 

He instantly regrets saying that. He hoped it would come off as lighthearted and teasing but it landed like a brick and made him want to crawl into a hole in the ground and die. Herb was not easily phased thankfully and sighed. 

“I’m here, because I love you. And you can’t keep living like this, and  _ I _ can’t keep living like this. You need help whether you admit it to yourself or not.” He reaches for Bojack’s face and when the horse feels his light pulling, he allows Herb to guide his head back around to meet his firm gaze. 

“BJ. I know you better than anyone. You’re a stubborn asshole who doesn’t give a shit about himself. But  _ I  _ do, and if you care about  _ me _ … you’ll do this.”

Bojack groans heavily and rubs at his face. After a long moment he huffs, “...Fine.”

Herb smiles and wipes his eyes once more before wrapping his arms around the horse’s neck. Nuzzling deep into his chest when he feels Bojack’s arms tightly encircle him. He leans up to plant a kiss on the horse’s cheek, humming lightly as he did. 

“I thought so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theres references to a couple different Bojack scenes in this chapter, I'm sure you can guess em lol.
> 
> The play PC talks about is a real life play called The Country Club which premiered in September 1999 (and actually stars Amy Sedaris herself!)
> 
> IMPORTANT: Soooo, the next few chapters are becoming very difficult to write, they cover herb n bj being outed and I'm not sure how I want to progress in that department. so just be prepared for an outline or a loose draft maybe instead of a full chapter.


	17. Meet The Kazzaz's - 1999

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack and Herb make a visit to Herb's family in New York before they head back to LA.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aljdfhshl this one took a long time huh? For a while I was worried that people wouldn't like me making up characters for the fic, but I couldn't tell the story the way I wanted to without them.. so I said fuck it and wrote the chapter anyway! I hope you all like it!
> 
> (and in case anyone was wondering, this bitch graduated magna cum laude with a degree in illustration yesterday y'all ;)

**Winter - 1999**

Bojack had been seeing a therapist for over a year now, and he and Herb’s relationship was thriving. Not only that, but his career was thriving as well. The play Princess Carolyn had gotten him a part in was getting great reviews, and one paper had even lauded their ability to get “Oscar winner Bojack Horseman” for their little off-broadway theatre. It took Herb roughly ten days to get the horse’s ego under control after that, but he was happy to see Bojack smiling nonetheless.

They never planned to be in New York forever, and they had already planned their return to LA for the end of the year. But Bojack had to say he was surprised how quickly Herb was willing to go back to California. Well, maybe not  _ that  _ surprised, especially after the weather started to change. Bojack got to see snow for the first time in his life and immediately got sick of it. As well as getting sick of Herb’s teasing that he was a ‘thin-skinned west coast boy’. 

He tried to prove that he wasn’t as thin-skinned as Herb claimed, despite the fact that he clearly was, and went as far as to wager that he could go all the way to the neighborhood bodega without a jacket, easy.  _ That _ petty little excursion ended with the Bojack pouting on the couch for two weeks with a cold. Luckily, Herb assured him that he was a “benevolent boyfriend” and promised he would tease him 36% less than he had from then on.

Today they were taking a trip to the deli on 33rd for lunch, and Bojack was happily prattling on about his day at the theatre.

“And so I  _ told  _ Amy, ‘If you want to play Froggy as the party girl who’s always looking for the next party, fine. But how about instead you try and play her more like a party girl who’s  _ afraid  _ of when the party will  _ end _ ?’ And you know what she said to that?”

Herb tightens his coat against the cold as they wait for the light to change. “Hmm?”

He lifted his head up proudly, “She said, ‘Wow Bojack, that’s really good advice!”

“Hmmm.” Herb looked straight ahead, lost in thought and Bojack frowned at him. He’d been acting strangely for a couple of days now, but not listening to his anecdotes was the final straw for the needy horse.

Bojack furrowed his brow at the other man, “What’s up with you lately? You’ve been acting super weird.”

“Hmm? Oh! Uh, nothing. Its nothing.” He says shaking his head.

The horse rolled his eyes, “Yeah that sure sounds convincing,” He nudges the him with his elbow, “Come on, spill it.”

Herb grimaces, “Well, my… family, asked me to come visit for the holidays.”

Bojack perked up, “Oh! That sounds cool, when?”

“That sounds cool?” Herb scoffed, “Since when do you ever want to do anything that included the word ‘family?’”

“No not with  _ my _ family sure, but I’d like to meet  _ yours _ . Besides, isn’t that something you’re supposed to do in a relationship?”

Herb’s gaze shifts around the street nervously, trying to avoid eye contact “Oh, I don’t know… I’m probably not even gonna go... Plus, it probably conflicts with our schedules, right?” He tries to laugh it off, “You don’t want to meet my family anyways.”

Bojack shook the smaller man by the shoulder, “Are you kidding me? I totally want to meet your family! We can make time.”

Herb stops in his tracks and sighs heavily. Turning to face Bojack he presses his palms together. “Let me put it another way,  _ I _ don’t want you to meet my family.”

Bojack’s face fell, “Oh….”

He patted the horse on the arm. “Look it’s not you, it’s them.  _ Trust me _ , you don’t want to meet.”

Bojack frowned, “Okay, sure… but, have  _ you  _ at least visited since you’ve been here?”

“I have to visit just cause I’m in New York?” He replied curtly, slipping an irritated edge into his voice.

Bojack rubbed the back of his neck with his gloved hand. “No… it’s just, you’ve been back in the city for three years now so why not-”

The smaller man whipped around to face him, “Why do you care so much about what  _ I  _ do concerning  _ my  _ family? I never ask why you don’t go visit  _ your  _ shitty parents, do I?”

Bojack raised his hands in defense, his eyes widening, “Woah, I didn’t, I’m sorry I..”

Herb shakes his head and grimaces, “No, no I’m so sorry BJ. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that...”

They stood on the sidewalk in silence for a moment before Bojack spoke again, gently this time. “Listen, Herb, I don’t want to make you do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

There’s a pause and Herb crosses his arms, “ _ But _ ?”

“ _ But,  _ we’re going back to LA in a month and a half. And this might be the last chance you’ll get to see them, and I’ll get to meet them, for a  _ while.”  _ The implication that this chance may very well be their last  _ forever  _ hung heavily in the air. Herb tightens his arms across his chest and sighs, bringing one hand up to rub at his eyes.

“... just,  _ one  _ day?”

Bojack smiles hopefully, “Just one day. A couple of hours tops.”

He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, “Yeah?” 

“Totally, a quick hi-and-bye.”

“Okay.”

“Some greeting and some eating.” 

Herb starts to crack a smile, “I get it.”

“A little ‘Oh Herb, who’s your friend? He’s  _ very  _ handsome.’”

Herb laughs, “They  _ know  _ who you are BJ. You starred in my TV show, remember?” 

Bojack brings a hand to his chin and hums, “Hmm, maybe vaguely.” He laughs as they reach their destination and holds the door open for the other man, “Your family is gonna  _ love _ me.”

“Alright, alright...” Herb chuckles nervously as he enters the building, “Let’s hope so...”

\---

Herb was wound tighter than a drum during the entire drive out to Queens from their apartment Brooklyn. Once they got closer to Herb’s Mom’s house Bojack adjusts his scarf a little and clears his throat. “So uh, who’s going to be at this thing anyway?”

Herb presses himself deeper into his seat, “Hmm, my Mom definitely. And if my siblings all show up it’s gonna be my older brother Samed, my older sister Melanie and  _ maybe  _ her husband David,” His face twists into a look of disgust and he points at Bojack, “side note, he’s a  _ dirtbag  _ and I hate him. Then its just my little sister Rhubarb.”

“Wow, big family.” 

Herb cocked an eyebrow at him, “Is it?”

“To me it is! Growing up, life as an only child could get pretty lonely. I always wanted brothers, touch football on the weekends, noogie parades on the reg.”

Herb smirked, the first instance of something like a smile he’d made all day. “Truly spoken like a man who has no siblings.”

Bojack rolls his eyes, “ _ Anyway _ , what’s your family like?”

He shrugs. “Mmm, your typical Italian-American family I guess. Expect a lot of yelling, that’s just how we communicate.” He waves his hand around, “Well, Pop was actually Turkish but he’s not around anymore.” 

Bojack cocks his head, “Huh, I didn’t know you were Turkish.”

Herb snorts, “Kazzaz sounds like a WASP name to you?”

“Alright, is it just “Make Fun of Bojack Day?” The horse complains.

The other man sneers and crosses his arms, “Don’t worry, there'll be plenty of for me to soak up from them when we get there.” Herb fumes as the bad memories and emotions are dredged up. “Sami and my sisters were idolized by my parents, even though they’re always screwing shit up, while  _ I’m  _ the asshole nobody likes.” He sighs, “They made my life miserable, and then they never forgave me for leaving.” 

Bojack nods solemnly, “I get that. My mom still complains that I don’t talk to her enough even though she spent my  _ entire  _ childhood telling me to leave her the hell alone.”

Herb fidgets with the buttons on his coat sadly, “Pop and I were always so close. And when he died, I think they held it against me that I took it so hard, y’know?” He reaches his hand across the median and touches Bojack’s arm, “Promise you won’t leave me alone up there? I need you as a buffer.”

He nods, “You got it, Babe.” He cleared his throat again, “So what’s the, y’know,” Bojack rubs the steering wheel with his thumb nervously, “What’s the  _ dialogue  _ we’re creating here? When they ask about me?”

Herb shrugs weakly, “Nothing special, I’m in the city for SNL, and you just so happen to be in the city to work on your play. So I wanted my family to meet my best friend of the last 15 years.”

They pull up to a small white and blue rowhouse and park on the street. Herb looks out the window and sighs, “That’s us.” As Bojack goes to get out Herb quickly grabs his arm to stop him and gives him a stern yet pleading look. “Just a couple hours, right?”

Bojack laughs and nods, “A couple hours.” He leans over to give the other man a kiss before they go inside. But Herb jumps back from him before his lips can land. 

“BJ, don’t do that here! Are you crazy?” Herb hisses at him as he gets out of the car. Bojack frowns a little as they make their way to the front door, rubbing his hands together nervously. The smaller man grabs a hold of the doorknob and walks right inside, knocking on the frame as he does.

“Hello?”

The telltale signs of occupancy ring throughout the house, with the noises and smells of someone working in the kitchen, and the sound of a television running daytime TV. Bojack spots a woman looking to be in her late thirties, with long wavy hair the same color as Herb’s lift a glass of wine into the air in greeting from the couch. “Hey.” 

Herb puts his hands on his hips, “Mel, I haven’t been home in six years. Can’t you at least get up from the couch to say hello to your brother?”

She takes a  _ long  _ sip of her wine, not taking her eyes off the TV as she does. When she finally finishes she sighs loudly. “No.”

Herb crosses his arms and sneers at her, “How’s David?”

Her head whips around and she fixes Herb with a venomous stare, “ _ Shut up Herbie. _ ”

A nasally woman’s voice carries loudly from the kitchen, “That Herbie?”

“Get in here and see for yourself!” Melanie shouts from the couch, making Bojack wince.

An older antelope woman enters the living room, drying her hands off on her apron as she does. She stops dead in her tracks when she sees the two men and plants her hands on her hips in the same way Herb does, almost making Bojack giggle. Until he sees the way she glares at them, and how Herb shies away from her stare. 

“Hi Ma...” Herb squeaks out.

She juts out her chin at him, “Oh, look who  _ finally  _ showed up.” 

Herb frowns and turns to look at the grandfather clock in the foyer, “You said be here at four, it’s 3:45!”

She shakes her head, making the little baubles tied between her antlers jingle. “ _ Six years late _ !” she snaps at him, before turning around and storming back into the kitchen, mumbling something about “the nerve of that boy”.

He sighs and drags a hand down his face. Bojack puts his hand on the smaller man’s shoulder and whispers to him, “You alright?” 

He shakes his head, “Maybe this was a mistake...”

Bojack was about to suggest they leave, but suddenly a young heavy-set antelope, looking to be in her late twenties stomps down the stairs, “What the hell’s Ma yelling about now?”

Herb manages a weak smile, “Hey Barb.”

She stops and puts both her hands on the railings. Her face is blank as she stares Herb down, save for a slight lifting of her eyebrows, in surprise that he’d actually showed up. She turns to look at Bojack and her expression changes to one of high scrutinization as she gives him a slow once over. After a minute she hums and crosses her arms. 

“Hey Herbie. Who’s this one?”

Herb wrinkles his nose at her and frowns, gesturing to Bojack, “This is my friend Bojack. Bojack, this is my little sister Rhubarb”

She huffs lightly, “You stayin’ for dinner?”

He opens his mouth to say something but gets cut off by a shout from the kitchen.

“Herbie  _ still  _ here?”

Both sisters reply with a synchronized, “Yeah!”

The sound of a wooden spoon hitting Formica sounds from the doorway, “That’s a record!”

A tense silence takes over the room and Bojack fidgets nervously as Herb pinches the bridge of his nose. “It’s uh, nice to meet you all.” He chuckles, “I didn’t even know Herb  _ had  _ siblings before last week.”

Herb cringed at that and opens his mouth to say something. Suddenly an older looking male antelope wearing a Knicks jersey came in from the hall behind him and slapped him hard on the back.

“What, are you ashamed of us you putz?”

Herb grunts in pain and annoyance as he shakes off the man’s hand, “No Sami.”

The antelope looks over Herb at Bojack and his eyebrows shoot up. “Holy shit, is that the horse from Horsin Around?”

Bojack can’t help but chuckle nervously again and Herb groans, “Sami, I  _ told  _ you Bojack was coming with.”

“Ah you know me, Herbie, I stop listening to you after two minutes, tops.” He nudges Herb in the ribs with his elbow, and by the looks of it pretty hard too because Herb winces and rubs at his side as his brother breezes past him to Bojack.

“Hah, it’s uh, nice to uh...meet you, Sami.” Bojack extended his hand to the man, but it’s ignored in favor of Sami producing a digital camera from a drawer and throwing his arm around Bojack’s neck for a picture. 

He laughs as he takes the photo, “A real movie star, in our house! What the hell are you doing all the way up here from Hollywood?”

Bojack rubs at his eyes from the sudden flash and smiles weakly, “Uh, w- well I was in the city to do some theatre work, and uh, Herb invited me to dinner.”

He turns to his sister on the couch and points at Bojack, “Hey Mel! It’s Bojack Horseman!”

“I seen him Sami.” She says before taking another long sip of her wine.

So far Bojack was getting really confusing vibes.

\---

Herb had warned Bojack about the standard of volume in the house before they got there. And based on Herb’s reception by his family, the horse expected the night to end in a fight of some sort; as was the custom with his own parents. So it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. But the dinner had dissolved into a slew of shouting and arguing much faster than either man had anticipated.

Herb’s mom swung the cigarette she lit directly after they said grace in front of her, “You ran off and abandoned your family in their hour of need!”

Herb nearly jump out of his seat in outrage, “Okay, first of all, Pop died  _ years  _ before I left! And second of all, I didn’t “run-off”, I was nineteen and I moved out!!“

Melanie snorted, “Yeah, all the way across the country.”

Herbs’ mother holds a hand against her chest dramatically and to her credit actually looks kind of sad, which Bojack can tell is affects Herb by how guilty he looks all of a sudden.

“For six years you didn’t come home.” Her expression morphs into a sneer, “Why don’t you make like The Pearl and blow!”

“Why don’t you get mad at Sami for never moving out! He’s forty-two!” Herb shouted exasperatedly.

Samed slams his hand on the table, making it shake. “Hey fuck off Herbie!”

Their mom gasps, “How dare you! You know  _ damn  _ well his leg’s still sore from his accident at the Queen’s Auto.“

Rhubarb scoffs and rolls her eyes, “Yeah, he’s gonna need his strength if he’s gonna be a wide receiver for NYU.”

“He didn’t get into NYU.” Herb groans.

Melanie rolls her eyes and glares at Herb, “Hey, here’s a thought, why don’t you just go back to LA and your fancy Hollywood friends, and keep being a California big shot. Instead of coming up here and judging us.”

Herb makes an incredibly hurt face and stands fully from his seat, “Mel! You  _ asked _ me to come here!”

“Oh here we go, Little Herbie thinks the world revolves around him.” She shakes her head, “Too good for your family huh?”

“I do not think I’m too good for my family!” Herb shouts, looking like he’s on the verge of either crying or pulling his hair out in frustration. 

Bojack steps in front of Herb, “You guys have got it all wrong Herb’s not some big shot.” 

He can feel the smaller man tug on his sleeve, “Bojack.” He whispers warningly, but he is ignored as Bojack continues.

“The only reason Herb had his own show in the first place was because some ABC executives just  _ happened  _ to be in the crowd one night while he was performing his stand up. Then, he pitched the show to them when they were  _ drunk  _ at a party. And he only got his job at SNL because he  _ happened  _ to run into a different drunken exec at  _ another  _ party.” He laughs and shakes this head, “He’s just some kid from New York who moved to LA and got  _ lucky _ ! He’s not too good for anything!” 

The table falls so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Until Sami pipes up, “Herbies a loser?”

Suddenly the table erupts into laughter.

Bojack cringed as Herb’s family roared in ridicule at him. That wasn’t exactly the response he had been aiming for. Bojack turns to Herb, giving him a double thumbs up and smiling nervously. “...Bojack helping?” 

Herb’s face was a mask as he looked back at the horse, but Bojack could see the pain in his eyes just behind that defense he was putting on, and it made his heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. Herb just looked at him for a moment, even while everyone continued to laugh. Then, he just shook his head, turned, and left the room. 

Bojack felt the dread of knowing he’d fucked up creep into his chest as he tried to follow the smaller man. He called after him, “Herb wait!” But the door is slammed hard behind him, and the bitterly cold air that flies into the house is like a final slap to the horse’s face.

He stands at the front door, his hands nervously wringing at his chest. He felt a shortness of breath and tried the deep breathing exercises his therapist taught him. His breathing slowly returned to normal as he heard the laughter in the dining room start to die down. He walked back to everyone at the table and frowned, as they hadn’t even moved from their seats despite the fact that they literally just laughed their son and brother from the house. And even though Herb had maintained a look of indifference, Bojack knew for a fact that as soon as he was alone he would be crying. The fact that his family surely knew that they had teased him to tears and still didn’t care made the horse’s ears feel hot.

He gestured to the front of the house, “Does… Anyone want to go see if he’s okay?”

Sami waves his hand dismissively, “Oh leave him Bojack, let Baby Herbie have his tantrum.”

Bojack cringed, “Well it’s just, he seemed really upset.”

Melanie scoffs, “Yeah, he used to run off like this all the time when we were kids. Who knows where crybaby ran off to.” 

The rest of the family murmured in agreement and continued to eat their dinner like nothing had happened. Bojack started to feel the dread in his chest be replaced with white-hot anger. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from saying something awful that might further damage whatever threads of a relationship Herb still held with his family. 

Instead, through gritted teeth he asked, “Can I use your phone?”

\---

Bojack breathed a sigh of relief when he got out of the cab he’d called. He had finally found Herb at the third place he looked, (but if anyone asked he would say he went there first). There above groups of friends, families, and couples enjoying a perfect winter’s day ice skating at Rockefeller Plaza, was Herb. He was sitting alone behind the statue of Prometheus and watching the skaters enjoy themselves as he sulked. Bojack made his way up to him through the throngs of people and carefully approached him.

Herb turns around when he senses someone standing behind him and frowns when he sees its Bojack. “Hey...”

Bojack sits down beside him, feeling awkward, “Hey.”

Herb avoids eye contact with him, but Bojack can see they were still puffy and red from crying. Herb cleared his throat, “Sorry I took the car. I just wanted to leave that second.”

Bojack is taken a little off guard by the apology. “Oh, don’t worry about it, I just called a cab.”

Herb frowned at him and knit his eyebrows together, “You didn’t take the subway?”

“...Shit. That would’ve been easier huh?”

Herb snorts and looks back to the ice, but there’s still no sign of a smile on his face. Bojack puts his hands in his pockets, “Sorry for all that stuff I said back there.”

Herb shrugged, “S’all true isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not true Herb. I was just trying to put a spin on things to appease your family. Dr. Garcia says it’s a defense technique from my childhood. A kind of low impact sort of tactic. I thought if I made you sound like less of the incredible person you  _ obviously  _ are, it would make your family stop...” He shakes his head, “Just  _ stop. _ But… that’s no excuse, and I’m so sorry baby.”

Herb sighed, “It’s fine BJ. I know what you were trying to do, but trust me, you  _ can’t  _ make them stop. Nothing is ever good enough for them.”

They sat in silence for a minute just watching the people skate. After a while, Bojack put his hand on Herb’s leg and jostled it lightly. “Listen Herb, take it from a guy who has his own shitty parents. Family is a sinkhole. And you were right to get out when you did.”

Herb rubs his hands together to stave off the cold and scowled at the skaters below them, “The stupid thing is that even now I still just want them to like me, and think I that I did good.” He turns to Bojack with a miserable look on his face. “Is that really stupid?” 

“Yep.” 

Herb sits up straight and smacks him on the shoulder, “No it isn't!”

Bojack throws his hands up in the cold air, “Yeah, it is! You want  _ those  _ assholes to like you? And here I thought  _ my  _ family was cold, yeesh! Herb, you’re already amazing, you don’t  _ need  _ them. The only thing you can do now is just to keep, living, forward.”

Herb groan, “I know... but,  _ every time _ I go back there-”

“So don’t go back there!” 

Herb’s eyebrows shoot up but he stays silent so Bojack continues, “Let’s you and me just go back to California. The best thing about LA is that nobody cares who you are or where you’re from.”

Herb looks amused at that, “Well, in New York-”

“Yeah yeah okay, New York is like that too,” Bojack backpedals as he waves his hands in front of him, “But you know the second best part about LA? This is a secret I learned when I was young,” He clears his throat and says slowly and clearly, “Your family isn’t in LA.” 

Herb chuckles and Bojack smiles, throwing his arm around the smaller man and pulling him close, “You think that's a coincidence? It's the best! Why do you think people keep moving there?”

Herb snorts again and nestles into his shoulder, “...Thanks BJ.”

Bojack kissed him sweetly on the temple and they sat there in a new, more comfortable silence, watching the people below them enjoy the winter night. The sharp December air a little more bearable now that they were close to each other.

“... I think your brother had a crush on me.”

Herb bursts out laughing and Bojack soon joins him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone has any questions abt the choices I made for Herb's family's characterization/or just questions abt stuff in the fic in general feel free to ask! I do a lot of research to make sure period-specific things reflect the year(s) the fic is placed in well.
> 
> Next chapter sees BJ and Herb back in LA, and Bojack discovers some things he didn't realize abt their relationship~


	18. Promise - 2000

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack and Herb are Back in LA and their relationship takes a surprising turn after Bojack has a conversation with Princess Carolyn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapters a little mushy lol.

“Jesus!”

Herb hears the front door slam all the way from his spot on the deck. A couple of seconds later Bojack is pushing through the glass doors to join him outside, with a grocery bag, two coffees in his hands, and a scowl on his face.

“I forgot how  _ relentless _ the paparazzi are in LA.”

Herb chuckles as Bojack hands him his drink, “Thanks Baby, what were they asking about this time?”

He scoffs and flops onto the deck chair next to him. “Oh the usual,” He puts on a whiney voice, “‘Bojack, what’s your next project gonna be?’ ‘Bojack, why’d you go to New York for two years after your oscar win?’ ‘Bojack, why don’t you refill your bird feeder?’”

Herb cocks his head to the side. “Birdfeeder?”

Bojack waves his hand dismissively, “One or two of them were birds I think. I wasn’t looking too hard. In fact, I was actively trying to pretend they didn’t exist.”

Herb chuckled politely and they settled into their chairs again. Enjoying their coffees and basking in the mediocre February sun that LA provided, but which was a welcome change from the bitter cold of New York. There was a comfortable silence between them, but Herb could read Bojack like a book, and noticed he was deep in thought as he silently sipped his coffee. So the other man patiently waited for him to speak. 

After a few minutes, Bojack lifted his head and quietly asked as he stared off into the mountains, “Is it weird I haven’t picked up a new project yet?”

Herb smiled and gave him a sympathetic look, reaching out to pat his knee he said, “No BJ. I don’t think so. Take as much time as you need, the last few years have been pretty eventful for you.” His smile tightened a little as his shoulders raised a little, “… As long as you don’t forget to find a new  _ therapist _ soon.”

Bojack groaned dramatically and rolled his eyes so hard he leaned back in the deck chair.

Herb pointed at him sternly, “Hey, Dr. Garcia gave you some great recommendations and I want you to go through them and make appointments. There I said it, it’s done.” He punctuated his request with a wave of his hand.

The horse huffed childishly, “ _ Okay,  _ I’ll do it. Just give me a while to adjust, alright?”

\---

It was a busy day in LA, the city was brimming with life and opportunity. And both elements came together between Bojack and Princess Carolyn as they met to discuss business for lunch at Elefante.

Princess Carolyn smiled widely at Bojack, “Oh, I have  _ so  _ many offers in for you right now. People are excited to see you back in LA.” She clasped her hands together excitedly, “And I’m hearing  _ movie  _ buzz.”

Bojack grimaced slightly, “Eh, I’m not sure I want to do another movie so soon. O- or anything big really.” He traced his finger around the design on the tablecloth. “I really liked working in theatre in New York, maybe I could do some of that here?”

She laughs, “The theatre scene? In L.A.? Don’t make me laugh Bojack.”

He frowned, “You just did.”

“Listen Buddy, you’d better settle on something soon. Everone’s dying to see what you do next.” She says as she grabs her glass of milk and laps at it. 

He groans, “Tell me about it. Basically anytime I leave the house I end up getting followed by paparazzi asking me the same question.”What’s next”? Why does there always have to be a  _ next _ , huh?” 

She chuckles, “Get used to it.”

He runs his hand through his mane, “Anyway, I don’t know about jumping into something new so quickly, I’ve kinda just been having fun settling back down in LA with Herb.”

“Settling down? You can’t settle down now! Bojack fever is starting to build. I can spritz it with a little water for now, but sooner or late that fire’s gonna grow Boj, and you’re gonna want a strong foundation to feed it when that happens!”

“Is this a building metaphor or a fire metaphor?”

Princess Carolyn folds her hands in front of her and narrows her eyes at him from across the table. “It’s me telling you not to fall into one of your ”I’m not gonna work for months on end because I’m too depressed to get help” episodes.”

Bojack throws his hands up and his head back, “ _ Ugh _ ! That was like one and a half times! Besides, I’m not even sad, I just moved across the country, and it’s  _ normal  _ for me to want to  _ relax  _ a little.” He crossed his arms “And FYI, the more things pick up for me, the harder it’s gonna be to keep Herb and my relationship a secret.”

She scoffs and rolls her eyes, “Yeah, funny how people didn’t figure it out when you two moved in together years ago and are still living together now.” She leans back in her chair and crosses her arms, “I can’t tell you what to do or what will happen in the future Bojack. You can have fun with your little  _ Doug Langway _ for now, but  _ don’t  _ let a relationship get in the way of your career. That’s what I always say.” 

Bojack bites his tongue to prevent saying ‘ _ That’s why you’re single _ ’. instead, he sighs and rolls his eyes, “Yeah well, when Herb and I get married-”

Princess Carolyn shot up in her seat in surprise. “Oh, wow! I didn’t know you two were  _ engaged _ , congratulations! When did that happen?”

Bojack froze, “Oh, I mean… we’re not engaged  _ yet _ .”

She waves her hand in the air, “Oh, right right, you just  _ know _ that you’re going to get married someday.”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

She nods, laughing a little at her momentary confusion, “Okay, that makes more sense.” She sighs, “It’s so nice that you and Herb have had that conversation, you know, not enough couples do. And then one of them just pops the question all willy nilly, and runs the risk of the other one saying no because they had no clue what was even coming and aren’t ready for that kind of commitment.”

There’s a long beat of silence between them and the bustle of the restaurant swallows up the hole in their conversation.

“You’ve... talked about this with Herb right?”

“Um...”

She slaps a hand against her forehead, “Oh my  _ god _ . Bojack, you’ve  _ got  _ to talk to him! You can’t just  _ assume  _ he’ll say yes!”

Bojack starts to feel the anxiety leak into his chest and he fidgets with his silverware, “Well... We’ve been together for  _ years _ . We’ve been through a lot together, we obviously  _ love  _ each other. Someday we’re gonna get married, it just makes sense right?” He laughs nervously, “W-whats there to even talk about?”

She gives him a strained smile. “Uh.. yeah. Sure. I’m sure that’ll work out  _ great  _ for you. Oh! But if you do get hitched, let me know. I can throw you a  _ killer  _ wedding! What do you think about a murder mystery element where the priest gets killed and then later we find out the best man did it?”

\---

Bojack had been fussing about the house since he got back from his lunch with Princess Carolyn. He insisted he was fine, but Herb still kept an eye on him and watched as he fluttered on the edge of the living room. And constantly walked back and forth from his office to the kitchen for no reason. It was clear by the sideways looks the horse was giving him that he want Herb’s attention but was too apprehensive and not willing to outright ask him for it.

After ten minutes of trying to gently ignore Bojack and let him assert his own needs, Herb gave up with a sigh. He rolled his eyes and turned off the TV, turning around to look at the nervous horse in the middle of another anxious walk to the fridge.

“BJ, is something the matter?”

For a professional actor and the child of abusive parents, Bojack was somehow not a very good liar. He stiffened up and broke out into a fake smile immediately. 

“The matter? Nothings the matter, you- where did you even get that idea from?” he laughed nervously.

Herb was nonplussed, “Because you’ve been acting weird since you got home from your meeting with Princess Carolyn. Did something happen?”

He hesitates for a second and one could almost see him taking his emotional walls down. He takes a deep breath and slowly explains himself, choosing his words carefully. 

“Sooooo... Princess Carolyn and I were talking earlier… about, _relationship stuff._ And, I said _something,_ and she got all _weird_ about this _thing._ And I uh, just wanted to,” He clears his throat, “…. Clarify some stuff with you.”

Herb puts down the remote slowly, “Okay… What’s up?”

Bojack fidgets heavily and rubs his hands together, not used to having open and honest conversations like this. Especially not about relationships, and he feels incredibly exposed right now _. _

“Okay, uh so…. Just  _ hypothetically _ ... If we got married, that would be a good thing right?”

Herb’s eyes widened to the size of saucers and he stared at him, a blush creeping into his cheeks. “Uh… would that, are we… living in Massachusetts in this scenario?”

Bojack shakes his head, “What? No, don’t think about that right now, just, pretend that we can already get married. If we did, you would be… okay with it? Right?”

Herb sat up more and slid his legs off the couch, struggling to find the words to match his surprise. “Uh… I- I guess? I mean, we’ve been dating for almost seven years, and we live together… not much would change for us… ” He scratches at his beard and blushes a little deeper, a meek smile forming on his face. “But uh... It  _ would  _ be nice to be able to say you’re my husband.”

Bojack blushes just as hard, and plays with his hands excitedly, “Yeah! Exactly right? It just makes sense! That’s what I was saying to PC!”

Herb smirks, and points into the air, “Yeah, see that horse over there puking up a mountain of cotton candy into the bushes even though I told him to stop eating it a hour ago?” He puffed out his chest and laughed, “That  _ my  _ husband.”

Bojack blushes impossibly deeper and crosses his arms playfully, but still appreciates how the joke made the tension in his stomach start to disappear. “Yeah yeah okay,  _ one time. _ ”

Herb laughs again and gestures for Bojack to join him on the couch. He can’t help but feel mushy thanks to the dopey smile Bojack was giving him. Bojack sits with him as Herb clears his throat lightly.

“In this…  _ hypothetically  _ of course... In this scenario you’ve made up. Would we, discussing all this right now and agreeing on it, would it be kind of like a ...proposal?”

Bojack’s eyes light up and his smile gets even wider, “It could, I - if you wanted it to be.”

Herb smiled and slid his hand across the couch cushion to lace their fingers together, “I think I’d like that.”

The two men were positively  _ beaming _ at each other.

Suddenly, Bojack’s eyes lit up with recollection and he tightened his grip on Herb’s hand, “Oh wait, shit! Hang on!” He jumped up and looked around the room nervously, “Uh, wait right here!” 

He ran upstairs leaving a very confused Herb on the couch. After a few minutes, Bojack galloped back down the stairs and into the living room, clutching something small in his hands that herb couldn’t get a good look at.

“Almost forgot these,” he panted lightly.

Herb cocked an eyebrow at the horse, “Forgot what?”

Bojack waves his hands in front of himself excitedly. “Hang on hang on! Let me do the thing.” He dropped to one knee and puffed out his chest, presenting the other man with a small black box. He opened the box to reveal two small silver rings. 

Bojack cleared his throat and smiled wide at the other man, “Herb Kazzaz, will you marry me?”

Herb’s jaw dropped in shock and he was speechless. He blushed furiously and stammered as he struggled to find his voice, “W-when did you? How long ago did you?”

Bojack chuckles, “I got them back in June.”

“ _ June _ ? That was like 9 months ago!” He smacked the horse on the shoulder, “What took you so long?”

Bojack laughed, “I wanted to wait for the right moment!”

Herb shook his head incredulously and couldn’t help himself. He leaned forward, placing his hands firmly on the horse’s shoulders and planting a firm, passionate kiss on his lips. Bojack made no hesitation to return it as he moved back to the couch and wrapped his arms around the smaller man, not breaking the kiss and in fact, deepening it.

When they finally broke apart Herb nuzzled up to the horse and chuckled, “This day took a surprising turn.”

Bojack chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his neck, “So...?”

Herb looked up at him with a smirk, “So...?”

Bojack smiles, “You didn’t answer. Whadda you say?”

Herb smiles back before he slips his arms around the horse’s neck and leans up to give him another sweet long kiss. When he pulls away he nestles into the crook of his neck and laughs. 

“Yes, BJ.”

\---

Outside of the house, hidden inside the shady leaves of a palm tree, there was the click of a camera shutter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking in there with me as I work on this fic! I’ve been planning out the rest of the story and think I have most things squared away for the future chapters! I’m really excited about what’s to come!
> 
> But on that note, the next chapter will be what you think it will be :(. It’s no secret that in this fic bj and herb will be outed. I’ve debated about whether or not to write the chapter or just allude to its events later, but I think the best course of action for the fic would be to treat it like a flashback clip show if that makes sense? Like piecing together the events in the aftermath of the outing, glazing over the details, and just covering the larger points. I don’t know, we’ll have to see what I end up writing for sure. It’s just a difficult subject to write for being lgbtq+ myself. Thank you guys for understanding! :)


	19. Up and Out Em' - 2000

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack and Herb get outed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unfortunate that this chapter is getting posted at the beginning of pride month, but it's best to get it out of the way now. It's nothing big, just a few words to gloss over the events that take place during this time for bj n herb and how they react.

The whole thing seemed to go by in a blur.

A news story. Excess Hollywood. The two of them. A private moment.

Soul crushing news. Career-ending news. 

His phone rings and he ignores it.

The photos were plastered all over the papers, all over the TV. Their relationship was suddenly the only thing anyone wanted to talk about. 

A phone call from New York. Disownment. Hours of tears and consoling.

Phones unplugged and turned off. 

A visit from a friend. A plan.  A live interview. A rant. Being told he came off as “aggressive, and “emotional”. 

Sorrow turns to rage. A lawsuit. Photos that were taken on private property.

A blocked number calls. He throws out his phone.

The aftermath. Their careers are considered over. 

Uncertainty for the future. 

The feeling of drowning. 

The understanding that they were drowning together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter skips forward to 2003. Does Bojack fall into another depression? Yes.
> 
> the chapter AFTER that one lightens up a bit though


	20. Maybe - 2002

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack and Herb are still picking up the pieces of their lives in the years following their public outing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope there aren't any big errors in here, i didn't give it a once over before publishing. I'm sure it's fine though.

Herb came home from work hoping to see Bojack in literally  _ any _ other place than on the couch. His hopes fall flat though when he walks through the front door and sees the horse in the exact same position he was when he left. 

Sitting on the couch. Eating junk food. And watching TV. 

Although to Bojack’s credit, this morning he was eating popcorn and watching Horsin Around reruns. But now he was eating chips and watching a DVD of Secretariat. Which means at some point he must have at least stood up to get more snacks and put in the movie.

This had become a depressing routine for the couple for the past year. Herb would leave for work, and Bojack would…. Do whatever he did while Herb was gone. Never going anywhere, talking to anybody, or doing anything of subsistence. Things had been  _ incredibly  _ difficult for them in the years following their outing. Thankfully, their Horsin Around residuals paid the bills just fine, but psychologically, they were still struggling. It had taken a year already before they even started getting job offers in again. Herb had  _ jumped  _ at the opportunity to work again, getting out of the house, back into the world, and out of the compounded depression cloud that had been looming over their home. But Bojack was far more apprehensive. Herb’s small writing jobs kept him busy enough, but Bojack had fallen into old habits quickly, and he had completely shrunken away from the world. 

The only upside was that now that they were in LA it was a  _ little  _ easier for Herb to get him to go outside. But the horse still refused to make any attempt at working again, convinced his career was over no matter what anyone said. In the rare moments he even  _ considered  _ the concept that he could still act, he would refuse to even  _ look  _ at any offers that were not above an extremely high and unrealistic quality.

And unlike the times this had happened before, for a long while, Herb let the horse be. More often than not he found himself skirting around the obstacles of garbage and dirty laundry that seemed to accumulate around the horse without a second thought about it. For a long time he turned a blind eye to how much Bojack was sleeping, and how little he ate anything of substance. 

He understood where his husband was coming from, and how he was still processing what had happened to them. And maybe he thought that given some time and a little encouragement, Bojack would be okay, like all the times before. Sometimes a part of him felt guilty for even worrying. Other times he couldn’t go ten minutes without thinking about all the ways he could help. 

Early on, in what would soon become a noticeable and steep decline in their mental health, Herb had insisted that he and Bojack regularly see their therapists. And the horse at least managed to do that. Although... Herb had a sick feeling that that was no longer the case, because for the past few weeks Bojack had been acting strangely. And his once rant-length responses to the question “how was therapy?”, (annoying although consistent), had suddenly been reduced to suspicious one word responses. 

Herb wasn’t exactly excited about what he needed to do, but it had been almost two years now, and he’d had too many sleepless nights and stressful days worrying about Bojack’s health and state of mind. He knew that the horse needed an extra push, and Herb had been nudging him gently for  _ months  _ to no avail, now it was time for a  _ shove _ .

He sighed heavily and took his time entering the living room. Setting his work bag down and walking around the couch to stand near the horse, he ran his fingers through his mane affectionately.

“Hey BJ.”

The horse just barely looked up from the TV, craning his neck without breaking his eye contact with the movie. “Hey Baby. How was your day?”

Herb crossed his arms over the back of the couch and hummed, “Fine. I got to talk with one of the producers of “Krill and Grace” today, he’s a hamster. He actually writes for the show too. Was really nice, knew what he was talking about, you know?” He cleared his throat and tried to seem casual, “Say... Did you go to that meeting you had with Marv today?”

Bojack shrugged disinterestedly, “Nah, I canceled.” 

Herb’s heart dropped a little at that, though he knew what the answer was going to be even before he asked. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, “Bojack, you had an appointment,  _ why _ didn’t you go?”

Bojack scoffed, “Aw come on Herb, I was coming up to the finale of Horsin Around! What, am I supposed to do,  _ not  _ watch it?” 

Herb cleared his throat and carefully began the speech he had been workshopping in the mirror for days. “BJ... I know things have been… difficult, for us, for a while now... But I don’t think you moping around the house all the time, and shunning the outside world is particularly  _ healthy _ .” 

“I’m not  _ moping _ .” The horse snaps as he shoves a handful of chips in his mouth.

“Oh my fucking god.” Herb reaches over and grabs the bowl out of Bojack’s hands and sets it on the coffee table, ignoring his whines of protest. He takes a moment to collect himself, trying to keep from losing his cool. “Bojack… You can’t... You can’t keep doing this. You can’t flake on everything and just stay home all day watching yourself on TV and eating junk.” 

“Hey that’s not fair, sometimes I watch other people on TV too!”

Herb rubs at his eyes and continues, “Your therapist said you were depressed, and I think that-”

Bojack butts in before he can finish, “Okay, fine, sure, I’m  _ a little  _ depressed, but I’m not  _ depressed,  _ depressed.” He waves his hands in the air and forces a chuckle, “I don’t  _ have  _ depression.” 

Herb frowns and his hands twitch before he makes his decision. He reaches into his back pocket, and takes out the prescription sheet he found crumpled up in Bojack’s nightstand a week ago. He holds it out to him, “Bojack, when did Dr. Indira give you this?” 

Bojack stares at it quietly for a  _ long  _ time before he mutters, “Where did you get that?” 

Herb purses his lips and steels himself, standing up a little straighter, “I think you know where I got it from. Bojack,  _ when? _ ”

“... A few months ago, why does it matter?” 

“A few months- !” Herb slaps a hand to his face and groans, “ _ BJ… _ ”

Bojack sits up and gestures desperately around him, “Herb, come on, you worry too much! I’m just decompressing, I’m relaxing, enjoying life, really!”

“ _ This _ ,” Herb gestures, frustrated, around the living room, at the piles of garbage, half-eaten bowls of food, and the movie now paused on the TV. “This is not ‘enjoying life’. You can’t keep making up excuses like this Bojack.” Herb doesn’t mean to raise his voice but it happens anyway as he gets worked up. “You haven’t done  _ anything  _ with yourself since we got outed. You can’t just throw away your life like this!”

Bojack doesn’t mean to raise his voice either, he really doesn’t. But years of growing up in an abusive household has conditioned him to match Herb’s energy, and he stands to face the smaller man head-on. “Maybe if Marv brought me anything  _ good _ , I’d actually do it!” He crosses his arms angrily, “And by the way Mr.  _ Writer _ , it’s a  _ lot  _ harder for  _ me  _ to get a job than  _ you _ .”

Herb takes a deep breath and tries to lower his voice, “Whether or not that’s true… you can’t just keep running and hiding from your problems like this.”

Bojack sneers at him and crosses his arms, “I don’t  _ run  _ from my problems. ‘Cause if I  _ did,  _ I wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

Herb shook his head and grit his teeth together to keep from yelling more. “You need to get out of the house and do…  _ something.  _ Anything!” He runs his hands through his hair exasperatingly, “Get a hobby or something, I don’t know! I  _ want  _ you to be happy you jackass, but you won’t even talk to me about this stuff anymore. W- what does Dr. Indira say about all this?”

Bojack’s eyes widened and he stiffened up, his mouth clapping shut quickly. 

Herb’s eyes narrowed, “ _ BJ _ ?”

The horse started wringing his hands together nervously, looking anywhere but the other man’s face. “Uh, she said that I could take my time, f- for the record. And I am.”

Herb frowned, “And when did she say that?”

The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Bojack cleared his throat gingerly, “A few weeks ago. And, I… haven’t seen her since.”

Herb’s entire demeanor shifted, and his voice became as hard and cold as his gaze, running shivers down Bojack’s spine. “ _ Why _ ?” 

The horse hung his head and remained silent.

Herb ran his hands down his face and groaned, trying to keep his frustration in check. “I asked  _ one thing _ of you, and you...” Herb puffed up with indignation opening and closing his mouth multiple times in an effort to find the right words to make sense of all that was happening inside his brain at the moment. But all attempts to express himself dispelled in an instant before he all but deflated, his anger and feelings of betrayal gone and replaced by nothing short of hurt and heartache. He shook his head and looked back up at the horse with the most dejected expression. “BJ… why?”

Bojack turned away from him and took a deep breath as he tried to collect his thoughts, “When we were outed Herb. It felt, all the time, like I was drowning. But... there was an understanding that we were drowning together.” He started to pace the room anxiously, “And at some point I realized that you were managing to keep your head above water, while I kept sinking. You went out and started working again, you work hard and don’t give up on anything. Or on me, even though you probably should... ” He stopped and shook his head slowly, willing away tears, “But it’s always been that way hasn't it? You can swim, and I can’t, so I either cling to you, or worse, end up pulling you down with me. Those pills are just gonna be a constant reminder that I couldn’t handle it myself... That I really  _ am  _ broken.”

It was clear that Bojack was on the verge of tears. Maybe it wasn’t as clear to someone who didn’t know him that well, but to Herb, Bojack was as easy to read as a billboard. And he knew, better than anyone, that Bojack didn’t cry in front of other people. He could count on one hand the amount of times he’d seen it happen himself, and knew it was a very serious matter of the horse’s emotional state. 

Herb’s voice softened and he closed the distance that was made between them, reaching out to put a hand on Bojack’s shoulder. “I don’t think that way about you BJ… And that’s not how people work, but this is why I’m pushing you. I can’t be the only thing keeping you from drowning, you need to learn to swim on your own…” He moves around the horse to look at him face to face. “I love you BJ, and if you love  _ me _ , you’ll take these steps to learn.” He holds the prescription form out to him, a pleading look on his face, “You need to meet me halfway here.” 

Bojack stares down at the prescription sheet in Herb’s hand but makes no motion to take it from him.

Herb presses, practically begging, “You gotta do this for me BJ… please.”

Bojack swallows the lump in his throat, “What if... I take these pills and I become a completely different person? What if you don’t even recognize me anymore?”

Herb frowns and his eyebrows knit together, “I don’t even recognize you now.”

Bojack’s eyes widen and he grimaces, turning away from the other man, he goes back to the couch and sits down.

Herb sits with him and gently rubs his back, “BJ listen, just... get the prescription filled, take them until they’re gone, and then, if you want to, we can discuss trying something else. Okay?”

If Bojack was being honest with himself, he would much rather do nothing. It was a hell of a lot easier than doing  _ something _ . And he couldn’t shake the nagging voice in the back of his head that tells him it won’t matter if he takes the meds anyway, because he’ll always be broken no matter what. But, despite that, there’s also a teeny tiny voice that reminds him that Herb is usually right about these things, and  _ maybe  _ he should trust him. 

And  _ maybe  _ he was getting bored watching Horsin Around and Secretariat all the time. Maybe he was tired of eating himself sick on junk food every day. Maybe he didn’t like seeing his boyfriend upset and worried about him constantly. Maybe the tears threatening to form at the corner of Herb’s eyes right now made his chest feel so tight he had trouble breathing. Maybe he could try the pills, just for a little while… Maybe…

Bojack sighed heavily and met Herb’s gaze.

“Okay.”

\---

Bojack folded and unfolded the prescription sheet nervously in his hands as he wandered through the aisles of a pharmacy in West Hollywood. 

After the talk he had with Herb yesterday he had promised to get his long-overdue prescription filled first-thing today. He knew that Herb was probably pacing the house just waiting for him to return. Bojack had just  _ barely  _ managed to convince the man that he didn’t need to come with him, and he needed to trust the horse to fill it himself. But as soon as he gets home he knows that Herb’ll want to see the pills himself, just to be sure that Bojack  _ actually  _ got them.

He had finally worked up the nerve to come inside after sitting in his car outside for over half an hour. But now he found he was going to need to psyche himself up even more just to exchange the form for the medication. After his third pass through the eldercare section, Bojack finally got sick of looking at the packages for adult diapers, and he peeked over the aisles at the Pharmacy counter, and seeing that there was no line, decided it was now or never.

He walked up to the counter and handed the pharmacist his slip. She eyed it suspiciously for a moment, probably because it was very visibly worn, having been messed with by Bojack’s nervous hands since Dr. Indira gave it to him over a week ago. As he refused to use it, but also refused to throw it away. She turns into the back to fill the prescription and he’s left alone.

He can’t help but fidget and positions his hands to hold tight onto the edge of the counter to stop himself from bailing on this whole endeavor. His mind races with desperate, crazy thoughts as he waits. How long does it take to fill a prescription? This whole thing is a fools errand. The pills aren’t even gonna work he bets. Maybe he could just leave now and hide out at Princess Carolyn’s place for a while, she’d probably let him. Maybe he could just change his name and move to his family’s cabin in Maine, no one would care enough about him up there to make him take antidepressants. Maybe he could drive down to New Mexico and stay with Charlotte and Kyle, they just had another baby, he could help out with-

“Sir?” The pharmacist’s voice breaks through his manic thoughts. 

He shakes his head and returns to reality, “H- huh?”

She holds a small white and blue paper bag out to him, “Your medication, Sir.”

He pays and makes a beeline back to the parking lot. When he gets out to his car he opens the bag and plops the orange bottle out. He turns it around in his hands and small blue pills rattle around inside as he inspects it. He brought the bottle up to his ear and shook it, just to hear the rattling, and immediately regrets it. The sound sent shivers down his spine and reminded him of a time during his early days on Horsin Around, when he would take bottles like this and down the contents without a second thought. Usually waking up upside down on his coffee table, or in Bellican’s parking lot, and one time he thinks he can vaguely remember waking up in his bed, soaking wet and covered in tapioca pudding for some reason.

He sighed heavily and popped open the bottle, the powdery, plastic-y smell of the container and its contents making him a little nauseous. Before he could think over think it any more, he took a pill out and popped it into his mouth. He quickly closed the bottle and threw it back into the bag, tossing it onto the passenger seat. 

He took a deep breath, started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. And despite his apprehension, or his passing annoyance at his husband’s insistence on these pills, he was starting to think that maybe they could help a little...

Maybe...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not particularly happy with this chapter, but I haven't been thrilled with my writing for a while lol.   
> I actually wrote it months ago but had to go back and change some things because I added to and changed some of the story since then.   
> I’m working on an online store and have a job now along with my art and fic writing, so updates will happen even slower from now on sorry. But I'm still very interested in finishing this fic! I have it all planned out till the end with only a few holes to fill in and stuff to figure out, and I’m excited to share it with everybody!
> 
> Next chapter should skip ahead to 2007!
> 
> also for the hell of it if anybody wants to check out my stuff here's the link: https://brooklynnseipleart.bigcartel.com/


	21. Bojack's Life - 2007

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 2007 and Bojack and Herb have all but gotten their lives back on track after their outing. But Bojack begins to suspect that he isn't as well adjusted as he thinks when he gets offered a role that's bigger than he's had in years.

Herb hears Bojack come home one afternoon and fully expects him to come up to his office to greet him. But what he doesn’t expect is the force with which the door is slammed open. He jumps with a yelp and narrowly avoids spilling coffee all over his new computer when Bojack strides inside and announces himself.

“You’re looking at the new face of Seaborn brand seahorse milk!”

Herb closes his netbook slowly and cocks his head to the side, “What the  _ hell  _ is seahorse milk?”

Bojack scoffs and waves his hand dismissively, “I don’t know, some kelp-based juice in a bottle I think. Does it really matter?”

Herb gives him a smirk, happy his husband was excited about the job, but not above a little teasing. “I thought jobs like that were ‘ _ below you _ ’.”

Bojack smirks back and points at the other man, “They are. But I heard Mr. Peanutbutter was interested in this one so I went down to the studio lot and  _ stole it _ out from under him. I mean, you should at least have a  _ land-horse _ advertising a  _ sea-horse _ brand right? What does a  _ dog  _ know about sea horse milk?”

Herb can’t help but laugh, “What do  _ you  _ know about seahorse milk?”

“All I know is that I’m trusting Seaborn for all my aquatic based dairy needs from now on.” Bojack proudly boasts, gripping the lapels of his jacket.

Herb rolls his eyes and closes his laptop. “I really don’t understand why you still hold a grudge against that guy BJ.”

He shakes his head, “I’ll never be over it Herb. That guy is as much of a cheap knock off of  _ me _ , as his show was a cheap knock off of Horsin Around.”

Herb counts on his fingers, “A: That show was never his fault. And B: both shows ended over a decade ago!”

Bojack sneers and crosses his arms, “Yeah, and Mr. Peanutbutter was there for the last six years to snatch up all the roles I wasn’t being offered anymore after we were outed.”

Herb frowns, “BJ… You can’t actually believe that. You were both in completely different acting fields when-”

“Also he’s just plain  _ annoying _ . You can’t deny that you think it too!”

“Uh, well, that’s not really-”

The horse crosses his arms angrily, “And what’s with him letting that Todd kid sleep on his couch? He’s been there for months, is he ever gonna leave?”

“What does Todd have to do with-?”

Bojack raises his voice to a shout, “And why don’t you  _ ever  _ agree with me that he sucks? You always make excuses for him!”

Herb puts his hands up defensively, “Okay, okay I get it! Touchy subject…”

Bojack winces at his own outburst and fidgets uncomfortably, looking ashamed. “I’m sorry Herb. He’s just so….  _ fake nice _ you know? And he always pretends we’re somehow best friends whenever I see him?” He sighs, “Whenever I’m around him I feel on edge, like there’s some big joke that everyone’s in on but me...”

The office is quiet and Herb stands to approach him. “Oh, BJ… That’s-”

Bojack shot up straight, “Anyway! That’s a talk for my therapist.” He laughed nervously, desperate to change the topic. “The point is, I’m gonna be in a bunch of undersea commercials! Yay!”

Herb offered a weak smile. “That sounds great baby.”

“And Mr. Peanutbutter won’t be.”

Herb frowned.

\---

“Scripts should be two words! Pretty Woman. Beautiful Girls _. Private Parts _ .”

“Well then you might not like this one...”

Princess Carolyn found herself in the same place she’d been for the last fourteen years. Standing in Marv’s office and watching him repeatedly throwing scripts that she took the weekend to read and recommend to him into the ceiling fan where she could actually watch her hard work be shredded into pieces in real-time.

“There Will Be Blood” didn’t seem to make the cut.

She sighs as the tattered remains of the script showered her, “This last one is really special. It’s a TV pilot from a veteran sitcom writer named Cuddlywhiskers called… hmm…  _ Mitch’s Life _ .”

Marv’s expression brightened, “Now  _ there’s  _ a title!”

“I think if we attach the right talent, this could be a hit!”

He leaned back in his seat and clasps his hands. “Hmm, is Ron Silver still alive?”

“Uh, I’m not sure… Oh! But you know who’d be great?” She leans forward excitedly and taps the cover for emphasis, “ _ Bojack Horseman _ .”

Marv laughed, “Bojack? Oh, PC don’t make me laugh. Because I have a heart condition and it could kill me! He hasn’t worked on anything bigger than a guest spot in years.”

Princess Carolyn held the script close to her chest, “I think they’d be happy to have him! Cuddlywhiskers himself is a former substance abuse victim just like Bojack. And the central plot is about giving up vices to pursue a happier life, even if it’s hard. Bojack’s a shoo in!”

He sighs and shakes his head sadly, tapping his cigar out in his ashtray as he spoke, “Princess Carolyn, you’re living in a fantasy world. I’ll admit, I thought Bojack’s career was  _ done  _ the day those photos came out. But a role like this? Too much, too fast. Audiences would  _ never  _ accept it. Hell, Bojack wouldn't accept it!” He shouts, throwing his hands up, "Everything big we offer him he shoots down!"

Princess Carolyn felt her heart drop, “But Marv, I think-”

Marv waves his hands around, “Bup bup bup, enough about Bojack PC. Now, do I get  _ you  _ coffee and pick up your dry cleaning? And buy you peek-a-boo negligees for strange women you saw at the train station once?”

She purses her lips and discreetly digs her nails into the thick script’s pages. “No.”

“Then how about you don’t do my job, and I don’t do your job?”

She forces a smile, “You know, I  _ would _ like to be an agent someday...”

He swirls around in his chair to put his back to her, “Sure sure,  _ someday.  _ But for now, you’re learning from the greats.  _ Mark my words.  _ The best agent in the world couldn’t get that joker to agree to a starring role again!”

\---

"Bojack! How's my boss's favorite client?"

“Uh pretty good since I talked to you  _ yesterday  _ about seahorse milk. What’s up?”

She talks fast, eager to blow through the practiced routine they’d set up in the past months. One where she introduces him to new a project, then he decides within a second whether or not he wants to do it without hearing all the details, and then doubles down and refuses to even entertain the idea until she finds him something more “his speed”. A typecasting she has yet to decipher. 

“A couple of scripts came in last week and I read this one that I think would be a  _ great  _ fit for you!” 

She can practically  _ see  _ the anxiety on his face as she talks.

On the other side of the phone, Bojack cringes and rubs at the back of his neck. “I… I don’t know Princess Carolyn. I’ve got a lot going on now that I landed that Seaborn gig. I’m not sure I have the time for a role like that.”

A whine edges its way into her voice, "But I’m telling you its a real stand out! A drama about a depressed, alcoholic, addict who turns his life around through emotional hard work and perseverance. It’s a perfect fit for you! And it was written by a former alcoholic himself, a sitcom writer named Cuddlywhiskers. He’s been to rehab, you’ve been to rehab, you’ll have so much to talk about!"

“ _ Talk _ about?”

She pretends not to notice the accusatory tone shift. “Sure! I mean, the main character  _ does  _ go to rehab in the show. You two could talk about that, you've already got a foot in the door Boj!”

“Talk to  _ who _ ?”

She’s sweating now. “The writer! Cuddlywhiskers!”

_ “Where _ ?”

She coughs lightly, “At the meeting I set up between you two at his house on Thursday?”

Bojack’s heart leaps into his throat, “What!? You haven’t even told me the  _ title _ , but you set up a meeting without my permission?”

“Because I thought you’d just say no right away!”

“Yeah,  _ that’s  _ sound reasoning. You thought I’d say no so you went ahead and did it anyway.” Bojack huffs.

Princess Carolyn rubs her temples, “Are you just going to keep doing commercials for the rest of your life? Or do you actually want to  _ act _ again?”

Bojack was quiet for a  _ long _ moment. “ _... _ PC are you sure about this? I haven’t gotten an offer like this in…  _ years. _ ” 

“Bojack, listen to me, this role was meant for you.”

"I'll… think about it."

She jumps up from her desk, "Thats not good enough Bojack! I need you to do this for me. Marv already doesn’t respect my opinions, if I can get you to take this job, then he’ll  _ have _ to admit I’m agent material!"

"Oooooh, now I see what this is about.” Bojack complains, the irritation evident in his voice now.

“It’s about a lot of things!” She says defensively.

“PC I'm not gonna accept a job to star in a TV show as a  _ favor  _ to you. That's a huge commitment!"

"Of course not! I just want you to  _ meet  _ with Cuddlywhiskers to discuss the show. No commitment, just a meeting."

He groans, “I… should talk to Herb about it first probably. Yeah, yeah, need to talk husband first. Uh, this is a, big thing, and he should definitely know about it."

Princess Carolyn knows him well enough to know that “a talk with Herb” is never going to happen, and her calls will just be ignored until the offer expires. But she has one last trick up her sleeve…

She sighs heavily, “Alright Bojack... If you really feel that strongly about staying with the same  _ low impact _ roles you’ve been doing. Then I can’t make you take this meeting.” She puts on a sad voice to really nail it home, “I’ll see if I can get you a one-episode guest spot on a season one finale of a show that airs on Monday nights. Or maybe I’ll try and find you a local commercial gig for ‘Mane and Tail’ that they’ll air for a month before moving on to another campaign...”

“Oh, um… okay.” She can hear the uncertainty creep into his voice. Time for the finishing blow.

She sighs again for dramatic effect, “I guess I’ll just have to call my friend Vanessa Gekko over at FME and tell her her client Mr. Peanutbutter has all but  _ got  _ the part.”

Bojack chokes slightly over the line and she pauses, a smile forming on her face.

He makes a small strangled noise in his throat before speaking up. “Wait.”

Got him.

\---

Bojack excitedly paces around the bedroom Thursday night as Herb watches from the bed, book in hand. 

“And then, Cuddlywhiskers said, ‘What if we stop thinking of TV as a conduit to tell stories, and started thinking about it as a conduit to tell truths?’ And I was like, Damn, this guy must have gone to  _ Yale  _ or something!’”

Herb smiles warmly at the horse and puts down “Water For Elephants”, “So, you’re gonna do the show?”

Bojack hesitates, “Nah. Timing’s really off right now. I’ve got to go underseas next month, iPhone’s coming out later this year so I need time to gear up for that...”

He trails off into the silence of the room and looks back at the bed in time to see Herb drag his hands down his face and sigh.

“BJ… you haven’t stopped talking about this show since you came home.” He gets out of bed and approaches the horse, groaning, “You keep turning down  _ any  _ role larger than an endorsement.  _ Why  _ won’t you just  _ do  _ this? Give me one good reason.”

“ _ Because _ his show sounds incredible! And what if... I’m not?” Bojack slumps down onto the edge of the bed and puts a hand to his face, closing his eyes to avoid looking at Herb. He hated this feeling, the one that comes after he lets himself be emotionally vulnerable with people. The gnawing itch that he’s made himself a burden. 

“If I take this job, it’ll be the first major thing I’ve done since we got outed.”

Herb puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. “BJ, that was seven years ago, you’ve done things since then.”

“Not really. There’s just this  _ huge  _ crater in my career. In my life. Where nothing happened, hell I was in a severe depression for like three straight years after that.” He shakes his head, “All that time, just gone, wasted. And I’ll never get it back, it’s too late.”

Herb stays quiet and sits down beside him.

“I try to stay upbeat, I try to get excited. But I’m so sick of doing these little piddly guest spots and commercials. Nobody wants the  _ real  _ me to work for them; they just want the novelty of having ‘the horse from Horsin Around’ or ‘the guy who played secretariat’ or ‘that guy who got outed’ on their project.” He sighs deeply and slides down to lean on his knees, “What if I’m not good enough? What if there's a reason I don’t usually get offers like this anymore?”

Herb says slowly, “Bojack, these are a lot of big questions. But do you want to know my honest opinion?” 

The horse looks up at him. 

“You are amazing. You’re bright, and funny, and smart, and talented, and charming, and you can  _ do  _ this. You know why? 

Bojack smirks at him, “Because I’m ‘BJ Goddamn Horseman?’”

Herb’s cheeks flush, “Shut up... But yes.”

Bojack laughs and Herb continues, “The point is, you have the skills and the acting experience, and Cuddlywhiskers likes you! If the writer thinks you're a good fit, I say trust that.”

\---

_ TWO MONTHS LATER _

Bojack laughs nervously as he waits for the coffee to be done, “I didn’t sleep at all last night, too pumped for today’s table read.”

Herb yawns as he props his head up on his hands on the counter, “Pumped or anxious?”

“I can be both.” He says defensively.

Herb smiles fondly at him, “I’m sure it’ll go great.”

He sighs, “Yeah, it’s just these things are always so  _ nerve wracking _ y’know? You’ve gotta sit there and  _ perform  _ for these people like some kind of- “

“Professional actor?”

“Very funny.” Bojack pouts as he crosses his arms. “By the way, I wanted to, thank you.”

“Oh?”

“Thank you for convincing me to do this. And for putting up with me for the past few weeks, and… years.” He plays with his hands as he talks, “I know I haven’t been the easiest person to be around, during this whole thing...”

He trails off and Herb is left waiting for the end of the sentence. He raises his eyebrows and leans over the counter towards the horse, who now appears to be lost deep in thought.

“Baby?”

Bojack turns to him suddenly and leans across the divide himself, placing his hand on top of Herb’s. “Promise me everything’s gonna be okay today.”

Herb squeezes Bojack’s hand and smiles, “BJ, I promise, everything is gonna be great. 

\---

“They said the show will be, ‘as big as Horsin Around’. I mean, doesn’t that  _ bother _ you?”

“............. No?” Herb squeaked out, completely flabbergasted by his husband’s heel-turn opinion about the show since his table read. Since the moment he stepped back into the house, he was ranting.

Bojack spun around and gestured in the air, “Herb the  _ network executives  _ liked it! Don’t you think that that might be a clue that we’re playing it  _ too  _ safe?”

“Executives were the ones that greenlit Horsin Around Bojack...”

“Exactly!” he pointed dramatically at the other man, “Cuddlywhiskers and I wanted to do something  _ different _ , something  _ real _ . And now all we’re doing is something that's gonna be “just as good as Horsin Around”.”

Herb rubbed at his temples, “so… you  _ don’t  _ want the executives to like it?”

“No!” His response is so childish Herb half expected him to stamp his foot along with it.

He sighed exasperatingly, “BJ, why would they  _ buy  _ it if they didn’t like the damn thing?”

That actually seemed to successfully shove a stick through the spokes of the runaway wheel of anxiety and frustration that was currently spinning through the horse’s head. “Uh…um…..huh.” He just stood there in the middle of the living room, visibly having lost his steam and with no idea where to redirect his emotions now.

Herb gestured to an empty place on the couch and Bojack silently dropped down beside him and whined. “Why did I do this? Why did I think I could act again? This is why I didn’t want to do another show. Everything was perfect before-”

Herb claps a hand on his shoulder.  _ “BJ. Calm down.” _

He flinches slightly at Herb’s tone but stops talking nonetheless. Pushing his hands under his legs to keep from fidgeting with them.

“Bojack, you’re blowing things out of proportion because you’re afraid.” The horse opens his mouth to say something more but clamps it shut when he sees how serious Herb looks. “And  _ don’t  _ say you’re not because I have known you for 22 years and I  _ know _ how you get when you’re scared of things.” 

Herb closes his eyes takes a deep breath, “Listen, I can’t promise you everyone’s gonna love this show. I can’t promise you that people won’t treat it like ‘Horsin Around 2’ just because you’re in it. But what I do know is that no matter what, people will remember it, and they’ll remember you. This show is good, BJ. It’s real, and edgy, and different. And only you could’ve given it that power and pulled it off.”

He opens his eyes back up to see tears welling in Bojack’s. Paired with a deeply touched and strained expression on his face as he tries to keep the tears from falling. He fails, and soon he’s being pulled into Herb’s arms, and sobbing into his shoulder. Herb squeezed him tight and gently rubbed his back until his sobs turned into sniffles and he pulled back enough to settle himself against Herb’s chest.

“Do you really think that?” He asked in his tight ‘post-crying’ voice.

Herb kissed him right between his eyes on his star marking and gave him a small smile. “I do.”

Bojack gave him a big wavering smile and looked like he might cry again, but more of a happy cry. Suddenly he cringes hard, and looks ashamed of himself. “I... I kinda said some mean things to Princess Carolyn earlier when I was freaking out.”

Herb furrows his brow, “What did you say?”

Bojack starts to fidget a little under his gaze. “I uh… said I didn’t want her opinion,” His voice gets progressively more quiet and mumbly as he explains himself, “And that um… her opinion didn’t matter because she’s just an assistant….. And uh, that I’d let her know if someone needed a coffee…...”

Herb’s jaw drops in shock. “....Why the hell would you say that to her?”

“Because she was right, but I was scared and I didn’t want to hear it. So I lashed out, and pushed her away, and now she’s never gonna want to talk to me again.” He answers sadly and matter of factly. Like he’s already come to peace with the self conceived notion that he was now permanently down one friend from the already small pool of people he was okay being around for an extended period of time.

Herb takes a second to collect himself and groans lightly, running a hand down his face, “Okay… that’s a discussion for your therapist I think. But for now, I think you should apologize.”

He burrows his face deeper into Herb’s chest, “What if she doesn’t forgive me?”

Herb wrinkles his nose as he thinks, “I hate to say this BJ, but I think Princess Carolyn is willing to put up with a lot. And don’t get me wrong, what you said to her was shitty. But I feel like she’s the forgiving type.”

Bojack looks back up at him, “You think?”

Despite trying to remain stern, Herb can’t help but smile at the horse. “Yeah.”

\---

He's talking to one of the actors from “Lost” when Herb gently touches his arm and in a low voice says, “Princess Carolyn’s here Hun.”

Bojack turns his head to see that his new agent was indeed at the party. She stood on the deck, cotton candy in hand, and looking a little uncomfortable. She was the mirror to Bojack himself in that moment. He made his way over to her and hoped he didn’t look as awkward as he felt.

“Princess Carolyn! I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

She shrugged with a small smile. “Well, I figured since I’m your agent I should at least show up to your premiere party.”

“I uh, I’m sorry I haven’t called or checked in or anything in a while. Y’know, I’ve been kind of busy lately.”

“Yeah. I figured you’d call me if you needed a coffee.”

“Ouch.” He laughed weakly, “Hey I already apologized for that.”

She smirked. “I know.”

Bojack rubbed at the back of his neck and Princess Carolyn averted her gaze to her cotton candy as a heavy lull settled into the conversation.

She cleared her throat, “So! Big premiere tonight! Very exciting.”

He smiled. “Yeah I haven’t been on TV  _ for real _ since Horsin Around. After tonight, it’s no more, ‘Hey aren’t you the Horse from Horsin Around?’ It’ll be ‘Hey, aren’t you the horse from Mitch’s Life?’’” He laughs again, but more nervously this time, his anxiety shining through the thin veneer of control he wore like a suit of armor.

She smiles up at him and reaches out to pat his arm, “I’m happy for you Bojack. And hey, for what it’s worth, I always liked the Horse from Horsin Around.”

He looks surprised. “You did?”

Now it’s her turn to laugh, “Of course, everyone did.” She gives him another pat before going inside with everybody else, as the show aired in just five minutes.

He stood alone on the deck for a few more minutes, and just stared out into the valley. Then he took a deep breath, stuffed the rest of his cotton candy into his mouth, and went inside just in time to catch the cold open.

\---

Newspaper and magazine headlines from Fall 2007

BOJACK HORSEMAN SEES CAREER RESURGENCE AS RATINGS SOAR ON CBS DRAMA

THE BOJACK BLESSING? HORSEMAN BRINGS INSTANT POPULARITY TO NEW DRAMA

“MITCH’S LIFE” SET TO BE THIS SEASON’S NUMBER ONE SHOW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) Hi everyone! I'm happy to be posting chapters again! 
> 
> I was excited to post this chapter so I didn't super proofread it but it should be comprehensible. Let me know if there's any big grammar/spelling problems though. This is one of the longer chapters I think so far! Like the other long ones I had to chop it into two lol.
> 
> Next chapter is still set in 2007 and features Sara Lynn!
> 
> And as always, thank you all so much for your kind comments! Knowing that people enjoy this fic and look forward to the updates really keeps me going writing! <3


	22. The Biggest Star in The World Right Now - 2007

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack meets up with an old friend to talk a little about life.

Sarah Lynn orders a margarita at the restaurant and Bojack has to remind himself that she’s an adult now, not the little girl he pictures her as in his mind. She tried to order a salad with no dressing. No dressing.  _ A dry salad.  _ But Bojack managed to convince her to get something with more substance, she had just finished a huge performance for god’s sake!

She was so excited when he showed up to her dressing room, the anxiety in his chest turned to a mixture of relief and warmth when she greeted him. She seemed so high strung these days, but still somehow impossibly friendly and upbeat. Seeing her in person was so jarringly different now, and it made Bojack feel old in a way he didn’t like to think about. 

She took a long sip from her glass and smiled at him, “So! How’re you and Herb doing? I barely hear from you two anymore!” 

He smiled back, “We’re good! Herb’s doing really good, still writing for sitcoms and comedies and stuff. But uh, he’s actually started to get into philanthropy more these days.”

She waved her hand around, “Oh, I know what that’s like. I’ve been doing work with this project, “Doctors Without Posters”.”

Bojack nodded and scratched at his cheek, “Yeah I heard your assistant talking about that back in your dressing room. But uh, the long and short of it is that we’re doing good!” He chuckled, “You wouldn’t even  _ know  _ we were basically blacklisted seven years ago.”

She smiled at him again, but this time it was a little more strained. Something sad flickered behind her eyes before her gaze fell to the rim of her glass. 

“Yeah… I… I’m so sorry about that Bojack.”

He waved his hand dismissively, “Oh please, it was years ago.”

She frowned and traced her finger around the rim of her glass, brushing salt off and onto the table. “Yeah... but I should have done  _ more _ . I could have actually come out in support or  _ something _ .”

He shook his head and frowned, “Oh, come on, don’t do that to yourself Sarah Lynn. You were just a kid then, we didn’t expect you to do anything for us.”

She laughed, “What? A kid? I was  _ sixteen _ !”

“Exactly! You were basically an infant!”

They both laughed loudly, the tension starting to lift from their table to be replaced with comfortable familiarity. Sarahh Lynn wipes a tear from her eye and finally starts to look like she’s relaxing as she sits back in her seat.

“I’m glad to hear Herb’s thriving Bojack. But what about  _ you _ ?”

Bojack leaned his elbows onto the table, “Oh, I guess I’m doing good.” He laughs again, “It feels weird to say that because usually when people ask me how I’m doing the real answer is ‘I’m doing shitty’. But I’m  _ actually _ doing good right now! I’m on this new show,  _ Mitch’s Life _ . I don’t know if you’ve seen it or…?”

She groaned and picked at her fries, “Ugh. I’m so busy with the tour...”

He waved his hands in front of himself with a chuckle, “No yeah, of course. But uh, the ratings are fantastic, and it looks like we’re gonna be greenlit for another season before this one’s even over.”

“That’s awesome! … So what about everything else?”

He cocked an eyebrow at her as he picked up his meatball sub, “What do you mean?”

She rolled her eyes, “Uh, the  _ rest of your life _ ? Like, not just your work stuff? How’s that going? I mean, not to be a bummer again but… you did kinda drop off the face of the earth a couple of years ago.”

“Oh, yeah. That...” He put his food back down without taking a bite. 

She shifted awkwardly in her seat, “I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about... I didn’t mean to bring it back to that again.”

He put his hands out in front him, “No it’s fine, I-”

“It’s just, everyone was worried about you guys. You just sort of stopped being around all of a sudden. Then a couple years went by and it was the same thing.” She busied herself picking the onion off her burger to avoid eye contact. “And you never released a statement or anything, so nobody knew if you were okay or…?”

“Yeah, I mean… things were hard for a while but uh, well. Herb got me to go on antidepressants, and we’ve both been going to therapy since then. W- we’re taking care of ourselves, and each other.”

Sarah Lynn perked up as he explained. Her eyes now fixed entirely on him, instead of pretending the restaurant’s interior design was the most interesting thing in the world. 

She pops a fry into her mouth and asks nonchalantly, “Oh, so you’re on antidepressants? 

“Yeah for a couple years now.” 

She clears her throat lightly, “Do you like, have them on you?”

“... Yeah?”

“... Can I see them?” 

“Uh… sure?” He reached into his jacket pocket and grabbed the familiar orange bottle, sliding it across the table to her. She picked it up and turned it around in her hands a few times, inspecting it.

Bojack cleared his throat, “By the way Sarah Lynn, I uh, well, the truth is that I came to see you for a reason.”

She looks back up at him, almost looking sad as she anticipates his response. “Oh?”

“Yeah uh, I wanted to say, ‘I’m sorry’.”

“Huh?” She straightened up and cocked her head at him. “Why?”

He took a deep breath, “Well, I wanted to apologize for just, the way I was for a good portion of your childhood.”

She chuckled, “Bojack... that was years ago.”

He rubbed at the back of his neck, “Yeah, but it still happened. And I never apologized for it, even though I definitely should have. Also um, I wanted to say, I’m sorry for not keeping in touch with you. Because I should have done that too.”

She didn’t say anything in response, but she was smiling, which was a good sign to Bojack, so he continued.

“And I wanted to... what does my therapist say? Take account of what I have to be grateful for, or something. And I thought, ‘well, what  _ do  _ I have to be grateful for?’.” He leaned back into the booth, “I have Herb, and the house, my career, which is finally starting to pick back up again, thanks to the show. And I thought about the other people in my life, the people I care about, and uh... I thought about how I hadn’t seen  _ you  _ in a long time, and I wanted to change that.”

Sarah Lynn smiled wide at him, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes “Aaaaw! I missed you too Bojack.” She looked back down to the bottle still in her hands. “So, these pills, do they really help you?” 

“Yeah? I think so,” He laughs, “I mean, it's hard to remember the person I was before I started giving a shit about myself, you know? I look back at that old Bojack like, who  _ is  _ this guy?” 

Sarah Lynn tucks a strand of hair behind her ear as she talks, “Were they like, hard to get?” 

“Not really, why?” Sudden concern washes over Bojack as he realizes that her strong interest in the subject is out of place. He leaned closer to her over the table. “D- Do you think you need them?” 

She bites her lip, “I… I don’t know. It’s just like… Do you ever think like, when you’re famous, nobody can really  _ know  _ you? And it’s like all my friends only like me because I’m “Sarah Lynn”. I’ve been doing this  _ industry stuff  _ since I was three, and now I’m twenty three and I…” She trails off and grimaces, sliding the bottle of pills back to Bojack. “Don’t get me wrong, being a world famous popstar is... awesome! I do all these incredible shows that give people this experience that they will  _ never  _ forget. But… sometimes it feels like, I’m a puppet or something you know? Like nobody  _ actually  _ cares, but they like to pretend they do…” 

She laughed bitterly, “Oh and on top of it, my mom started doing this fun thing where she's pointing out  _ every carb I eat _ .” She punctuated her frustration by grabbing the remainder of her fries and squeezing them in her fist.

Bojack stared at her, “Oh, that.. that sounds like a lot.”

She took a deep breath, “It is. But, you know, it’s the sacrifice I make for my fans.”

“But-” He hesitated, afraid to over step a line. “Sarah Lynn, you don't  _ have  _ to make that sacrifice. You have more power and control over your life than you think.”

“But, I mean… my fans-”

“Screw your fans!” Her eyes widen but she says nothing, so he continues, “Trust me, the best thing you can do right now is to separate yourself from this idea that you have to do whatever your fans want with no regard for your own happiness. And while you’re at it, you should separate your  _ finances  _ from your  _ mother _ .” He snorted.

She scoffed, “Oh that’s  _ rich _ , coming from you.”

He jumps a little, shocked, and a bit offended, by her sudden outburst. He furrows his brow at her, “What is  _ that  _ supposed to mean?”

She put on an impression of his voice and made goofy gestures with her hands, “Hey Sarah Lynn, nothing matters but the crowd! Do whatever you need to to stay in the limelight because if you’re good to your fans, they’ll be good to you! And that's all that matters in the end!”

His eyes widened, “When did I say that?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know, like season three?”

He opened his mouth to continue arguing but stopped short of a sharp reply. “... Did I really say that to you?”

She crossed her arms, “Well, I’m paraphrasing but yeah,  _ basically _ .”

Bojack is quiet for a long time, just staring down at his plate and thinking. 

He took a deep breath before he finally spoke, “Sarah Lynn, I know you were just a kid then but… Before rehab, the way I acted, the way I thought, it was…” He brought a hand up to rub at his eyes, “I wasted  _ so many  _ years being miserable, because I thought that it was the only way to be. It takes a long time to realize how unhappy you are, and even longer to see that it doesn’t have to be that way. You have your whole life ahead of you Sarah Lynn. You’ve got to start… living for  _ yourself _ . Not the crowd, cause trust me.” He pressed his hands flat against the table to keep from fidgeting. “I learned a long time ago, that when you measure your self worth against the whims of an audience… you’ll always  _ lose _ .”

She laughed sadly, “...But what would I  _ do?  _ Who would I  _ be  _ if I wasn’t “Popstar Sarah Lynn”?”

He shrugs, “I don’t know. Probably just “Sarah Lynn”... But wouldn’t it be nice to find out?” He smiled at her.

She smiled back and chuckled, “Huh, I guess that’s something to think about…” She picked at her smushed fries, “So, what's going on in your show anyway? Is it like a gritty detective thing? Or like a grizzled PI? Or is it more of a rough and tumble gumshoe scene?”

He laughed, “Pretty sure those are all the same things? But no, it’s more of a... deep look into the psyche of a recovering addict. Cuddlywhiskers, the director, he wants to get a guest star in for a little media flavor though.” He took a bite of his sub, “But we still haven't found the right person yet.”

Sarah Lynn is uncharacteristically quiet as she slowly mixed her ketchup and mayonnaise together with a french fry. “Well… I could do it.”

Bojack nearly chokes on a meatball in shock, sending him into a short coughing fit. “W-What? Oh my god, Sarah Lynn I couldn't ask you to do that! You have so much going on right now.”

She reached across the table and put her hand on top of his, giving it a small squeeze. “Bojack, I  _ want to _ . And it’s like you said,” She smiled at him, “I gotta start living my own life, right?”

\---

Newspaper and magazine headlines from Fall 2007 to Summer 2008:

  
  


SARAH LYNN RETURNS TO TV FOR GUEST ROLE ON HORSEMAN’S “MITCH’S LIFE” 

THOUSANDS TUNE IN TO “MITCH’S LIFE” FRIDAY TO SEE POP STAR SARAH LYNN ACT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 11 YEARS

SARAH LYNN SUDDENLY CANCELS APPEARANCE AT GRAMMYS 

SARAH LYNN BEGINS IMMEDIATE LEGAL SEPARATION FROM MOTHER CAROL HIMMELFARB; ANNOUNCES HIATUS FROM MUSIC TO SHOCKED FANS

POP STAR SARAH LYNN LEGALLY CHANGES NAME TO SARAH-LYNN HIMMELFARB AND ENROLLS IN UCLA ARCHITECTURE PROGRAM FOR SPRING TERM

SARAH-LYNN MARKS CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH BOJACK HORSEMAN AS CATALYST IN DEPARTURE FROM MUSIC; “BOJACK AND HERB ARE LIKE FATHERS TO ME; BOJACK TOLD ME TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE AND NOW I’M DOING IT!”; HORSEMAN OFFERED NO COMMENT

SARAH-LYNN RELEASES HIT SINGLE WHILE STUDYING AT UCLA; “YOU GOTTA SUPPORT THAT FOUNDATION BITCHES (THE CONCRETE SONG)”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew this chapter was a little difficult to write. I had some trouble finding 2007 sarah lynns voice here. And I hope it didn't come off as too, idk soulful? for like a young sarah lynn instead of her older self.
> 
> thank you guys so much for the kind comments!
> 
> Next chapter will finally bring us into season one! Where bojack is trying to write his memoir


	23. Stupid Piece of Shit - 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack has been on antidepressants for 11 years. But when he starts to write his memoir he begins to suspect that they’re impeding his work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: the q slur is used in this chapter.

It was official. Bojack was writing a book. 

It wasn’t just any book though, it was going to be a memoir of his life thus far. From beloved 90’s sitcom dad on Horsin Around, to star of the silver screen in Secretariat, to eponymous lead of cult hit Mitch’s Life, and everything in between. Bojack was going to create a book about all the juicy and intimate details of his life to appease his many fans and launch himself back into the public eye.

That is if he could actually  _ write  _ the damn thing.

So far his writing process had consisted of playing with fonts for hours on end, complaining that the world at large was too distracting, and missing all his deadlines. But his favorite excuse lately had been insisting that his antidepressants made it impossible to write.

He claimed that they created a fog in his memory and deep thought process, which as far as Herb could tell was actually true. But with each complaint, and each whine, and each frustrating and discouraging night Bojack spent locked in battle with his thoughts (and his computer), Herb grew more and more worried.

It had been a battle in itself to get Bojack on antidepressants at all. After he got out of rehab he began going to AA meetings and seeing a therapist at the request of the network, who  _ greatly  _ wanted to avoid another PR disaster. It didn’t take long for the therapist to diagnose Bojack with depression, along with a slew of other mental illnesses, but no matter what they prescribed him, he refused to take  _ anything  _ for  _ years _ .

At first, he complained about arbitrary things, like that he would gain weight and that his skin would break out, and how difficult that would make his career. Then he made excuses about how ‘it wasn’t a good time to start medication’ because he was too busy working on Horsin Around, and then on Secretariat.  _ Then  _ he claimed that there was no point in taking antidepressants at all because he had “poison inside him” since the day he was born, and it would never go away no matter what.

Herb didn’t want to let it go, he really didn’t, but things hadn’t exactly reached any kind of breaking point then. Their jobs kept them busy enough, and successful, and Bojack got away with his stalling and complaining for a couple more years.

Unfortunately, as soon as he and Herb were publicly outed,  _ nobody  _ wanted to work with them anymore. Bojack’s depression took another nosedive after things were finally starting to look up for him. Soon Herb found the horse confined to the couch, eating junk food and watching reruns of Horsin Around and Secretariat for days on end. But through a series of discussions between the two, Herb got to understand the root of what Bojack was really afraid of. The answer was so obvious he wanted to kick himself for not realizing it sooner. 

Bojack was afraid of pills.

The _ last time _ he had been taking pills up till then, they were the drugs that he was abusing. The drugs that made him overdose. He was afraid to start taking medication because he wasn’t sure if he could trust himself. 

Still, Herb had to put his foot down, and he managed to get Bojack to at least  _ try  _ the medication. 

The difference was amazing. 

Bojack became more emotionally stable than he had been in years, and he even agreed to go back to seeing a therapist regularly. Not long after, he signed some new contracts and was working again too. He had his good days and his bad days,but he was more outgoing and confident than he had been in years. Everything seemed like it was going to be alright for them.

Until now. 

The stress of failing to write his memoir had worked Bojack into a frenzy. And he seemed certain that it was his antidepressants that were the sole issue preventing him from being a successful writer. 

It was another night of Herb fixing dinner alone, while Bojack struggled against his own mind in his office. When he finally came out to eat he immediately started a rant of non stop complaining about his writing progress, or lack thereof, and blamed the number of ‘fonts these days’ for ten minutes. But when he shifted gears to his antidepressants for the millionth time, Herb had finally had enough.

He cleared his throat sharply, interrupting his husband’s ranting, “Hey, you remember that thing we talked about?”

Bojack played stupid, “About wether or not I should invest in cryptocurrency?”

Herb rolled his eyes, “No BJ, not that. About you hiring a  _ ghostwriter _ ? Don’t you think that would be a better option than stopping your  _ prescription medication _ , just to write a damn book?” Herb made no attempt to keep the irritation out of his voice.

Bojack threw his head back and groaned dramatically. “Heeeeerb! I’m telling you, I don’t  _ need _ a ghostwriter! I can do this myself!” 

Herb pointed at him with his fork, “Yeah, you keep saying that. But you also keep missing your deadlines.”

“But, I am making  _ great  _ progress!”

“BJ. The walls in your office aren’t as thick as you think they are. I can hear you in there, and trust me, as an outside observer? You’re making shit progress.”

Bojack crossed his arms and pouted. “... Well now you’re just being mean.”

Herb sighed. “ _ I’m _ being realistic, and  _ you’re _ being stubborn. And if you don’t hire a ghostwriter yourself, the publisher is gonna do it  _ for  _ you. Take this chance to pick someone you like, and for the love of  _ god  _ please don’t go off your meds.  _ Please? _ ” 

“... _ Fine _ , I’ll think about it.” The horse begrudgingly accepted. 

And then Bojack went off his meds.

\---

A week later Herb came home one night to find a disturbingly familiar sight waiting for him. Bojack, sitting in the same spot he was when Herb left. But, rather than rewatching episodes of Horsin Around in a daze, he's glued to his laptop, sitting in bed. 

Herb shook off his unease and chalked it up to coincidence as he entered their bedroom.Clearing his throat he approached Bojack, “Hey Baby. How was your day?” 

Bojack looked up from his laptop and furrowed his brow, “... What do you mean?”

Herb mimicked his expression, “Your day? How was it? Did you look for a ghostwriter, like we talked about?” He turned around to get his pajama pants out of the dresser as he waited for an answer. 

Bojack looked out the window and froze, seeing himself greeted with a dark sky full of stars where only moments before he could’ve sworn it was daylight. The day was over in what seemed like a second, and it shot a powerful streak of anxiety through him like a bullet.

His voice came out in a confused whimper, and he started to curl into himself in fear. “Oh, is it night already? I- I was just sitting here… thinking my thoughts… ”

Herb looked over his shoulder just in time to catch a sight so shocking that it made him drop his clothes. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw Bojack cry in front of him, but there he was, sitting in bed just a couple feet away, and full on  _ sobbing _ .

He shook off his surprise quickly and rushed to Bojack’s side, pulling the larger man into a hug as best he could. “BJ! Oh my god, what’s the matter?”

Bojack choked out a sob as Herb’s arms wrapped around him, “I- I don’t know, I just-” 

Suddenly he shot into a rigid upright position, and clamped his hands over his mouth with a grunt. He shoved Herb to the side and made a mad dash to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. The telltale sounds of retching is all the clue Herb needs to tell what’s happening inside. 

He went to stand by the bathroom door and waited for the sounds to end, knocking lightly once he heard the toilet flush, “BJ? Baby? You alright in there?”

There’s no response save for a sniffle, followed by a grunt and the sounds of a middle-aged horse struggling to get up off the floor. Bojack opened the door and brushed past Herb without looking at him, his arms wrapped around himself tightly.

“It’s fine. I got it in the toilet.”

Herb stood there, dumbfounded by what just happened. “Wh- BJ that’s not really my concern right now!”

“Well, it would be if I didn’t.” He said, crawling into bed and pulling his computer back into his lap like nothing happened. His eyes flicked up to meet Herb's nervously before he looked away again. “It’s fine, I’m fine. It’s probably just… something I ate.”

Herb fidgeted at the edge of the bed. “Okay, um, so what did you eat today?”

Bojack stared at his screen and said nothing. The creeping realization that he probably hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast doing nothing to help his nerves, or the growing headache he felt spreading through his skull.

“BJ?” 

“Herb, I’m okay.”

Herb stands by the bed, and Bojack sits with his computer, and neither of them budge, both waiting for the other to make a move first and break the tension in the room. Bojack rubbed at his eyes as Herb walked over to his side of the bed. His hands reached out to the laptop and the horse yanked it away from him before he could even touch it, making the other man jump.

“Herb,  _ no _ . I need to work! I barely got anything done today!”

Concern was thoroughly etched into Herb’s face as he gently tried to talk him down. “The day’s over BJ. And you just broke down into tears and threw up from what I think is _probably_ stress. Maybe it’s time you rest, the book will still be there tomorrow Hun.”

A snappy response was right on the tip of Bojack’s tongue. But as soon as it came to him, so did the overwhelming exhaustion of a whole day spent wound tighter than a spring, and his body went limp with a heavy sigh. He relented and allowed Herb to carefully close the screen and take his laptop from him. He put it away and gently pushed on Bojack’s chest to get him to lie down. 

“Just take a break from the book for tonight, alright?” Herb kissed him on his forehead. “Get some rest, you’ll feel better in the morning.”

Bojack just grunted softly, closing his eyes and feeling Herb pull the covers over him. The next thing he knew, he was out.

\---

_ Stupid piece of shit.  _

Bojack wakes up from a restless sleep to a nasty little voice in his head that he hasn’t heard from in a long time.

_ You’re a real stupid piece of shit you know that? And even if you know you’re a piece of shit, that still makes you just as bad as all the people who don’t know they’re pieces of shit. Or maybe you’re worse? Breakfast. _

He groans and sits up, whether or not he really is a piece of shit he sure feels like it. He has a headache that sticks around well into the morning, even berating him for his breakfast of toast and coffee.

_ What the hell is this? You call this a balanced breakfast you stupid oaf? Get something more filling. Oh you think you deserve a big breakfast fat ass? Eat your stupid toast. _

He groans and rubs at his temples as Herb gets ready for his day around him. 

“BJ, do you feel any better today?”

Ugh. Was that Herb? His voice sounded so far away, like it was coming through a fog.

“BJ? Baby?”

Bojack’s headache was pounding, and Herb’s voice only added to it.

“Bojack-”

“ _ What! _ ? What, what do you want!?” He suddenly snapped at him.

Herb jumped back and glared at him, “Christ, nothing! I was just asking if you’re feeling okay. Don’t bite my head off!”

All Bojack can do is snort angrily in response and take another big sip of his coffee.

Herb scoffed as he put his laptop into his bag and slung it over his shoulder. “ _ Someone _ didn’t sleep well.”

Bojack managed to grumble out something that sounded like an apology and Herb frowned, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“ _ Do _ you feel any better?”

Bojack took a deep breath and exhaled slowly through his nose. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I guess I just… was stressing myself out too much on the book last night.”

Herb rubbed his shoulder. “ _ So _ …?”

He sighed. “I’ll take it easy today.”

Herb leaned in closer. “ _ And… _ ?”

Bojack threw his head back and groaned loudly. “ _ And _ I’ll look into getting a ghostwriter.”

Herb smiled and kissed him on the cheek, “Thank you. I’ll be home at six.”

Bojack hummed and returned the kiss before the other man left. Once the front door closed behind Herb, Bojack drained his coffee. Pushing the empty mug to the side, he grabbed his laptop and stretched in preparation as he booted it up. 

“Here we go. ‘Bout to make the magic happen. Here comes the  _ focus _ .”

He cleared his throat and read aloud as he began his typing.

“I was born in 1964 in San Francisco, the only child of my parents Beatrice and Butterscotch….”

_ … I wonder what Herb’s thinking about right now. Probably what a dumb stupid piece of shit you are. How he has to baby you all the time because you can barely take care of yourself... _

He groaned and rubbed at his eyes before continuing.

“My parents loved me so much it was  _ crazy…….  _ Actually, they were pretty much unsupportive in anything I ever pursued. Soccer, choir, acting, you  _ name it. _ NEVERMIND! I grew up in San Francisco because my parents, who never cared about me, moved there when they found out my mom, who always said I was a terrible son and a mistake, was pregnant.”

“ _ You call yourself a son? More like a living monument to disappointing your parents. _ ”

There was the voice again. But this time it kind of sounded like….. Mom? Bojack shook his head, and all of a sudden, his mother’s distorted figure was looming above him.

“All the sacrifices we made, so that you could turn out like  _ this _ . Falling apart over a silly little book. It takes a real narcissist to think that anyone wants to read a book about them.”

His father’s gruff voice rose from the darkness, joining her, “Some son, we shoulda known something was wrong when you said you wanted to go into acting, I didn’t raise you to be a  _ queer _ .”

Bojack could barely contain the rage bubbling inside him at that, and could almost feel his body explode outward.

_You barely raised me at all!_ _I just want to write my book! I just can’t..._

His father shook his head, disgusted, and got right in his face, “What’s wrong with your head Bojack? Why can't you  _ focus _ ? It took me  _ decades to _ write  _ my  _ novel. You think you can make something better in a year? I can see the headline now: Bojack Horseman; idiot son of Butterscotch Horseman, writes shitty book, colon,  _ no one cares! _ ”

Bojack could feel his hands shake as he desperately tried to type.

“I- I’m 15 years old. I live in San Francisco. I got drunk at a party and made fun of a girl I think I liked?”

The far away sounds of Katie crying ring through his ears.

“I can’t really remember??? REDO THIS PART. Anyway then I go home and my parents are real assholes to me-”

His mother appeared suddenly and grabbed him by the arm roughly, just like she used to when he was a kid. She sneered at him, her voice booming, “ _ Were _ we? Or did you  _ deserve it? _ ”

He felt a pit of emptiness grow within him and spread to his edges.

_ I deserved it… But you were still terrible parents! _

She snorted, “Give  _ one  _ example of me being a bad mother.”

_ Okay! How about when Herb and I were outed and you never talked to me again? _

She laughed, one of the rarest and cruelest sounds Bojack’s ever heard, “That’s the best you can do? We hadn’t talked for  _ years  _ before that. And why would anyone want to talk to  _ you  _ anyway?” 

His father appeared from the darkness, scotch in hand and the permanent scowl he always wore etched on his face. “You know what your problem is? You blame everyone else for your problems. But  _ you’re the one constant. _ ”

His parents grew into huge terrifying figures above him, as the inky darkness started to surround him. His mother scoffed, “You destroy everything you touch, me, your father, your career, and it’ll happen to that little “ _ husband”  _ of yours too one day.” She spit the word out like it’s poison in her mouth. 

_ T- that's not true.  _

_ Or is it? _

**_It is isn’t it?_ **

The two older horses disappeared into the blackness around them. Beatrice’s voice echoing, mocking him. “Always remember what I told you Bojack. Nothing you do will  _ ever  _ make you whole.”

He felt the overwhelming darkness taking hold of him, suffocating him. 

“You’re Bojack Horseman, and there’s no cure for that.”

Bojack shouted, “You’re right!”, barely registering that the words had actually come out of his mouth. He leaned heavily over the table and gasped for air. He can hear the front door open and Herb step into the living room behind him. 

_ Is it night time already? What the hell was that? That’s a day you’ll never get back you  _ **_stupid goddamn piece of-_ **

“BJ!” Herb dropped his bag and rushed over to him. “Are you okay?”

The horse struggled through his increasing panic to explain himself, “There is a heaviness, on my throat,” He brought his hands to grasp weakly at his neck, “and I feel like I’m  _ drowning _ .”

“Hey,” He felt Herb’s hand on his arm but couldn’t bear to look at him, “Talk to me. Tell me what’s been going on.”

Bojack choked out a sob, “I stopped taking my meds.”

Herb tightened his grip in shock, “What!? Why?”

Bojack whipped around and shouted, “Because I’m  _ terrible!  _ I’m a stupid piece of shit and I deserve this! _ ”  _ He hunched himself back over the table and cried into his hands.

Herb’s chest tightened in fear and he struggled to find his voice. “B- BJ, you are  _ not _ -”

“I want, to  _ die! _ ” Bojack slammed his fists onto the table making Herb jump. He sobbed as he stood and started to pace around his office. “It’s _ so much _ worse than before.”

“Baby, you’re going through withdrawal.”

He nervously ran his hands through his mane, knotting his fingers in it and pulling. “Do I just have to be on drugs  _ forever _ now?  _ How  _ am I gonna finish my book?”

Herb quickly closed the distance between them. “Forget about that!”

Bojack was shaking as he wrung his hands. “I can’t! It’s the only thing that matters.”

Herb grabbed a hold of the larger man’s shoulders to. “You know that’s not true.”

He sniffled and rubbed his wrist across his nose, “I… I know. I’m sorry Herb, I’m so sorry.”

Herb gently squeezed his hands on Bojack’s shoulders, pulling him a little closer, “It's okay, big guy, it’s okay. Just go back to taking your meds, and when you even out, we can talk about trying something different.”

Bojack’s lip quivered as he shakily nodded his head, “Okay, okay…. I just, I just want …. I want to be a good person.” He sniffled and pulled Herb into a tight, desperate embrace.

\---

Herb knocked lightly on the doorframe as he enters the bedroom, a mug of tea in hand. “How’re you feeling Baby?”

Bojack groaned as he sat up in bed, “Mmm… A little better today...” He rubbed at the back of his neck with one hand and took the tea from Herb with the other. “Listen I’m.... Sorry about… everything, with me lately.”

Herb sat on the edge of the bed next to him, “Well, I can’t say I’m thrilled that you went off your meds when I very specifically asked you not to.” Bojack winced at his response, shame washing over him for not the first time since he had recovered from his withdrawal breakdown. 

“I really am sorry… ”

“I know BJ.” Herb sighed, “And I’m glad you’re okay.”

Bojack shook his head. “I let the stress of the book get to me... I can’t keep pushing myself like this.”

Herb sat up straighter, looking hopeful. “Yeah?”

“Yeah... I should just call Pinky and tell him I need more time, right?”

Herb stared at him silently for a moment. “...So Pinky sent over this woman’s business card ”

Bojack practically deflated, he knew it was gonna be a long shot to get Herb to give him another chance to write the book himself. He groaned, still unwilling to commit to a ghostwriter, but too tired to put up a genuine fight about it anymore. 

“Herb...”

Herb placed a firm hand on his leg and passed him the card, “Her name is Diane Nguyen. Remember when you bought that book about Secretariat four years ago and you kept saying you were gonna read it but then you never did so I read it instead and just told you about it?”

“... I remember.”

Herb pointed at the card in Bojack’s hands, “She wrote that.”

Bojack turns the card over in his hands, barely gleaning any information from it. “Herb, this book is really important to me. I don’t want to just hand it off to some stranger.”

“If it’s so important then why have you made zero progress in almost five months?”

Bojack ran a hand down his face and groaned in annoyance before looking back at Herb. “Do I have a choice in this anymore?”

“No.” Herb deadpanned. 

He crossed his arms, “ _ Fine _ . Then get ready to have a total stranger hanging around all the time.”

Herb scooted closer to the horse. “Well, she  _ won’t  _ be a total stranger, because we were invited to a party Friday night, and she’s gonna be there.”

Bojack wrinkled up his nose.

He reaches out to cup his face in his hand. “BJ. I need you to promise me you’ll at least  _ talk  _ to her.”

“I promise...” The horse grumbled childishly.

Herb leaned over and wrapped his arms around the other man. Squeezing tighter when he felt the hug reciprocated. 

“Thank you.”

Bojack hummed, “Just call and make sure there’s no cotton candy machines this time? I can’t control myself around those things.”

Herb chuckled and kissed his cheek, “Sure thing big guy.”

\---

“Herb… Is this a quinceanera?” Bojack asked around a mouthful of cotton candy.

Herb and took another sip of his beer. “Todd kind of pretended it wasn’t, but yeah, it definitely is.”

They milled around in the backyard at Mr. Peanutbutter’s house bouncing between conversation with the family and friends of some girl named Christina, random people seemingly invited off the street, and the obscure famous person or two. They had only been at the party for twenty minutes, but Bojack was well prepared to leave any second.

“Oh, there’s Diane Ngyuen!” Herb pointed across the yard to a vietnamese woman in a green jacket standing alone by some bushes, smoking a cigarette. 

Bojack frowned and stuffed the rest of his cotton candy into his mouth. “Uh, maybe not right now, y’know, maybe I should go inside and uh, grab another churro.”

Herb grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “BJ no, this is the perfect time. I’m gonna go get another drink, go introduce yourself.” 

Bojack sighed as Herb disappeared inside the house. He shuffled around a bit near the patio, trying to work up the nerve to approach her. But before he could, he felt a hand clap onto his shoulder.

“Bojack!”

He turned to find himself face to face with the one and only annoying yellow labrador in his life.

_ Oh good lord. _

“Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter.”

“Can you believe this, the two of us in the same house? Is this a crossover episode?”

Bojack rolled his eyes and the labrador laughed, playfully punching him in the arm. “Nah, I’m just kidding around man. Seriously though, how are you?”

“Well, I’ve actually been under a lot of stress over my-”

“Living the dream huh?” He laughs again and Bojack wills himself to not make a scene by throwing his soda in his face. Instead, Mr. Peanutbutter throws his arm around the horse’s shoulder and leans in close to him.

“Hey, we’ll catch up later alright? Don’t go anywhere, I want to talk to  _ you _ .”

He spins around and immediately slips right back into the crowd of people inside his house without a second thought. 

Bojack sighs and plops himself down on a piece of patio furniture far away from everyone else. He wasn’t a huge fan of parties. Not only did they give him anxious memories of his past addictions, seriously, he couldn’t remember a  _ single _ party he’d been to in the last ten years that he hadn’t done something stupid at. But he just wasn’t a social person in general. When he found people he could halfway tolerate, he sunk his nails in deep and didn’t let go. So far that had earned him… like five friends.

He slumped down in the chair and stared up at the dimly lit LA sky, where a few strong stars managed to twinkle through the light pollution. Something about that was profoundly sad. Bojack figured there might be a metaphor somewhere in there, but he didn’t want to think too hard about it. Maybe he’d save it for his book.

He heard the sound of footsteps on the concrete approaching him and looked to see Diane Ngyuen herself standing next to him.

She did a little wave. “Hey, Bojack, right? Bojack Horseman?”

“Oh, yeah that’s me.” He sat up, “I- I’m sorry, I don’t want to mispronounce your name.”

She smiled, “It’s Diane.”

He laughed, embarrassed but still appreciating the joke. “Oh! Diane, right!”

She sat down in the chair across from him. “Hey, thanks for coming to the party. Sorry I haven’t been mingling too much, I get kind of awkward at parties.”

Bojack perked up a little. “Oh. Why’s that?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know, I guess parties make me anxious, in a real  _ broad  _ sense. And then I look around and it’s like, ‘Hey, look at that guy. He’s having fun! So why aren't I?’”

He looks around the backyard, “What guy?”

“Oh, there is no guy. It’s just, you know, a guy!”

Bojack nods, only half understanding. “Oh right! A guy.”

“I’m probably overthinking it because I never got any practice because I never got invited to any parties in high school,” Her cheeks turn a little red with the realization that she might be oversharing. “But what am I even talking about? You don’t care about any of that, shut up Diane!”

She laughs awkwardly, “I’m a big fan, I used to watch your show all the time when I was a kid.” 

They both hear shouting and laughter coming from the house and look to see Mr. Peanutbutter carrying on happily inside, a crowd of people around him.

Bojack groans when he catches sight of the labrador. “ _ Ugh _ . My husband “forgot” to tell me this party was at Mr. Peanutbutter’s.”

She cocked an eyebrow at him, “Oh?”

"He was on this stupid sitcom called “Mr. Peanutbutter’s House”, the one about a dog who adopts three human children?" He crosses his arms and glares in his direction. "What a stupid idea for a TV show." 

He slides down in his chair, crossing his arms and looking away from Diane, back towards the skies. “He’s so stupid he doesn’t realize how miserable he should be.”

Diane shoots him a concerned look, “... Why’s that?”

Bojack throws up his hands, “He hasn’t even been in anything  _ big  _ since that show! And even then, that stupid sitcom was just a knock off of my husband’s. And he just keeps doing these crappy little projects that don’t even matter, and he hasn’t even won an oscar. So why does he get to have everything in his life go right?”

She stared at him, “I feel like that might be more about you than him?”

Bojack frowned and looked away.

“You’re actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do whatever you want. You’re responsible for your own happiness right?”

“Good lord that’s depressing...”

She snorted, “What? No it’s not!”

He sat up and grimaced, “Yeah it is!  _ I’m _ responsible for my own happiness? I can barely be responsible for my own breakfast! The other day I had a coffee and some toast, then I forgot to eat anything else for the rest of the day. And  _ I’m  _ supposed to be in charge of my own happiness on top of that?”

She laughs, “Well, what would make you happy?”

“Finishing my memoir I guess...” He says as he sits back up.

She laughs, “Is that all? I can help with that!”

He perks up, “Really? I mean, would you even want to? You’d have to spend a lot of time with me. You’d probably get sick of me.”

“I don’t think that’s gonna happen.” She smiled at him.

He smiled back, “No?”

She laughed. “No, Bojack.”

“Okay. Well, then I guess you’re hired! Just don’t put in all that stuff about how I’m sad.”

She waves her hand playfully, “Oh, that doesn’t count, we weren't on the clock yet.”

“Right, you’re only my ghostwriter startiiiiiiiiiiiing now!”

An annoyingly familiar voice calls from the other side of the patio, “Bojack!”

Bojakc drags a hand down his face, “Ugh. This guy...”

Mr Peanutbutter siddles up beside Diane and wraps his arm around her waist. “Hey buddy! I see you’ve met my beautiful girlfriend here, Diane Ngyuen!”

Bojack swore he could hear a glass breaking inside the house in the abrupt silence that followed. He waved his hands around infront of him, “Woah woah woah woah woah, you two are  _ dating _ ?”

Diane chuckled, “Yep.”

“Huh.” Bojack felt his brain shut down at that new information, and he stared out into space for a second. Suddenly, he felt the cruel return of the ten cones of cotton candy he had had since arriving at the party threatening the back of his throat.

He bent over into the fire pit and barfed up a mountain of pink vomit, to the disgusted groans of Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter. He continued to throw up for a concerningly long amount of time, and each time he thought he was finished, he’d find himself hacking up more.

Mr. Peanutbutter rubbed the back of his neck akwardly, “Should we… go get Herb?”

Bojack spits into the bushes, “No, no it’s okay. This is… fine.” He sniffles, “Hey Diane?”

“Yeah?”

He coughs, “... Starting now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahjdchvbjlsdfh this bad boy was a long one, no wonder im sick of looking at it lol.
> 
> next chapter should see sara lynn again! 
> 
> (from now on the story will roughly follow the timeline of the show.)


	24. Muffin - 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack invites Sarah-Lynn over to help him with the Horsin Around years of his book.

“Uneventful.”

Diane blinks. “What?”

Bojack shakes off his daze, “Oh, huh?”

“I asked you if you were close with your father and you sat there in silence for five minutes and then said “uneventful”.”

The horse stands up from the couch and puts his hands on his hips, “You know what? This is a really good conversation, and I definitely want to keep having it. But I just can’t stop thinking about this  _ muffins  _ thing...” He chuckles nervously, “So maybe we could put a pin in this thorough deconstruction of my past, so I can put that  _ other thing  _ to bed before it spirals out of control.”

Diane‘s eyes light up with an idea and she takes her chance to jump on that comment.

“You know what would be  _ great  _ for a thorough deconstruction of your past?”

\---

The first thing Diane notices is that she doesn’t knock, or ring the doorbell, she just lets herself in, and Herb doesn’t seem to mind at all.

She sighs loudly and dramatically as she steps through the threshold, bumping the front door closed with her hip.

“Hello! Yes, it is me! Sarah-Lynn! Renowned architect, world-famous pop star, beloved child actress. Right here in  _ your  _ living room!” She raises her arm to shield her face and drops her bag onto the couch. “Please, no flash photography!”

Herb laughs and crosses the living room to greet her with a hug. “You don’t have to say that  _ every time  _ you visit y’know.”

“Sure I do.” She replies as she happily returns the hug.

Herb turns and shouts up the stairs, “BJ, Sarah-Lynn’s here about your book!”

She puts her hands on her hips and cocks her head to the side. “Huh? What book?”

Herb frowns, “He didn’t tell you?” 

She shakes her head, making her earrings jangle. “Nope, he didn’t tell me anything about any  _ book _ . Just asked me to come over for a visit.”

“Ugh,” He rolls his eyes, “That is  _ so like _ him. Well, I’ll let him explain in a minute.” He gestures to the kitchen island, “Come on, sit.”

Sarah-Lynn goes to sit at the bar countertop, but stops when she realizes that there’s actually another person in the room other than Herb and herself. A stranger with glasses and a laptop, that she’s almost 99.9% positive she’s never seen in Herb and Bojack’s house before.

“Oh! Uh, hey. Who are you?”

She offers up a smile. “Hi! I’m- ”

Just then Bojack comes galloping down the stairs. He’s all smiles when he spots her, and makes a beeline for the young pop star/architect.

“Sarah-Lynn!”

She matches his energy. “Bojack!”

They share a warm hug and he squeezes her tight, “It’s been a while! Thanks for making time to come over Muffin.”

She scoffs and waves her hand, “Hey, I can  _ always  _ make time for my TV Dads.”

Diane lifts an eyebrow and discreetly writes something down on her notepad.

Herb laughs as he grabs some mugs out of the cabinet. “You want a cup of coffee Kiddo?”

She slides onto the barstool next to Diane with a sigh. “That’d be great, thanks.”

Bojack practically beams at her as Herb gets the machine started, “So! How are things?”

“ _ Ugh.  _ Shitty!” She throws her sunglasses down on the counter and leans forward on crossed arms. “All these dumbshits in the construction business want is the  _ novelty  _ of having “Popstar Sarah-Lynn” being the head of their design team. But then they don’t  _ trust  _ me enough to actually  _ design  _ their goddamn buildings!” She groans, “And on top of that my last few albums were  _ flops _ with a capital  _ fuck _ .”

Bojack frowns, “Oh… I’m sorry to hear that.”

She sighs and rubs at her temples, “It’s cool, I’m cool… It’s just like, it took me _twice_ as long to get my damn degree because my manager _insisted_ I keep releasing music while I was studying. And now I _have_ it and it means _nothing_ to anybody else…. And did you _see_ that spot on Excess Hollywood with Sextina Aquafina?! It’s total _bullshit_ , she wouldn’t even _have_ a career without _me!_ ” She smacks her hands onto the counter, fuming. 

Diane nods sympathetically, “I get what you mean. You trying to be this  _ ideal version  _ of yourself that can be both a respected designer and singer at the same time. But when you split yourself down the middle like that. You feel like you just end up with two  _ worst  _ versions of yourself, and you never get to know what it feels like to be a fully present person in either world. And on top of that, you’ll spend  _ so much _ time trying to make yourself easily consumable as a celebrity that you end up being completely objectified and commodified by your own fans. And when you try to branch out and become a well-rounded individual, it’s denied and downright  _ fought against _ by the world at large. So it always feels like a losing battle for your own soul.”

Diane finishes her reflection on the restricting pattern of fame and a silence swallows up all sound between the four adults. The only sound is the gurgling of the coffee maker as it finishes brewing a pot. Sarah-Lynn stares at Diane, then gives her a once over, from top to bottom, before turning her attention back to Herb and Bojack.

“Uh… Who’s this?”

Herb and Bojack exchange a worried look while Diane smiles nervously at her, “Oh, um, hello! Sorry, I guess I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Diane! I’m helping Bojack write his memoir.”

Sarah-Lynn’s eyes widen, “Memoir? You’re writing a memoir?”

The horse puffs out his chest in pride. “Yep! That’s actually why I asked you to come over. Diane nad I were wondering if you’d like to be a part of the book? Y’know, you could talk about being on Horsin Around with me and stuff like that.”

She shakes her head slowly. “Oh. Yeah sure, that sounds cool.” She scratches at her hand, “A memoir, wow. That’s- so how's that been going? Did you just start or?”

Bojack’s smile falters, “Oh, well… I’ve actually been working on it for a couple of months. It was slow going for a while.” He rubs at the back of his neck. “Y’know, it's a little hard to remember everything from before… Well just from before y’know?”

Herb pats him on the back. “ _ But _ he’s been making some  _ great  _ progress lately.”

He smiles, “Yeah! And Diane’s been helping me as my ghostwriter for a couple of weeks now. So we’re really getting into it now.”

She frowns, “Whose Diane?”

Diane meekly raises her hand, “Uh me? We just met like a minute ago?”

Sarah-Lynn laughs nervously, “Oh! Right right right.”

Herb passes her a mug of coffee and frowns sympathetically. “Oh hey, I heard about your break up with Andrew Garfield. I’m sorry about that Kiddo.”

Diane makes a face, “Yeah… I heard about the furniture store on the news. So are they going to rebuild after the fire or-?”

“ _ Anyway _ !” Sarah-Lynn interjects loudly, rolling her eyes dramatically, as if the conversation had simply turned boring and not as if it had redirected to reference her recent arson charges. Turning to Bojack she forces a smile. “Hey. I heard about  _ your  _ big muffin thing on the news huh? Aren’t we here to talk about you? Let’s talk about that!” 

Herb cringes and waves his hands around. “No, no no no. We aren’t going to be talking about that anymore. Bojack apologized and gave the asshole some muffins. So we’re gonna put the  _ whole thing _ behind us now.”

She laughs and turns to Diane, “Oh my god,  _ please  _ tell me you’re gonna write about all the times on Horsin’ Around when Bojack would pick fights with the writers just because he didn’t get any of the jokes?”

Herb cringes, remembering just how much he and Bojack would fight back then over even small script changes back then.

Bojack laughs nervously, “I- well, I don’t know if we need to put  _ that  _ in the book. Right, Diane?”

“... Well-”

“ _ Yep _ ! That sounds like a story we can leave out.” He laughs again, “Uh, what do you two say we go up to my office and do some good old-fashioned reminiscing huh?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter! This chapter and the next were getting too big for google docs to work with so I had to scoop off a couple hundred words into here lol.
> 
> Also wow! For some reason there's been a sudden boom in interest in this fic, I've been getting lots of comments and kudos even though it's been a hot minute since I updated. Thank you everyone! I was working on a comic for about a month and a half and now I'm back to working on this fic way more often. I should be updating more for a while bc I'm gonna take a break from starting big new projects until the holidays are over.
> 
> I hope in the next chapter and this one Sarah-Lynn will come off the way I'm trying to write her? Like way more well-adjusted than canon Sara Lynn, but still wrapped up in the bullshit of Hollywood and sort of nearing the end of her rope. She's still mega-famous and struggling with the public's increasing disinterest in her and it's causing some cracks to form in her foundation. So she's still kind of bratty pop star-esque, but with a little more self awareness sprinkled in.
> 
> The next chapter will continue with Sarah-Lynn, Bojack, and Diane working on the book.


	25. Prickly Muffin - 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah-Lynn and Bojack reminisce until things take a turn for the worst and resentment creeps in.

Sarah-Lynn throws her head back and laughs loudly, “I didn’t even  _ know _ how to write my name! I just drew a squiggle.” She mimics writing in the air with a snort.

“The second time it’s an obligation, the third time it’s a chore. But that first time?” She sighs, “It’s really something special.”

Bojack laughs. “Who asks a three-year-old for their autograph?”

She shakes her head, “I don’t know! It’s crazy the stuff you remember, even when you’re that young...” She gets quiet and looks far off into space for a second. Suddenly she sits up quickly on the office couch and grins. “Do you remember that time you almost got into a fistfight with that gaffer because you banged his wife?”

Bojack cringes hard, and Diane notices the way his hands grip the armrests on his chair.

“Heh heh, I don’t ah, actually remember that one no… “ He frowns sadly, “But, I believe that it happened...”

This reunion wasn’t working like Diane had hoped it would. She appreciated the way Sarah-Lynn was helping Bojack to open up more about the past. But every time she brought up a bad memory, she could almost  _ see _ the horse receding further into himself with shame and guilt. 

She cleared her throat, “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Maybe I should get some one on one time with Sarah-Lynn for the book. I mean, I should interview the girl who played your TV daughter for nine years right?”

Bojack lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Oh, y- yeah! Yeah that sounds like a great idea! What do you think Sarah-Lynn?”

She purses her lips and slouches back onto the couch. “Yeah, okay sure.”

He stands up abruptly, “Great! I’m gonna go get some snacks.” He waves goodbye before closing the door. “Call me when you’re done!”

\---

“So like, do you hang out with them a lot?”

Diane nods, “Yeah, I mean, it’s kind of my job. Sometimes Bojack will tell me stories, or rant about his opinions on things. Sometimes I just follow him around while he’s running errands. It's amazing what you can learn about a person when they let their guard down.” She smiles knowingly. “And well, it’s no secret Bojack loves to talk about himself.”

Sarah-Lynn lies back on the couch and rolls her eyes. “I know right? Sometimes I just laugh when he’s talking to me so he’ll leave me alone.” She lolls her head to the side to look at Diane. “Doesn’t that get kind of boring? Just following someone else around?”

She shakes her head. “No, not really. And hey, I’m glad to spend the time working out of the house. My boyfriend is having this article written about him for Buzzfeed. Oh and fun fact, the guy whose writing it is my  _ ex- _ boyfriend.”

Sarah-Lynn laughs, “Holy crap that sounds like it sucks.”

Diane groans, “It  _ does _ . Oh, but on the bright side, the kid we let sleep on our couch, Todd, has started working on his rock opera in earnest again. So at least the house isn't  _ incredibly loud all the time _ .” She looks embarrassed as she realizes she’s gotten off track. “But enough about me, we’re here to talk about  _ you _ . And your relationship with Bojack.”

She clears her throat, “Okay so, the obvious question first. What was it like growing up on the set of  _ Horsin Around _ ?”

Sarah-Lynn inspects her nails as she lounges across the couch, seemingly losing all interest in conversion now that the focus has shifted back onto her. “Oh, you know...”

Diane purses her lips, “Not really? I mean… You were three when the show started right? And you were thirteen when it ended. So, what was it like having the most important learning and growing years of your life spent acting on a sitcom?”

She just shrugs, not even bothering with a verbal response anymore.

“What about Bojack? You didn’t have a father in your life growing up, was Bojack the only consistent paternal figure you had?”

Sarah-Lynn is quiet for a second, getting Diane’s hopes up as she seemed to actually be thinking about the question for once.

“He wasn't the only father figure in my life, what about Herb?”

Diane sat up straighter in her chair, “Oh! Did you see them  _ both  _ as strong figures in your developmental years?”

She snorts, “Of course I did! It’s like you said, Horsin Around started when I was  _ three _ . I had no dad, no siblings, no friends, and my mom…” She waves her hand in the air with a grimace. “Y’know….. Anyway, Herb would always reach out to me on set and make sure I was doing okay. He always wanted the cast to be like a sort of family. And we kinda were? For like, a  _ year _ . Then Bojack started drinking... And not just on set either, like _ all the time _ .”

“That must have been very confusing for you.”

“It was! He would like, come onto set all nice and happy in the morning, then by lunchtime, he would get really  _ loud  _ and  _ demanding _ . Then he started getting really  _ nasty  _ to people. Did he tell you about the time he screamed at a stagehand because he brought him a room-temp Caprisun?”

Diane coughed, “We can circle back to that later. What about Herb? What was he doing during Bojack’s addiction years?

She shifts in her seat. “Herb always stayed nice, or he  _ tried  _ to. But he and Bojack would fight  _ all the time _ . It made things on set pretty tense… They would yell at each other in front of everyone. It could get kind of...upsetting y’know? I mean I was just a little kid then, I didn’t know why everyone was mad all the time.”

Diane nods as she types, and Sarah-Lynn continues. “When he OD-ed, well… It was scary. I mean he just  _ dropped _ out of  _ nowhere _ .” She mimes Bojack collapsing by slapping one hand on top of the other with a loud smack.“Then he went to  _ rehab, _ blah blah blah. You know the rest. And when he came back,” She made a face, “He was…. Weird.”

Diane stops typing, “Weird how?”

She throws up her hands, “I don’t know! Just  _ weird _ . Like, he didn’t yell anymore, and he was being nicer to everyone. He was like, nervous all the time too?”

“That must have been nice, right? To see him change for the better.”

“Not really.” She sits upright on the couch and scoffs, “After he finished treatment it was like he was the most important thing in the world on the set. He and Herb were always with each other in their own little world. I mean, obviously, we know why  _ now _ . But back then I was so much younger than everyone else, Brad and Joelle never really wanted to hang out with me either.” She looked down at her hands in her lap. “It got pretty lonely...”

She frowns and looks back up at Diane.

“Why are you interviewing me anyway? I thought this book was supposed to be about Bojack? Isn’t  _ he  _ giving you enough material to work with already?”

Diane sighs and closes her laptop, getting the feeling that that was all the information she would get out of Sarah-Lynn today. 

“Actually, no. Bojack is still really fighting against the whole writing process. He doesn’t want to open up to me or answer  _ any  _ personal questions. So I asked him to invite you over hoping it would make him more comfortable to have a friend around.”

“What?” Sarah-Lynn cocks her head to the side, incredulous. “But Herb  _ lives  _ here. Why can’t you just interview  _ him _ ?”

Diane makes a face that looks downright  _ frustrated _ . “Herb is staying pretty tight-lipped actually. He wants it to be up to Bojack about what goes in the book or not. Which makes my job really difficult, unfortunately.”

She sighs. She feels like she’s doing that a lot since she started working with Bojack… And decides she needs a smoke break. She closes her laptop and stands from her chair, hoping she wouldn’t come off as rude if she tried to leave the room as quickly as possible. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go have a quick smoke. I’ll be right back.”

Sarah-Lynn hums, her eyes glued to her cell phone screen now that she’d been given permission to shut off her brain.

Diane rolls her eyes, not bothering to be discreet anymore since no one will see it. Leaving the office and making her way down the hall, she pats her back pocket trying to find her pack of cigarettes. She stops and replaces the patting on her pocket with a smack to the forehead, remembering that she left them in her work bag. She makes a U-turn in the hall and reaches the office door once again, just in time to see something  _ very  _ interesting.

Sarah-Lynn hadn’t moved from her spot on the couch. But instead of scrolling through her phone, she had sat up and was rummaging through her purse. Where she quickly produced a metal flask with the initials SLH engraved on it in cursive. She twists the lid open with a quick glance around before pouring the amber-colored contents into the mug of coffee Herb gave her.

Diane knew she should pretend she didn’t see anything. Sara Lynn was an adult, and there wasn’t necessarily anything  _ wrong  _ with her making her coffee a little stronger. But the nervousness in her eyes and the way she flinched when she heard Bojack and Herb moving around downstairs made her too curious. She stepped back into the room.

“What’s that?”

The popstar/Architect nearly jumped out of her skin and let out a strangled yelp that was just quiet enough not to be heard by either man downstairs.

She spins around and grips the mug close to her chest. “I- nothing, god!”

Diane puts her hands up in defense, “Hey, I’m not judging you! I was just curious.”

She hesitates, “It’s just to top it off you know.”

Diane nods, “You seem nervous about it is all.”

She bites her lip, “It’s not… It’s just Bojack you know? I know they don’t keep alcohol in the house and I didn’t want him to see.”

Diane almost feels relieved that Sarah-Lynn seems to be able to express  _ some  _ self awareness.“Oh, well, that’s nice of you. But, I’m sure Bojack can handle it, I mean, he’s been sober for years.”

She rolls her eyes and groans, “Ugh. It’s not just that. He and Herb were always talking to me about how much I drink cause they think just cause they see me with wine in my hand on Instagram that I’m “on a slippery slope”. Or whenever I’m on the news after getting pulled over after Adam Levine’s Halloween party-”

“It sounds,” Diane interjects, “Like he’s maybe worried you’ll end up like him? You know, whenever he talks about you, he always seems a little sad. I think he really regrets not being a better role model for you when you were a kid.”

“Ugh. I know how he feels...” She turns away and sips from her mug.

Diane takes a second to think and puts her hand on the arm of the couch. “Do you think, maybe, the reason you keep bringing up uncomfortable memories to Bojack is a way to subtly get back at him for the resentment you still feel about the negative effects he had on your childhood?”

Sarah-Lynn looks up and shoots Diane a forced smile, ”Hey, did Bojack tell you about the time I got into his alcohol on set?”

\---

Bojack didn’t plan on eavesdropping. He really didn’t. But the second the door shut behind him and the sound of muffled voices started up he was overcome with paranoia. 

He’d been on edge basically since Sarah-Lynn  _ got  _ here. He didn’t understand why she only seemed to want to bring up memories that not only made him look bad for his book but made him feel like shit too. Either she didn’t understand how upsetting they were for him, or she was doing it on purpose, which didn’t make any sense to him. He thought they were cool now!

He presses the side of his head as flat as he could against the door, straining to hear any morsel of information from the women’s conversation. 

He could just barely make out the words “Horsin Around” but that really didn’t give him anything to work with. He turns his head to try the other ear and is greeted by the sudden presence of Herb in the hallway, hands on his hips.

“What are you doing?”

The horse jumps in surprise and lets out a neigh before clamping his hands over his mouth in embarrassment.

“Herb! I uh, wasn’t eavesdropping on Diane and Sarah-Lynn!”

Herb just looks at him. “Alright well, One: yes you were. And Two: don’t do that.”

Bojack’s shoulders fall and he whines, “But they’re talking about  _ me _ ! What if they’re saying bad things?”

Herb purses his lips and thinks, “ _ Judging by how Sarah-Lynn’s been acting today they probably are.”  _ But he certainly doesn’t say it. 

Instead, he puts both hands on his husband’s shoulders and turns him toward the stairs. Opting for good-natured teasing as he steered him down the hall and away from the office door.

“BJ it’s too early in the morning for your narcissistic self-deprecation. They're probably not even talking about you yet. I bet they’re just covering what it was like for Sarah-Lynn to grow up on the show.” 

Bojack fidgets with his hands, a little ashamed, as they reached the top of the staircase. “Oh… That actually makes sense.”

“And whatever they’re talking about Bojack. Diane will tell you about it later, it’s all for  _ your _ book remember?”

Bojack takes a breath and shakes his head. “You’re right, you’re right.”

Herb leans up on his tiptoes to plant a kiss on the horse’s cheek. “Of course I’m right. Now get. And go eat something, I know you didn’t have breakfast today.”

“Alright, alright.” Bojack chuckles as he heads downstairs.

\---

Herb doesn’t mean to eavesdrop. He really doesn’t.

He’s been awfully quiet about it so far, but he can see the way Bojack gets upset whenever Sarah-Lynn brings up those many,  _ many  _ bad memories. Which she seems to be doing exclusively for some reason.

But he hasn't seen the horse this paranoid and nervous in a long time. And with such a specific cause too.

He chuckles to himself a little. Bojack might have had difficulty in hearing into the office, but Herb wouldn’t. The difference being that Herb is not an only child. And he learned a long time ago that in order to eavesdrop the best, you have to listen through the crack between the bottom of the door and the ground.

Herb drops down to his hands and knees and ignores the voice in the back of his head telling him that he’s a grown man, and he knows better than to listen in on a private conversation. He scooches as near to the opening as he can and listens closely.

”Hey, did Bojack tell you about the time I got into his alcohol on set?”

Herb decides that he’s heard enough.

\---

Herb slowly enters the living room and sits next to his husband, who was currently eating a sandwich and zoning out until he saw him. 

“BJ, I think we need to talk about Sarah-Lynn.”

Bojack almost jumps out of his seat, “ _ Why _ ? Is something wrong? Is she okay?”

Herb presses his palms into the horse’s chest to ground him. “BJ, BJ, she’s  _ fine _ . I… more wanted to talk to you about  _ you _ and Sarah-Lynn...”

His eyebrows knit together. “Me and Sarah-Lynn? What are you talking about?”

Herb sighs, “BJ, I know you’ve noticed that she keeps telling Diane stories where you’re an asshole.  _ Only  _ telling stories where you’re an asshole.”

Bojack fidgets in his seat, “Oh, you noticed that too?”

He rolls his eyes, “Baby, people in space can notice it.”

The horse slides down the cushions until he’s halfway off the couch. “I don’t know why she keeps doing it! Don’t get me wrong I like seeing her again, but I almost regret inviting her over...”

Herb clicks his tongue. “You know, Sarah-Lynn wouldn’t even be here today if you would just be open with Diane while she’s writing  _ your  _ memoir.” 

“But she asks me so many questions Herb!” He whines, “The other day she asked me what my  _ childhood  _ was like. How the hell does someone even answer a question like that?”

“... With stories maybe?” He shrugs.

Bojack crosses his arms childishly. “... Yeah well. It’s really easy to figure out solutions to abstract social and emotional issues when you’re not dealing with trauma and repressed memories dredged up by someone who's like a daughter to you.”

“Yeah so speaking of that, maybe you should tell her to knock it off? I can tell it’s upsetting you  _ a lot _ , and it’s for sure not helping the book in any way either.”

The horse rubbed at the back of his neck nervously, “I- I don’t know, maybe I should just deal with it for now. I wouldn’t want to make her feel bad...”

Herb sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Baby, maybe she  _ needs  _ to feel bad. I mean, that’s what she’s doing to you right? Making you feel like shit?”

He looks up at him with those big eyes. A sea of confusion and hurt bubbling behind them. “You don’t think….. She’s doing it on purpose do you?”

Herb frowns. “I…. I honestly don’t know BJ. I think …” He shrugs and twirls his hand in a circle, trying to find the words, “There’s some kind of  _ intent  _ behind it? Maybe? But I don’t know if she really  _ knows  _ what she's doing. Or why she’s even doing it at all.”

Suddenly Diane was joining them from the staircase. She lightly knocks on the wall as she enters the living room, “Hey Bojack, Herb? Can we talk about Sarah-Lynn?”

Bojack throws up his hands in frustration, “Why does everyone want to talk about Sarah-Lynn all of a sudden?”

\---

Sarah-Lynn trots down the stairs. “Hey are we still doing the book thing or are we done cause-” She stops in her tracks when she sees everyone standing together and talking.

“What's going on?”

Herb and Bojack exchange a look that makes something twist in her stomach, and she tightens her grip on her phone.

Bojack approaches her carefully and offers her his hand, which she takes. He leads her down the rest of the stairs and into the living room, having her sit down on the couch. He sits down beside her and exchanges a quick look with Herb and Diane.

“Look Muffin… We need to talk about something.” 

She puts her hands in her lap, the grip never loosening on her phone. “Uh, okay.”

“I’m happy you’re here, and I’m glad you wanted to help me with my writing. But, I’m trying to separate myself from the old, shitty things I used to do. And I… can’t have you be a part of my book if all you’re gonna do is tell Diane terrible, embarrassing stories from when I was an addict.”

Herb clears his throat and Bojack winces.

“ _ And _ … When the only things you have to say about me are  _ bad  _ things. It really... hurts.”

She looks blankly at them, seeming to weigh her options. Then, she lowers her head sadly. “Oh… I see… I’m a  _ burden  _ to you.”

Bojack and Herb all but  _ jump  _ to reassure her. 

Bojack frantically waves his hands in front of him. “Oh, no no no no no no, Sweetie, no!”

Herb puts his hand on her shoulder, “It’s not like that Muffin.”

Diane watches in amazement as both men seem to completely flip the switch from tough love to coddling in a matter of seconds. She had already half expected Bojack to fold like a house of cards, but  _ Herb too? _

Sarah-Lynn fake sniffles and wipes a non-existent tear from her eye. “I’m no longer cute... so I have nothing left to offer the world.”

Herb pats her shoulder comfortingly. “Kiddo, no. We  _ love  _ having you around. We just think maybe it’s not very helpful to the uh, writing process here if you keep bringing up bad things Bojack did in the past.”

_ Something  _ twinges through her at that. She’s not sure what it was, but it made her angry. She whips her head up to glare at them.

“Oh what? So since those things aren’t going in the book it’s like they never happened huh?”

Herb pulls his hand away in surprise and Bojack stiffens up. “W- What?”

She scowls, “Yeah, I get it now. You’re not writing a  _ real  _ book about your life. You’re writing some sappy puff piece about how great you think you are, just cause you got clean. So you’re gonna scrub it of all the times you were a dick, or a drunk, or a complete  _ garbage fire _ .”

Bojack shakes his head desperately, “I- it’s not, I’m, we- I thought you forgave me for all that stuff!”

She sneers, “Guess I lied.” She stands and points at him, “You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as a “good guy”, but you’re  _ not _ !”

Bojack’s ears pinned back and he struggled to keep his hurt from turning into anger. “ _ Sarah-Lynn _ . Look, things have been tough for you, and I understand that. But lashing out isn’t going to make anything better.” He places a hand on her shoulder. “Trust me, I know what you’re going through right now.”

She chuckles and slaps his hand away. “Oh, you  _ know  _ what I’m going through? Why? Because you were on some dumb kids show a million years ago?”

“Hey…” Herb protests meekly.

“I had my own fashion line when I was  _ ten _ . By twenty, I was packing stadiums. I get letters every day from boys telling me I was the first girl they ever masturbated to. Literally! Someone tells me that every day!”

Bojack cringes in disgust. “That is gross.” 

She throws her hands in the air, “Oh-ho,  _ I know!  _ And you just sit up here in your happy little house and live your happy little lives.”

“Hey, I’ve had a  _ very _ successful career! I won an oscar you know!”

Sarah-Lynn scoffs and rolls her eyes. “That was  _ forever _ ago! And what have you done  _ recently _ ?”

He throws his head back and groans, “Why does everyone always say that! Why does there have to be a new thing all the time!”

She takes another step closer to him, reveling in edging him on. “Guess what Boj, in order to be a has-been, you actually have to have, you know,  _ been. _ ”

Herb gets between them as their tempers flare, trying to keep the two from getting at each other’s throats any more than they already had. “Hey! Knock it off you two!”

Bojack struggled to parse his swirl of emotions, but he was all too ready to throw his anger right back at her. He leans right over Herb’s small figure and points at her. 

“I- you- I’m the whole reason you even went to college!”

She barks out a laugh, “So? Nobody  _ actually  _ cares about that! Nobody even cares about  _ me  _ anymore anyway. Nobody wants to listen to my music. Nobody wants me to design their buildings. The world moved on and I'm still here..."

Her aggressive exterior drops for a moment and they can see the fear and pain on her face. But in a second it’s over, and her expression becomes a shadow of rage again.

“You thought getting sober would erase all the bad shit you did,  _ just _ like you thought that you could give me a little pep talk like  _ seven  _ years ago would suddenly make everything perfect for me? Cause it  _ didn’t. _ ” 

She waves her hand in the air as she talks, “You know, I used to think like that too, I thought that if I fulfilled my dream of becoming an architect, everything in my life would fall into place in just the way I wanted it to.” Her hands drop back to her sides harshly, “But life doesn't work that way, because  _ life  _ isn't a  _ sitcom  _ numbnuts!"

Herb tried to make more space between them as best he could, his small stature unfortunately not helping at all. “Hey, woah woah woah woah woah. We all need to cool down a little here, Kiddo.”

“And that’s _another_ thing!” She snaps. “I’m _not_ your kiddo! Because _you are not my dads!_ ”

Despite the fact that they were absolutely true, the words cut like a knife through both men’s hearts.

She grabs her bag and throws it over her shoulder roughly, causing the small silver flask to go careening across the room. It bangs of the marble floor and skids to a stop in front of Bojack’s feet. Her heart is pounding out of her chest as he picks it up and gives it a sniff.

He winces and frowns, “It’s whiskey...”

Herb turns to her with a look on his face that makes all her organs tie up in knots at once.

“You told me you were sober now...”

She looks like a deer in headlights as she frantically looks for a way out of this line of questioning. All her fury from before being washed away in a wave of shame and fear. She decides to take a deep breath and gives them her best puppy dog eyes.

“You guys, listen. All my life I’ve never been forced to confront my problems head-on. Nobody ever really says no to me. So is it cool with you two if instead of confronting my problems head-on, I just pretend they don’t exist?”

Bojack and Herb share a single, silent, disappointed look, then answered at the same time.

“ _ No _ .”

She scoffed, “What?”

Bojack stepped forward and crossed his arms authoritatively, his voice only wavering slightly. “I’m sorry Sarah-Lynn, but if you can’t respect my boundaries. Then you need to leave.”

There’s a beat, then she rolls her eyes. 

“Okay, whatever. Now that you know I’m not sober anymore, I don’t have to hide it. So I guess I’ll just go party with one of the  _ billions _ of people who  _ will  _ let me hang out at their house without doing stupid self-reflections.”

“Sarah-Lynn….” Herb attempts one last time to reach her, but she barely notices.

Bojack nearly chokes on his sheer failure to get through to her. “W- uh, well, you should  _ not  _ do that.”

She laughs. “Oh I know, I know. But I can, so I will!” She scoops up her things and throws her bag over her shoulder. “I’m at this place right now where nobody expects me to grow as a person or rise to any occasion. So I don’t bother trying anymore really. I can just constantly surround myself with sycophants and enablers until I die tragically young.” She fakes an excited gasp. “You should try it sometime! Oops, I guess you’re too late on that one.”

She laughs alone at her own joke, oblivious to the opened mouth horror from everyone else.

“W- what?” Bojack manages to stutter out.

She finishes laughing and sighs, “No, no, but for real. It’s pretty much too late for me.”

A hollow silence takes up the room. For half a second she seems to take in the reality of her words. Then she shakes it off with a smile.

“Welp! Thems the breaks, take it sleazy everybody!” She makes her way to the front door and opens it, but stops short of leaving just yet. She turns around and grins at them.

“Oh, by the way, I’ve got a new catchphrase now. It’s “ _ Suck a dick dumbshits _ !”

She finishes off her exit by blowing a raspberry. And then she’s gone.

The house settles in the absence of her presence. Nobody moves or speaks while the shock of the sudden fight still settles into their memories.

Bojack starts at the movement of Diane as she quietly slides out from the hallway. She brushes her hands through her hair awkwardly.

“... That, really was something, huh?”

Bojack sighed heavily and rubbed at his eyes. “We really blew it didn’t we?”

She shrugs, “I mean, yeah maybe you  _ could  _ have been a better role model for her when she was young. Showed her some more attention. And I think there are definitely more things going on here. But also, she never really had a chance.”

Herb winces and crosses his arms tightly over his chest. “Don’t say that...”

“Come on Herb, it’s true! This is what our celebrity culture does to people.”

Bojack thinks for a moment. “So, what you’re saying is… It’s all society’s fault, and we as individuals never need to take responsibility for anything?”

He’s met with a brutal silence and lowers his head tiredly.

“Yeah no, I knew that one was a long shot.”

Herb rubs his arm, “We did our best right? All things considered? We probably-  _ obviously _ , didn’t do enough for her, but we tried right?”

Diane nods comfortingly, “I think the only thing you can do going forward is to be better to her now. Holding her accountable for her words and actions, setting boundaries... And you started that today.”

Herb nods, he understands but it doesn’t make it any easier. He sighs. “I’m going to go… Ugh. I’m just gonna go, alright?”

He sadly makes his way upstairs, leaving Bojack and Diane alone in the living room. Diane walks over to Bojack and puts a hand on his shoulder. 

“Listen… I’m not gonna put anything that happened here today in the book if you don't want me to...”

He sighs, “No, it’s okay... She was right. I can’t just pretend that those things didn't happen. It doesn't even matter anyway. I don't even care what anyone thinks about me anymore.”

”Well for what it’s worth, I think it took a lot of guts to do what you did back there.”

Bojack looks up at her hopefully. “Really?”

Diane smiles. “Yeah, sometimes the most important thing a person needs to hear is “no”. You set boundaries and rules for your relationship with Sarah-Lynn. And even though she didn’t respect them, I think it shows a lot of  _ personal  _ respect.”

His eyes were wide and desperate for praise, and she reminds herself to make a note of that later.

“You really think I have self-respect?”

She laughs, “Yes I do.”

Bojack smiles for a moment before a frown takes over his face once again.

“I wish she hadn’t left.”

She puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I know Bojack. But I think that this was a good first step towards a more healthy relationship with Sarah-Lynn. I promise you’ll see her again. And hey, hopefully, she’ll retain the information.” She jokes.

He thinks for a minute and shakes his head. “You know what the problem is with everybody? They all only want to hear what they already believe. But no one ever wants to hear the  _ truth _ .”

Diane tries once again to get him to cooperate with her.“I want to hear the truth. I don’t know if you want to tell it, though.”

He makes a face, “What do you mean?”

She scoffs, “Mr. “Normal Childhood”? Mr. “Uneventful Father”?”

Bojack lowers his head but doesn’t respond.

“Look, I can write you the standard empty-calorie celebrity tell-all if that’s what you’re looking for. But I thought you might want more than that...”

“I do.”

She sighs, “Well, then you’re going to have to open up, and give me something real.”

“What? You think I can’t open up?”

“Well, I don’t know if you can or not. You certainly haven’t. I can’t keep writing your book based on the little scraps of personality I pick up on in your daily life. I need your  _ engagement _ .”

He takes a deep breath. “Okay. From now on, full truth, warts and all.”

She looks at him and he can’t help the anxiousness lingering at the back of his mind.

“You’re not gonna make me look like an asshole, are you?”

She smiles. “I don’t know.  _ Are  _ you an asshole?”

He bobs his head back and forth a little to think about it for a second. The second turns into a much longer second, almost bordering on a minute, as he considers the answer.

A small bit of a smile makes its way onto his face. “... Do me a favor and don’t ask Herb that question alright?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to leave for work soon so nothing really to say abt this chapter rn!
> 
> Next chapter starts after BJ and Diane get back from Boston.


	26. The Dinner - 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack and Diane get back from Boston and go to a totally normal dinner with their partners. Where nothing bad happens everything is still the same when the night is over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adjsjklalfhjhjssk this chapter took FOREVER to write. I HATED it because I was struggling to pull it together for so long. I basically re wrote it from scratch twice. I’m glad I can be done with it now though lol.

Sometimes, Bojack thinks that being on a sitcom for nine years straight permanently altered his brain to see sitcom plotlines in his own life. And if you believe his therapist it’s probably true, to an extent. 

But the last thing he expected to happen this week was that working on his novel would take him to New York, for the first time in years, then to Boston for his friend’s father’s sudden funeral. Followed by a heart to heart with said friend to reassure her that she doesn’t need her terrible family’s approval. But that was indeed where he ended up. He had half expected the credits to roll in front of them there at the dump. 

The  _ chumming  _ was an interesting twist though.

Bojack and Diane got back from Boston that evening, and once they exited the airport they were greeted with the sight of their respective partners chatting in the pick-up lane. Mr. Peanutbutter was the one to spot them first.

“Diane!” He waved enthusiastically and held up a small cardstock sign with “Honey” written on it, with a smiley face in the “O”. 

“Did you see my sign?”

Diane chuckled as she and Bojack approached the men, “I did! Hi Mr. Peanutbutter.” She said as she pecked a kiss on his cheek.

Bojack pulls up the rear and playfully sticks out his tongue in disgust at their kiss, making Herb laugh. The smaller man meets Bojack halfway and wraps his arms around him. 

“Hey baby! How was New York?”

Bojack returns the hug tightly, “Actually pretty fun, we ended up making a stop off in Boston though.” He drops his voice to a whisper, “Hey, how long did it take dingus over there to decide on a stupid pet name for his sign?”

Herb rolled his eyes. By this point he’d like to think Bojack was just messing around, but he knew him too well. He’s tried for years to understand the horse’s hatred of Mr. Peanutbutter. And he  _ sort of  _ understood where he was coming from, but the levels of over the top despise he worked up whenever he was around the labrador was ridiculous. Herb didn’t really see anything wrong with him, sure he could be annoying. And easily distractible. And arrogant.. And annoyingly cheerful sometimes... And fake-nice a lot of times…..

But still, he wasn’t going to help add fuel to Bojack’s fire by telling him he was completely right, and Herb  _ had  _ in fact watched Mr. Peanutbutter struggle for 40 minutes to decide on what he wanted to write on the sign.

They parted from the hug just as the labrador sidled up beside and stuck out his hand in greeting. 

“Bojack Horseman! Put ‘er there!”

The horse scoffed and didn’t move his hand an inch. “No, that’s all right.”

Mr. Peanutbutter was as unfazed as ever and laughed. “I’ll get that handshake one day!”

“No you won’t.” Bojack deadpanned and Herb smacked him lightly on the shoulder. 

“By the way, since when am I “Honey” ?” Diane asked as she made her way around the car. 

Mr. Peanutbutter laughed again, ”Since now! I made up the name while you were back east!”

Bojack sneered and crossed his arms. “Yeah, really? You? You made up calling someone Honey?”

The labrador seemed to falter for a moment as Diane went to put her bag in the trunk, releasing a ton of tennis balls onto the street as she did. “Uh, I do believe so, yes.”

Herb tried to carefully step the conversation around the weird little love/hate dance the two men were doing. “How, uh, how was the flight you two?”

Bojack shrugged, “Eh, nothing special really.” Then he laughed and pointed to Diane, “Except for that pilot’s bumpy landing, am I right?.”

Diane frowned as she closed the trunk. “That turbulence coming in was seriously  _ very scary _ . I’m just glad  _ you  _ were there, because I really would have freaked out if I was on my own.” 

Mr. Peanutbutter fidgeted in what he hoped was a nonchalant way as she smiled at Bojack and Herb.

“Hey, do you two want to go grab dinner with us?”

The labrador threw his arm around Diane’s shoulders. “Oooh, Sorry. I actually already made special plans for just the two of us.”

She pats his arm, “Oh, come on. You’re the one who’s always saying you wanna hang out with Bojack more, and how it’s weird that Bojack never returns your calls, and how I should hang up the phone because maybe Bojack’s trying to call you right now.”

Mr. Peanutbutter gets visibly more embarrassed as she continues listing things he’s said about Bojack. While the horse himself rolls his eyes and grimaces, Herb suppresses a snort behind his hand.

He forced a smile. “Um… Okay. Sure! We can make this work!” 

“Great!” Diane turned back to the other men. “So, what do you guys say?”

Bojack made a face and quickly weighed the pros and cons in his head. On one hand, he’d get to hang out with Diane more. _ And  _ Herb would be there, which was always a plus. But on the other hand, Mr. Peanutbutter would be there. And he and Diane  _ did  _ just spend the last two days together… 

He figures it’s probably not worth it and starts to decline the offer, “Actually I think-”

But before he could finish Herb suddenly grabbed his arm and blurted out, “We’d love to!”

\---

Mr. Peanutbutter feels..… bad?

He definitely feels  _ something _ , and it’s not good. He almost  _ always  _ feels good. And this isn’t it. 

He thinks he’s jealous. Maybe? Kind of? 

Is he even  _ allowed  _ to be jealous?

I mean, he and Diane  _ live _ together. They’ve been dating for  _ years _ .

Bojack is  _ married.  _ He’s not trying to  _ take her _ from him or anything.

So why does he feel jealous of him spending all this time with her?

He tries to shake off the feeling and listen to Diane describing their trip. But her stories wavered dramatically on his attention span. Whenever she mentioned Bojack’s name he’d zero in on the details, before feeling her voice slip away and disappear through the thick fog of worry he had collected in his mind.

It was hard not to feel at least  _ some  _ jealousy flare up inside him, as she happily continued on about how much fun she and Bojack had had together, despite everything. He couldn’t help but wonder if  _ he  _ had been there with her instead, how things might have gone. Would he have said the right things? Would he have given her the support she needed? Would he have had the skills to turn her father’s funeral into a sort of bonding experience for them, and strengthened their relationship? 

He hates that he knows the answer is probably no. He had very little experience with bad families anyway, his own family was great, and his parents loved him a bunch. He couldn’t  _ imagine  _ a family treating someone the way Diane had described to him.

But why did  _ Bojack  _ get to run in and be  _ her  _ best friend all of a sudden?

He glances into the rearview mirror to get a look at the horse, and his eyebrows shot up in surprise to see that he and Herb seemed to be having a heated argument. 

He jumps in surprise when he suddenly feels a hand on his arm, letting out a little yelp.

Diane laughs, “Oh, sorry! You looked like you were  _ miles  _ away there.” She smiles at him, but there’s a bit of concern marked across her face. “Are you okay?”

He smiles back at her, letting himself relax a little. “Yeah! Of course, why wouldn't I be?.”

“Are you sure? You’ve seemed a little distracted since we left the airport.” She lifts a hand to her hair and starts nervously playing with it. “... I’m sorry I sort of just,  _ invited  _ Herb and Bojack along to dinner. I know you had plans for just us tonight.”

“What?” He shakes his head and flashes her a smile, “You don’t need to apologize. Besides, I love hanging out with Bojack!” 

They pull up into the line for the valet and he takes her hand in his. “Tonight is gonna be so much fun! What could be better! Hanging out with my beautiful girlfriend, my best buddy, and his fantastic husband. You go on in and get us a table, we’ll be right behind you.”

She smiles at him and squeezes his hand. “Okay, see you inside.” She gets out of the car and he can see the driver in front of him do the same for the valet, so he only has just moments to collect himself. 

Mr. Peanutbutter takes a deep steadying breath and starts to talk himself into it. “Everything’s fine. Tonight is going to be... fun!”

He laughs to himself as he undoes his seatbelt, almost embarrassed by his nerves a few minutes ago. 

“This gonna be great!” He says to himself. Besides, Bojack is his best friend, what could possibly go wrong?

\---

“ _ We’d love to _ ? What the  _ hell  _ was that?”

Herb was slumped against the passenger side door, propping his head up on his hand. 

“I panicked, I don’t know!”

Despite how either man may have wanted to spend their night, they now found themselves following Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter to Elefante for a totally normal dinner between “friends”.

And Bojack was  _ this close _ to just hanging a left and calling them in 20 minutes pretending they got lost. But in lieu of that,  _ for now _ , he was just rubbing his eyes and complaining.

“This is going to be such a god awful night. That guy is so  _ insufferable _ , don’t even get me started!”

Herb pointed at the horse, “Exactly! I  _ don’t  _ want to get you started! On anything!” 

Bojack shakes his head in disbelief, “I can’t believe we’re doing this. Why can’t this guy can’t take a hint? What makes him think I’m his friend?”

“Bojack, we went to the man’s last wedding.” Herb deadpanned.

“Yeah, because  _ you _ said yes to the invitation when I wasn’t home. And we were out of there in forty minutes thanks to me.” He paused to think to himself. “Hey, do you think we can shave this dinner down to half an hour?”

Herb rolls his eyes. “It’s one dinner and it won’t kill you.”

He snorts, “I don’t know, if we spend too much time around him he might try to steal another show from you. That’d kill you.”

The other man smacks a hand to his forehead. “I  _ knew _ you were gonna mention that.  _ BJ _ . You can’t  _ still  _ be mad about that,  _ I've  _ never even been that mad about it.”

The horse raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh really? Because I happen to recall in 1992 when a certain director fumed around set for a solid week because there was nothing a certain network could do about a certain rip-off of a certain sitcom premise, involving a certain animal bachelor adopting three certain human orphans.”

Herb blinked at him. “How many times are you going to say  _ certain _ ?”

“ _ Herb _ .”

Herb groaned and pressed his palms onto the dashboard. “Yes okay fine. I was mad about the show, I hate that it happened. I hate that the plot for my show, my  _ baby _ , that was created out of  _ love,  _ was stolen by some shitty company and bastardized out of my control. But it has  _ never _ been that man’s fault.” He crosses his arms and glares at the horse. “So what else you got?”

“Okay... “ Not aware of it, Bojack started moving his hands up and down the steering wheel nervously, “... He’s annoying.”

Herb threw his hands in the air. “That’s it?!”

“Why does there have to be any more?” Bojack snapped at him, “I don’t like the guy, can’t that just be it?”

“Of course it can, but there’s a difference between not liking a person and being a goddamn jerk!” Herb rubs at his temples and groans. “You turn into such a colossal asshole around him. What the hell?”

“Hey, I don’t like it either you know.” Bojack grunts, his grip tightening around the wheel. “That guy brings out the worst in me, I  _ know _ I’m an asshole whenever he’s around. Which begs the question,  _ why  _ do you always try to get me hang out with him?”

Herb shrugs, “Exposure therapy I guess? If you hang out with him more then maybe you won’t fly into a  _ fit  _ every time you interact with him.” He pointed at the horse, “And hey, here’s a tip, if you don’t want to feel like an asshole, then don’t  _ do  _ and  _ say  _ asshole things.”

“It’s not that simple.” Bojack groans and slides a hand down his face as they roll to a stop at a red light. “You see? Now  _ we’re  _ fighting because of  _ him _ .”

“No,  _ we’re _ fighting because of  _ you. _ ”

He smacks the steering wheel, “Stop nagging me!”

“Stop acting like a baby!” Herb shouts, “You’re a grown man harboring this  _ vendetta  _ against someone who thinks of you as nothing but a friend, and who never did  _ anything  _ to hurt you!” He scoffed, “Also, by the way, do I need to remind you that his girlfriend is your ghostwriter? You’re going to have to be around him  _ a lot _ , and it would make everything much easier for  _ everyone  _ if you put in a  _ little  _ effort just to be  _ polite _ .”

He crosses his arms and falls back into his seat as they pull up behind Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter’s car in the valet line in front of Elefante. Silence overtakes the inside of the car as both men stew.

Eventually, it’s Bojack who sighed deeply and spoke without looking at his husband. 

“... Do you really think I’m a colossal asshole?”

He doesn’t bother looking at him, still angry from the fight. “Yes.”

Bojack turns in his seat to face him, his frown deepens. “Herb...”

Herb doesn’t want to look at him right now, but the unfortunate knowledge that eventually he’ll have to gets to him. He stole a quick glance at the horse and when he caught the look of pain on his face, he sighed. 

“You can be yes. Sometimes.”

Bojack slumps back in his seat and avoids any more eye contact by looking out the window.

Herb rolls his eyes and reaches to put his hand over the other man’s.

“Baby,” He starts softly, “Everyone has to fake polite sometimes. Can’t you just try?” His voice gets sterner, “And I mean try for  _ real _ . Not ‘Herb, I’ll  _ try  _ to stop eating in bed.’ And then when I got into bed that night I got stabbed by about a thousand potato chip shards.”

Bojack snorts but then frowns and pushes his hair back with his hand. He hates the way Herb makes a very good point. 

For once, couldn’t it be  _ his _ turn to be the right one? And he could just continue being a dick to Mr. Peanutbutter, and then nonchalantly say he’ll bring his behavior up to his therapist but then never actually do it, and the cycle begins anew. 

But deep down, past his instinct to avoid his problems at all costs, he knew that he couldn’t. And that Herb would eventually  _ force  _ him to face said problem anyway. The other man was unfortunately  _ very good _ at making him face his problems.

He huffs dramatically. “Yeah... Yeah okay, I can try to be nice.”

Herb squeezed his hand and smiled. 

But he wasn’t sure if he believed that.

\---

Herb was right not to believe that.

Four hours, the purchase of a helicopter, fifty one on one matches in different games and feats of strength, the purchase of  _ the restaurant _ , and the “totally normal dinner” was  _ finally _ over. 

The couples had said goodbye without much fanfare, considering half of each pair was still in the process of waking up as they left the building, having dozed off in the middle of the horse and labrador’s pissing contest.

Herb yawned in the passenger seat as they drove home. He wished he wasn’t as tired as he obviously was, because his mind was positively  _ buzzing  _ with all the ways he wanted to tear his husband a new one for making that never-goddamn-ending scene at Elefante.

The tension in the car was thick. Bojack started straight forward out the windshield, not daring to look at his husband. After a while Herb cleared his throat. 

“So…..?”

“So…?” Bojack drawls, feigning ignorance.

“You wanna explain what the hell that was all about?”

Bojack cleared his throat and struggled to try and weasel his way out of the conversation. “Um, am I allowed to propose we just go home and go to sleep and talk about it in the morning? Oh but you know,” He chuckled nervously, his eyes darting everywhere but at Herb, “I have an early morning meeting with Pinky, so how about afterwards? Ah, but you’re at work until six tomorrow, darn. So we can talk about it when you get home, but hey, we don't want to ruin another dinner huh? So, maybe let's just take a raincheck on this conversation, yeah?”

Herb was silent for a moment before he spoke again, opting to completely ignore Bojack’s desperate ravings.

“I asked you to be nice.”

His voice was so calm and controlled it sent a fresh wave of anxiety through Bojack. Herb’s anger and, let’s be honest, embarrassment, was now washing away to reveal pure disappointment underneath. 

“Herb… I-”

“I asked you to be nice.” He repeated. “And you said you would.”

“I said I’d  _ try _ .”

Herb turns to glare at him and the horse shrinks back into his seat. His face turning red as the events of the evening really started to sink in.

“I asked you to not start shit.”

“... Now, you didn’t say those exact words...”

Herb ignores him, “But in the end. Shit was in fact started. When do you think the shit started BJ?” He starts to count on his fingers, “Was it when you kept shutting him out of the conversation? When you made fun of his divorces in front of his girlfriend? Or do you think it was when you implied he was ruining Todd’s life by participating in his wacky schemes?”

“He was being a dick too.” Bojack grumbles.

“And I  _ wonder  _ what possessed him to react like that.” 

“Hey, don’t pretend like he wasn’t dishing it out the same way I was.”

“Oh you know that’s very interesting because actually, he did  _ not _ .” Herb sneers. “He was just reacting to the way  _ you  _ were being a dick to him. Because apparently that’s what the next stage of your weird little relationship with him is.”

Herb crosses his arms and goes back to looking out the window, having said his piece. Silence overtakes the car’s interior again. 

Bojack shook his head and his voice came out so quietly Herb had to strain to hear it.

“Why does it all come so easy to him?”

Herb turned back to the horse. “What?” He asked.

Bojack groans and makes a series of small noises in anxiety. If he has to do this he can’t be driving for it, so he quickly pulls the car over to the nearest open space by the curb. He twists his hands over the steering wheel so hard he’s afraid he might damage it somehow. So he opts to throw them over the top of the wheel and press his forehead into the leather. 

“H- he just  _ stumbles  _ through life. He doesn’t have to worry about what people think of him because everyone already likes him. He doesn’t have to worry about his future or his legacy because jobs literally just  _ fall  _ into his lap.” 

He sighs, “After we were outed… I really didn’t think there was gonna be anything left for us… But he can just keep chugging along. Perfectly oblivious and carefree. Why can’t it ...be like that for me?” He rubs at his eyes. “Why does it feel like I’m constantly working so hard just to get by while he gets to be so happy?”

Worry flashes across Herb’s face. “Are you… not happy?”

Bojack opens and closes his mouth trying to find the words to explain himself, but he fails and shakes his head. 

“I don’t- It’s not like that Herb.” 

His eyebrows knit together in anger suddenly. “But on top of all of that he has to be dating  _ Diane  _ of all people. What could she  _ possibly _ see in him?”

Herb’s voice came strongly and suddenly from the passenger seat. “Maybe it’s because she  _ likes  _ him.” 

Bojack looks up and with a confused expression.

Herb sighed. “You know. Even though he might act stupid sometimes, like impulse buying a restaurant to impress a man he claims to hate, or stopping taking his antidepressants just to write a memoir, or calls a barista a “used jizz bag” and now we can’t go back to that Starbucks.”

“Oh...… yeah?” Bojack askes, lifting his head up from the steering wheel.

Herb nods. “Yeah, because maybe “gets” to be happy, because he knows he doesn’t need to be this grand, perfect figure that he’s built up in his head. And he doesn't have to hold himself to impossible standards.” He frowns sadly, “Especially for things that are out of his control…. So maybe he can just be happy with who he is and where he is now.” 

He puts a hand on the horse's shoulder and shrugs. “And y’know, maybe things aren’t actually that great for him. Maybe he’s been struggling, or backsliding a little in his life. But that doesn’t mean he's a  _ lost cause _ or anything.... And she still  _ loves  _ him. Because he’s smart, and sweet, and insightful. And even though he acts tough a lot of the time, she knows that on the inside he’s a sensitive, kind person.” He pokes him in the shoulder, eliciting a small smirk from the horse, “And he's got more heart in his little finger than more people have in their entire bodies. And she  _ loves  _ that about him.”

Bojack opens his mouth to respond but hesitates for a moment.

“...Just to be clear you’re talking about me and you right?”

Herb smirked at him. “Yes BJ.”

“Good okay thats what I thought.” He chuckled, “Why do you always know what to say to make me feel better?”

“I don't always know what to say.” Herb laughs. “We've literally gotten into  _ fights  _ because I’ve said the wrong thing. But when it comes down to it BJ, I’ve only got one thing that I can really say to you in situations like this. ”

He places a kiss on his cheek. “You’re always worth it and I’ll always love you.”

Bojack tried to conceal the pinpricks of tears in his eyes and laughed softly as he wiped at them.

“Thanks Herb.” He took a deep breath, “I’m sorry I messed up tonight.”

“I know BJ.”

He takes Herb’s hand in his own. “Is there anything I can do that’ll make it up to you?”

The smaller man hummed. “Apologize to Mr. Peanutbutter and we’ll call it even.”

Boajck bit back a groan but still wrinkled his nose. “Mrmmph… Fine.”

Herb’s smile faded. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

“For real this time?”

Bojack cringed a little. “Yes, for real.”

Herb silently held out his pinkie finger to the horse. 

Bojack linked his pinkie with Herbs and sighed. “I promise I’ll apologize to Mr. Peanutbutter.” He recited in a monotone voice that was only  _ slightly  _ whiny.

Herb smirked and planted another kiss on him, this time on the horse’s lips. Bojack happily kissed him back, but when they pulled away from each other he looked embarrassed. 

“Hey… Can I ask you something?”

Herb got that look on his face he got when he was gearing up to tell a joke, but seemed to decide against it and sat back in his seat instead. 

“Sure, what?”

“... Were you impressed with  _ anything  _ I did back there?”

Herb rolls his eyes  _ hard  _ and barely keeps himself from groaning. 

“Bojack. You don’t need to impress me, we’re already married.”

Bojack pouts at him, and gives him his best pleading face.

Herb snorts and thinks for a minute. “...I was actually pretty impressed you could do fifty push-ups at your age.”

Bojack sat up straight and his eyes practically lit up. “ _ Really _ ?”

Herb just giggles and Bojack joins him. 

“I’m glad you said that, I was half considering stealing the “H” off the Hollywood sign in a last ditch effort to impress you tonight.”

At that Herb bust out laughing super hard. So hard that Bojack’s own laughter quickly slipped into confused chuckling, since it was  _ far _ more laughter than that joke had permitted.

He waited for Herb to gather himself. And when the other man got his composure back, he squeaked out one word.

“ _ Ollywood _ ?”

Both men exploded into laughter. After a while they finally caught their breath and wiped away their tears, and were ready to head home. Bojack reached to pull out of park but hesitated.

He cleared his throat and gave Herb an embarrassed smile, “Um, do you mind if I get some drive through somewhere on the way home? I kind of forgot to eat my dinner.”

“Sure Hun.” Suddenly something dawned on Herb and he looked nervous. “I hope Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter are doing okay after everything that happened tonight.”

Bojack waved his hand at him. “Eh, I’m sure they’re fine. They’ve probably already argued and made up like us.” He said, although the anxiety on his face betrayed his words, and after a second he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

“But uh, y’know what? I can just call her quick and check in.”

Herb raised an eyebrow at the horse as he raised the phone to his head. “Afraid she'll quit working with you because you called her boyfriend a bootleg of the least popular puppet on Sesame Street?”

Bojack frowns. “Hey, I thought we were made up.”

“I told you,” He said, matter of factly, “We’ll be made up when you apologize to Mr. Peanutbutter.” He shuffled in his seat, getting tired of sitting in the car for so long considering it was almost 2 am and they were still out. “She’s probably already in bed BJ-”

Herb gets cut off right as Diane answers the call. “Hey Bojack...” She sounds weird and Bojack and Herb exchange a look of worry.

“Hey Diane, I uh I just wanted to call to check in and see if you’re okay, after the whole  _ thing _ tonight. And I uh, wanted to say that I’m sorry for my behavior too.”

“This apology doesn't count by the way,” Herb whispered to him. “It’s got to be Mr. Peanutbutter too.”

Bojack did a shoo-ing motion at the other man, despite that fact that he could hardly shoo since they were in a car together.

“Oh, well That’s nice of you, thanks.” Diane replied. “Are you two okay?”

Herb shrugged. “Yeah we’re fine.” He paused. “...I’m here too by the way, sorry. Should have mentioned that.”

Diane chuckled, “That’s fine Herb...”

Bojack made a face. “You sound funny are you sure everything’s alright?”

There was a pause so long Bojack thought the call might’ve been dropped for a second. But then Diane’s voice came back through the line, clear but unsure. 

“So… this is weird…. I think I just got engaged...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it’s getting harder to write the chapters because I'm now in the “actual canon events” area. I think the best way to work with this is to try to write more about what happens with herb n bj AROUND what happens in show. Like referencing canon events while other shit is going on. 
> 
> I've been hopping around to later chapters while working on this one and I can’t wait to get to the Hollyhock and Michigan arcs though!
> 
> Next chapter deals with the engagement and the first draft of the book!
> 
> Also, I anyone wants to throw a few bucks my way to support me, I'd greatly appreciate it! my venmo is @Brooklynn_Burgandy


	27. A Dark Horse - 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bojack helps Diane prepare for her wedding to Mr. Peanutbutter and gets the first sneak peek of his memoir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) Tomorrow will mark a year since I started this fic!

Engaged. Diane was getting  _ engaged. _

To  _ him. _

It had been weeks since Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter had announced their engagement, but to Bojack, it was still sinking in.

Partly because he refused to think about it. It was too much for him, that Diane who was smart, and funny, and thoughtful, and empathetic was going to get married to a man who got his driver’s license revoked for chasing the mail truck. The petty, impulsive part of his brain thought that he should be stopping the wedding somehow. That he should be concocting an elaborate scheme right now to get her to realize that this was a very bad idea. That he should be putting his foot down as her best friend and telling her,  _ don’t marry Mr. Peanutbutter. _

But he knew he couldn’t. Herb would never let him anyway. So he’d just have to settle for making passive-aggressive comments about the labrador for the rest of his life. 

So instead, he had to be the  _ stupid _ Maid of Honor because  _ stupid  _ Mr. Peanutbutter asked his  _ stupid _ brother to be The Best Man instead of him. He didn’t even  _ want  _ this wedding to happen, but if Bojack Horseman is going to be a part of your wedding party then he should at least be the best man goddammit.

He huffs as he pulls up to their house, Diane was already waiting outside.

She smiles and waves at him. Bojack can see the sun glint off her new ring and feels sick about it. He shakes it off and manages a half-hearted wave back before she climbs into the car. She opens her mouth to greet him but he interrupts her before she can.

“Hey. Now we have a lot of stupid bullshit to do today. Trying on dresses, cake tasting, all that junk. So promise you won’t abandon me with a sales lady or I’ll be walking out of there with a wedding dress myself.” He cracks a joke but there’s no humor behind his voice as he stares forward with a stony expression.

She groans, “Don't worry, I want to get all this over with as quickly as you do. For some reason I'm so  _ anxious  _ about all this “wedding planning” stuff.”

“Right, so don’t waste time slipping out of the room text your  _ fiance _ a bunch of  _ winky-smileys _ with  _ hearts  _ next to it.  _ Gross. _ ” He pauses, “Congratulations on the whole being-engaged thing by the way.”

Diane leans against the window and sighs. “I still can't believe I'm getting  _ married _ . Thank God I don't have to die alone...” She laughs nervously and rubs the back of her neck, “By the way… sorry if me getting married brings up any bad feelings about how you and Herb still can’t get married.”

“Oh, don't worry, I wasn't even thinking about it.” He frowns, “Until you said that...” 

Diane smacks a hand against her face, “I'm sorry! I guess I'm still a little frazzled with everything going on.”

Bojack softens up a little. “So, how  _ have  _ you been? I haven't seen much of you since you said you were done studying me for the book.”

“Well, the camera crews are finally out of our house. I guess the idea of a Mr. Peanutbutter reality show lost its appeal when he lost his interest in the project. Now he and Todd are workshopping concepts for a new kind of Halloween store I think?”

Bojack rolls his eyes and groans.

She smiles and leans back against the window. “So... I'm sending the first draft of the book to Pinky this afternoon.”

He jumps a little in his seat. “What? It's done?”

"Not yet! Almost. I'm  _ excited  _ for you to read it. But also cripplingly nervous, I actually kind of feel like throwing up.”

"Do me a favor and do it out the window 'kay?"

“Pinky should definitely have read it within a couple of hours. He said he’d call you when he was done. You can probably ask him to send you a copy then.” 

Bojack shakes his head and feels a genuine smile pull at his mouth for the first time today. “Man, I can’t wait to read it.”

She clasps her hands together. “Yeah! So hey just… keep an open mind. It’s a work in progress... Sorry I didn’t send you one earlier,” She gestures vaguely in the air with her hands, “But you know… Wedding stuff! …  _ Yay _ .”

He twirls his finger in the air in a mock cheer. “Yeah. Wedding stuff.  _ Yay _ .  _ Anyway,  _ I can’t wait to read it. And hey, if your book is anything like spending time with you I’m sure it’ll be wonderful.”

She smiles at him. “Thanks, Bojack.”

They round a corner onto Beverly Boulevard and Bojack gestures in the distance. “Okay, so there's a bunch of dress shops all grouped together down by the Beverly Connection Mall. So I figured we’d start there.” 

“Ugh. You mean the shops for rich people to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a dress they’ll wear once then throw in the attic to rot?”

“Sounds like it.”

“Why there?” She groaned.

Bojack shrugged. “I don’t know! That’s where they said to go on the internet.” He rubs at the back of his neck, “And hey, by the way, not that I’m above questioning gender roles, but why didn’t you ask one of your  _ girl- _ friends to help with this? Or y’know, your  _ fiance _ ?”

Diane makes a face, “Oh, Mr. Peanutbutter’s actually pretty busy with work right now.  _ And  _ he just hired Todd to be his personal driver since his license was suspended, so it takes him twice as long for him to get places. And Todd usually  _ goes in _ with him to wherever he goes so, really make it more like  _ triple  _ as long.” She crossed her arms and sighed, “As for my girlfriends? I don’t know... I’m just so  _ anxious  _ about everything right now. Not just about the wedding, but everything in general too. So I guess I wanted somebody with me who could be honest, and help keep me grounded during all this.”

“Oh…” He felt a warmth he couldn’t decipher spread through his chest. “Thanks, Diane.”

He pulled up to the curb in front of one of the wedding dress stores on the boulevard. 

Diane sighed as she undid her seatbelt. “Okay, here we go.”

Bojack hesitated for a moment, then said, “Hey, maybe we can go check out what they have at the mall first. I- if you want to.”

Diane smiled at him. “That sounds nice.”

\---

“Ugh!” Diane exclaimed and she burst through the front door of her house. “I never want to eat another slice of cake again!”

Bojack saunters in behind her, eating a slice of vanilla bean cake. “I don’t know, I feel like I could have one or two more.”

“I can’t  _ believe  _ you’re still eating that.” She groans.

“ _ I _ can't believe they let me take the plate and fork. I just walked out with it and nobody said a  _ thing _ .” He snorted, finishing up his piece and tossing the plate into the trash can. “I still think you should go with the chocolate one.”

Diane rolls her eyes, not bothering to dignify that subtle barb against her fiance with a response. 

She walked over to the staircase and put her hand on the railing. “I’m exhausted. Thanks for doing all the prep stuff with me today, but I think I’m just gonna go upstairs and relax now.”

Bojack waved his hand in the air, “No problem! Hey, I’ll call you after I read the book today.

She chuckles nervously from the top of the steps, “Oh, that’s really not necessary. You’re uh, you’re gonna love it! Bye!”

“Bye!” He calls up to her, oblivious to her anxiety, before walking out the front door. Bojack just made it into his car and had his hand on the seatbelt when he felt his phone start buzzing in his pocket. He pulled it out to see the name “Pinky” showing on the screen. He gasped and tried to suppress his excitement as he giddily answered the call and held the phone to his ear.

“Pinky! Did you read my book? How was it?”

“Bojack! Alright, now, I should warn you. It’s not quite what we had discussed but it is  _ good. _ ” Pinky sounded nervous, but it barely even registered to him, because to Bojack, Pinky always sounded nervous. 

“I’m telling you this could really sell! I might actually get to see my kids again!”

“Sounds great! Let me read it! Gimmie gimmie gimmie!” Bojack was practically vibrating with anticipation.

“Okay okay, I’m sending it over now. Just remember-”

“To set my expectations sky-high? Way ahead of you.”

His phone dinged with Pinky’s email right as he hung up and he took a deep breath, holding the phone to his chest. “Alright book, let’s see what you got. Bojack, this is  _ you _ .”

He downloaded the PDF and opened the file, but paused when he saw the title page.

_ A Dark Horse _ by Diane Nguyen.

He frowned and slowly started scrolling the pages.

_ The first time I met Bojack was when my then-boyfriend invited him and his husband to a party at our house. Bojack had been struggling to write his memoir by himself, and his publisher recommended him to me... _

_ … Bojack’s relationship with his husband, Emmy-winning sitcom writer Herb Kazzaz, seemed to be the only thing he was willing to discuss at length when I first started working with him. Where in other areas of his life he became nervous and dodged questions, he could tell stories about Herb and himself for hours. Herb was the first outside source I attempted to interview for the book… _

_ … Unwilling to give me any more information on the subjects Bojack avoided. Putting his full faith into the horse to open up to me... _

_ … Whenever I saw him that week he had either just finished an apple fritter or was going to get an apple fritter… _

_ … He filled the air with words, terrified of silence. As one often is who is smart enough to recognize his many personal failings, but unwilling, or unable to take the steps required to fix them… _

_ … Bojack’s emotions ran like a decrepit old roller coaster that would occasionally run off the track. He had his ups and downs, but not to the extreme. Until something would set him off and he would suddenly fall into a deep depression or fly into an angry rant that he would abandon in as little as 20 minutes before he was again distracted by something else. I recall one afternoon I joined him to run errands…  _

_ … Bojack was tense with guilt after only a few minutes in her presence, as she rattled off story after story of Bojack’s past transgressions against society and himself. Both men showed an unstable relationship with the troubled pop star/architect. And she showed a specialized talent for manipulating their emotions to her favor… _

_ … He turned away from the door, walked out onto the deck, and looked across the valley, and for a moment he said nothing. _

He stares at the last page of the file, letting the blank white light wash over him.

_ “...What the shit was that!?” _

\---

Bojack stormed back into the house and up the stairs. He made a beeline straight to the open window in Diane’s office, his memory of his conversations with her doing the heavy lifting the rest of his brain couldn’t do in his blind anger. 

He climbed through the window and swung his phone in front of himself the second he saw her sitting there just as he suspected.

_ “What the hell Diane?” _

She turned around quickly, her eyes wide, already understanding the situation completely. She flicked her cigarette butt off the roof and lifted her hands in defense. “Okay, Bojack, I know, I know! But if you just listen to me- ”

He drops down on the roof and practically seethes at her. “What did you do to my book? It’s not even a memoir anymore!”

“Bojack. Just calm down. I made some changes to the format-”

“You took over the whole thing! And made me look like an asshole!” Bojack turned away from her and grit his teeth, struggling to maintain his composure.

“I thought changing to an outside narrative would give better insight into your  _ real _ self. People love you! And they’re going to love you even more after they read the rest of my book!”

He spun back around and snapped at her,“  _ Your  _ book?”

“ _ Our _ book.” She sighed.

“You said you were gonna write about the real me, warts and all. But this thing is  _ all  _ warts!”

“Bojack-”

His voice cracks slightly, “Everyone was supposed to think I was well adjusted! Now they just think I’m some sad, gay, old, loser who used to be on a sitcom twenty years ago!”

She cringes. “Well… Bojack you kind of  _ are  _ that. And that’s okay! But the book is about showing that you are so much  _ more  _ than  _ just  _ that. It shows you as deeply flawed and vulnerable, but still likable. And if you just calm down a little-”

He waves the phone in her face. “There is an entire chapter dedicated to me eating apple fritters!”

Diane pursed her lips and pushed the phone away gently. “Well, you did go through that fritter phase...”

“I had  _ a lot _ of phases before you came along!” He snaps, “I’ve been doing things and going through shit since before you were  _ born _ , but that doesn’t make me a crazy person!” 

“Of course it doesn’t! No one is saying that.” 

“When we were running errands that afternoon I thought we were having a lot of fun together. But all you wrote about was how I cried because the dry cleaners took my picture off the wall.”

“You were very emotional! And, you kept crying even when they explained that it just fell down and the frame broke!”

“They haven’t even replaced me with anyone!” He chokes out and grabs at his mane. “Now there’s just a faded spot where my face used to be!”

“Bojack. You need to calm down.” She starts to feel afraid for him, the weight of his emotions making her realize just how much this was affecting him. 

“Everyone is  _ laughing  _ at me! His voice cracks again and he mentally curses himself for how weak it made him feel.

“Because they see themselves in you, it makes you relatable!” She reaches out a reassuring hand but he jerks away from her touch. “Bojack, people  _ are  _ going to like this book,  _ and  _ you.”

“ _ Nobody _ is going to read that book. How do you still not get that?” He stands up and crosses his arms, panting lightly. His heart beating a mile a minute. "It is  _ never  _ going to be published." 

Diane rises to her feet to match him and fixes him with a firm gaze, “Bojack, I stand by my work. This is a  _ really  _ good book.” She manages to carefully place her hand on his shoulder without him recoiling from her. “And if you'll just give it time, you'll see.”

Bojack takes a deep breath and uncrosses his arms, letting them fall to his sides, he looks back up at her.

“Maybe you’re right...”

She smiles, “Really?”

He glares at her, and his eyes become hard. “No.”

“What?” She draws back from him in surprise.

_ “You did a bad job _ .” His voice was cold and low, a tone she had heard in the months of working with him only when he described to her his lowest moments. “ _ Do it again.” _

“ _ What!? _ ” She sputters, trying to get the horse to calm down and see the situation the way she does, “I’m trying to plan my wedding here, Bojack!”

“Well, that’s gonna be hard with all the work you have to do.” He jabbed a finger at her as she stood slack-jawed in front of him. “Start over, but do it better this time!” And with that, he stormed off the roof and through the window. And all of a sudden Diane was alone.

She sat back down, dumbfounded by the interaction, and stared off into the valley. It was only when she heard the sound of Bojack slamming his car door shut and harshly pulling out of her driveway did she know what she wanted to do.

She jammed her hand into her jacket pocket and retrieved her cell phone. She struggled to remember the number she was trying to dial but eventually got it to ring.

“Hello?”

“Dwayne? Do you still work at Buzzfeed?”

\---

He finds himself grinding his teeth on the drive back home, but he can’t dedicate any brainpower to caring about that at the moment. Not when the rest of his brain is buzzing with thoughts of anger and betrayal.

His phone rings and he takes a quick series of deep breaths, almost on the verge of completely missing the point of deep breathing exercises, before answering it.

He clears his throat. “Hey Baby.”

“Hey BJ…” Herb greeted him quietly, “Um, where are you right now?”

“I’m driving home from Diane’s. Why?”

“ _ Bojack _ .” Herb groaned through the line, “Don’t answer the phone when you're driving. Do you want to die before you even reach your sixties? Because that’s how you die before your sixties.”

Bojack rolls his eyes and waves his hand at the cell phone, which was currently safely held in place with a phone mount. “I have it on the thing, you know, the dashboard thing. You’re on speaker, it’s  _ fine _ . Why’d you call?”

“Right, uh,” He sounded nervous. “So, did your book drop today or something...?”

His chest gets tight with sudden anxiety. “No?”

“Oh… Wait, alright so,” If Bojack strains he can hear the sounds of the other man clicking on a keyboard. “I thought it was supposed to be a memoir?”

“It is…” He furrows his brow, “What are you talking about?”

“I’m not exactly sure.”

The horse scoffs and throws a hand in the air. “Herb, what does that even mean?”

“Well… “ Herb says, clearly anxious and confused by the tone of his voice, “I’m pretty sure I just read the first couple of chapters on Buzzfeed?” 

“................................................. **_What?!_** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter has Bojack trying to re-write his book himself again!
> 
> Also! I have a Bojack Horseman side-blog if anyone's interested. I post bojack/herb art there sometimes too!
> 
> hambone-fakenameington.tumblr.com


End file.
